Day Thirty-One

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

Kitten Lady does not meet me outside of shelter like she promised she would so we could send Tailia off. I wait until almost 11am, leaving only to pee and buy cookie dough. I finally give up assuming that she will show up for lunch as she always goes to #1. I go to Whole Foods to get caught up on my life on the wide, world, web.

She doesn't show up for lunch. I know something is very, very wrong. People tell me I'm being a drama queen and that she is off with her boyfriend or her mother. I know she would not ditch Tailia like that. I try not to think of it and go to the library so I can get caught up on my Dance Moms. Dinner comes and once again no sign of her. I'm borderline panicking. Where is she?

I go to Whole Foods and have some time by myself and to catch up with friends over instant messaging. I leave Whole Foods earlier than necessary, confident that she will show up at the fountain. She never misses the fountain because it's time to say goodnight to everyone. Even people who are kicked out often go to the fountain to say goodnight before everyone else goes up into shelter.

Except she's not there either. I find her boyfriend who says he didn't see her at all. I am officially panicking. I know something is seriously wrong if he hasn't even seen her. We go online to see if she was possibly arrested. She wasn't. Part of me wishes she were. Then I'd know she was in one piece and safe.

I go to shelter without seeing her. I sit with Crochet Buddy and Kitty and Yougio but I can't even participate in the conversation. I keep wondering where the hell she might be. I'm terrified she's raped or dead. I'm worried no one will ever find her because there won't be enough people to care about her to look. I'm worried something terrible happened to her but I'm more worried that something terrible happened and we will never know because no one will care enough to find out. I'm afraid she's dead and I just have to spend the rest of my life wondering where she is.

Flippy-Hair-Guy comes around and when I tell him she's missing he says, "She probably doesn't want to be found."
I'm pretty sure my eyes could have shot arrows right then, "She was supposed to meet me. She doesn't just not show like that. Not for an entire day. Not with what we had to do today. She's in trouble. She doesn't just bail like that unless there is something wrong. All because staff wanted to enforce rules."
"Rules suck." Flippy Hair Guy says.
"No, this isn't about wanting to not have rules. It's about how they are enforced. If she's dead tonight is it worth it to enforce the rules?"
"No." He says and everyone falls silent.

Drama Girl asks me to help her straighten her hair. The smell of fried, sizzling hair takes me back to California where I worked five years in a hair salon, my first job. It's weird but burnt hair is actually a comforting smell to me.

"You don't have any family do you?" Drama Girl asks me.
I shake my head and run my fingers through her bleached hair, "No."
I put her hair between the two metal plates and clamp it. I pull it down and watch her curly hair fall out straight, "Just me, a family of one."
"Where are they?"
I shrug, "My brother is in California but we don't talk because he's selling drugs and he's mean on drugs."
"What about your mother?"
"California. We don't talk. We definitely don't talk."
"Who do you have then?" She asks.
I brush her hair slowly. It's nice doing hair for someone else again. I contemplated cosmetology school back in the day. "Friends," I say, "Not so much my friends here but the ones out of state. They check up on me and send me things sometimes."
"Do they just send you things you need?"
"Kind of," I say, "They know what's going on so they send things I need or things I want or even things other people need."
"That's nice."
I nod and run the brush through her hair again.
"Did you guys find KL?"
I shakes me head.
"Not even her boyfriend saw her?" she asks.
Again, I shake my head.
"That's scary." She says.
"It is. I'm worried. I worry about everyone."
"Do you worry about Dreadlocks?" She asks.
"Sometimes," I say, "Not now that he's in jail."

Later as I'm getting read for bed Pot Head comes in high on pot, Oxy, and Xanx.
"Will you marry me?" He asks me for the ten trillionth time. He really likes asking me to marry him when he's high.
"No. I will not." I say.
"I want a baby." He says.
"You're the last person on earth I'd trust with a baby."
"Will you have my baby?" he asks me, "Carry it in your womb for nine months?"
"My womb doesn't work. It's out of commission." (I shouldn't say this it's not entirely true.)
"I'll make it work," he determines, "I'll insalmonate you."
It takes everyone a few seconds to register what he just said and then everyone starts laughing so hard we get noise warnings but we can't stop.
"How exactly does that work?" Jesus asks, "Do you shove a salmon up her vagina?"
"And that's how vaginas came to smell like fish." someone else interjects.

Even laughing hysterically at the intelligence of Pot Head I can not shake my worry that my friend is hurt or dead.

--mm