I've been thinking a lot about the whole concept of healing lately. I'm going through some things in my own life. One of my partners just left the Mormon church and is trying to deal with years of sexual repression as well as the pain of losing what's been his entire life for twenty-three years. My best friend back home is dealing with a pretty bad break up.
We all have things we need to heal from. There are demons in everyone's closet that we'd like to lock away and hide the key. We all have arrows sticking from our hearts where we've been hurt. And we all must choose, do we walk with them still sticking out or do we learn to heal them? If we choose healing how do we heal our wounds?
Of course we must face our demons. We must acknowledge our arrows. We must push them out. That's all part of the process. However, I'm coming to the belief that the real healing doesn't come from wrestling with our pasts. I believe the healing comes when we learn to let ourselves be loved.
I recently had a partner call me “a wreck” in the most terrible of contexts. He followed it up with, “you have all these health problems, and you drink, and....” It went on way too long before he stopped and said, “Wow, I just labeled you with a bunch of really negative stuff. I wish I could take it back.”
This guy claims he wants to be “a healer”. So far, there has been nothing healing in our relationship. And this is why.
Healing doesn't come from pointing out someone's weaknesses. It doesn't come from judgment toward their lifestyle. It definitely doesn't come from name calling. And it doesn't come from focusing on the negative.
Healing comes from love. It comes from acceptance.
I sent my friend a text message and told him what this partner (ex?) said to me. He called me and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was but my friend said, “No really.”
“I was just starting to do better. I was feeling like myself again. Then this guy turns around and tells me he can't cum because I'm a wreck. Are you fucking kidding me?”
And my friend almost started laughing, “You are not a wreck. For everything you've been through you're doing pretty well for yourself. I love you, just how you are.”
My best friend and I went out to lunch later that day and I told her what was said, “It's true, you are, but who the fuck cares? It doesn't matter! We love you anyways!”
Healing comes when your friend is spending her day off in the emergency room with you and you're both laughing so hard when she breaks the heart monitor while the nurse is in the other room (the beeping was annoying) the doctors don't believe you're sick.
Healing comes when your friend gets mad you take the bus to the ER at 4am.
Healing comes when your friend takes you home because you've gotten too drunk and lost your keys and you wake up on his floor hung over and confused but with all your clothes on and despite how needy you are when you're drunk he still wants to hang out with you after.
Healing comes when someone else loves you when you can't love yourself.
Healing comes when your friend is late to work so he can have a beer with you and he gives you a kiss on the forehead and says, “Love you doll” before he runs out the door.
Healing comes when your friend spends Christmas day in the emergency vet's office with you and pays for your cat's euthanasia because you can't pay for that and your rent.
Healing comes from laughter.
Healing comes from realizing you can finally say, “I'm weak.” And your friends will carry you.
Healing comes when you surround yourself with people who love you how you are, faults and all. When you're with people who love you when you can't love yourself. Who see in you what you don't see in yourself. It's hard to find those people and you won't know you have them until you're at your lowest low but find those people.
When you do, the healing can begin.