Drugs and Other Decisions

     ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

When I first got here I made it my mission to stay apart from the drug addicts and others who might prove to be bad influences on me. I laid low to avoid too much interaction with anyone who might dabble in some form of trouble. Then Kitten Lady came along.

I bonded with her over her kitten Tailia because I didn't know she used. And when I did it didn't really change my opinion of her. Lately, I've pondered this. I look at some of the decisions I've amde recently that even though I didn't think twice about them or regret them I know some of you may not be so happy with me about them. If my brother was sober and in the know about all of this he'd probably personally come up here and kick my ass.

I've given money knowing it'd be used for drugs. I've gone under the Hawthrone Bridge. I've watched plenty of drug deals (though that's not really new for me with how I grew up. I've watched someone pull Meth crystals out of her skin. I've sat at a table with people smoking Meth. I've held rigs and cookers and rinses. And I've done most of this without even blinking an eye.

When I look at it listed like that it does sound pretty bad. I'm willing to admit that twenty years from now or even twenty days from now I might look back and think, "God, that was stupid." Still, in this moment I hold no regrets.

I've considered that maybe I should do more to stop KL from using. That  I should not be okay with her shooting up while I'm sitting outside the bathroom. That I shouldn't be okay with sitting in the lobby of the needle exchange. That I shouldn't help her hide her needles. That I should be trying to convince her not to use. Finally, I've decided where I stand on the issue.

I am her friend. Just her friend. Not her sponsor, parole officer, mother, priest, counselor, coach or police officer. Only her friend. As such I can give advice when asked for it but it's not my job to preach or get her clean. When I hide her needles and rinses it's so she can be safe and sleep in shelter. It keeps me sane knowing she is safe and not at risk. If I refused she'd just be outside. That wouldn't help anyone but make the situation worse. I have some pretty fucked up things I do so I can't judge other people for their life decisions.

Just like I hope people don't sit here to read this and judge me.

--mm