Day Fifty-Two (UPDATED)

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

The first thing I do in the morning is look for Kitten Lady. I settle down in our favorite Starbucks hoping she might turn up. When she does she's crying. She asks me to sit with the kitten outside while she uses the bathroom. I do and wait for her to come out. She finally sits down next to me and cries.

"I can't be friends with you anymore."
I don't say anything but wait for whatever she has to say.
"I'm such a bad influence on you. I do so many bad things and bring you around all these horrible people. You never stole before and now you've started stealing things."
"I stole cat food and a water. That's like $2."
She snorts and keeps going, "But you're worth so much more than this and you're not doing anything with your life because you're hanging out with me. And I bring you around drugs and you've gotten poked with my rigs and..."

She rattles off on all the things she thinks she does to me that hurts me and my potential. I brush them off like the dirt on my jeans. To me these things mean nothing. I grew up around these things as a kid. I have never been tempted to use drugs because of her. She has told me even if I asked she would not let me. I have done nothing that I think upsets my code of ethics or morality.

"Last night was so horrible. I don't want to hang out with S anymore. It was so scary."

She tells me that S tried to get her to suck dick for dope but she refused because she wants to remain faithful to Houdini and keep her dignity. S then called her boring and went off and did it by herself. Then, they ran into a guy who tried to get them to get in his car. S was going to do it but KL refused. When the guy had to move because of a car behind him they saw what they believe was a dead body hit the dashboard. Time stopped for a few seconds then the guy sped off. KL pepper sprayed the car and the two of them ran away.

"I didn't even get to pepper spray him in the face." She wails.
I can't help it. I laugh. Then, she laughs. Then we are all back to normal again.

She wants milk. I know where we can get some for free but it's not ideal. I take her to the First Unitarian Church where services have just ended. We slip into their coffee hour and fill our cup to the top with the milk they set out for coffee. Doing so I see my former roommate and several other people I know. My stomach turns. I point her out to KL and find I have to hold her back from confronting her. "She's not worth it," I say, "You're better than that." I drag her out and walk away glad to put the church behind me without being spotted.

It's hard to see my roommate again. She had been a dear friend to me when  I moved in with her. I did housework to cover rent and became sincerely attached to her and her family as they helped me through my illness. I would leave her notes and little surprises in the kitchen like chocolates telling her how much I appreciated her. Even living with a toddler I did my best to keep her house organized and tidy, often putting in the amount I would for a full time job. I cared deeply for her son, sister, niece, nephew and her family.

She emailed me kicking me out when I was in Alabama. Her reason? She didn't like my cat. She told me she thought of me as "family" while she did this. Of all the things about the situation that's what I think is the most unfair. How are you going to kick someone to the curb and write them off like that but use the word "family"? When I pointed out that kicking someone out via email when they are on the opposite side of the country is cruel and illegal (no thirty days notice) she told me that she could not handle my level of ingratitude for how she had helped me while I was ill and how I was still indebted to her. She then proceeded to tell me how done with me she was.

Some family eh?

I haven't seen her since March when I left for the south. Seeing her standing there laughing with people who used to be my friends, oblivious and uncaring to what she has done to me is frustrating. It makes me want to shake her and tell her how wrong she is but I try not to think about it too much. It is a matter of ignorance and greed and I refuse to give her or anyone for that matter the satisfaction of thinking they have won. I may be in a pretty fucked up situation right now but I'm going to use it for good things later. I can only go up from here.

We go to get breakfast at Day Program #1 for the first time since our ban. I turn in 5 grievance reports. She naps outside for awhile to make up for the sleep she didn't get the night before. She meets with Beard Man and asks him for a movie ticket and a Fred Meyer card so she can get something to drink. He says he won't give it to her because she will sell it. I ask her if that's what she intended to do. She tells me she honestly wanted it for water and to see a movie. I'm disappointed in this. How can they say they don't judge her when they won't even help her get something to drink in fear she'll sell it for dope?

After this is done we go to the library. She says she's going to be right outside to spange while I work on the computer. Houdini comes in and asks if I know where she is. I tell him she's outside and he goes to find her. The library closes so I head back to day services to get dinner and see the doctor. The doctor hesitantly prescribes me Oxy to get me through this period. She insists that she is going on a limb for this as no other doctor in the clinic would prescribe it especially since I am with KL all the time. I find it disappointing that my friendship makes doctors skeptical of me when she has never once asked me for my prescriptions when she knows I have them.

Houdini still hasn't found her so we go out together to try and find her. In all of our spots there is no sign of her. In the end we go to McDonalds where we know she will show up if she can. Houdini waits until 9:30pm. She doesn't show. I'm surprisingly unworried. I figure we've found her so many times before finding her this time shouldn't be a concern. He says he thinks she is arrested or dead. I shrug. I can't do anything right away anyways.

Houdini asks if he can do the dishes since I'm signed up for them. I give them to him since I have a headache and just want to relax instead. Flippy Hair Guy is in tonight and accidentally tells me he saw KL after dinner at Pioneer Square. This means she was probably looking for dope. I do worry that she was picked up by an undercover cop or something of that nature but I push it aside and assume she is safe. I go to bed fairly early but have a hard time staying asleep.

--mm