Day Thirty-Seven

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

In the morning Kitten Lady desperately wants to see her mom. This is something that for once I understand. I know this is against her better judgement. I also know there is no stopping her. On top of all that I know that this isn't the safest idea and not one that should be done alone. I don't try to talk her out of it. I know from my own experience you never come between mothers and daughters; even if the mother is about to rip the daughter's soul into shreds. KL will deal with this the rest of her life; finding her mother, getting hurt, and doing the cycle over and over again until there is nothing left. She will have to do it until she's ready to cut the cord herself.

I know because I've done it dozens of times myself. I will probably do it 100 times more. So will Kitten Lady. Right now the ache for her mother calls and she can't help but answer it.

She tells me that she doesn't want me to come with, that it probably wouldn't make any difference if I do; if someone wants to hurt her how can I stop them? I know I can't prevent anything terrible from happening but I need to go for the sake of my own sanity if nothing else. If I don't I'll worry.

We go to Fred Meyer to get our breakfast of cookie dough and rice pudding. We take over the bathroom while she does her hair and make up. When we're done we take the max to the water front. We try to cut through the blue's festival but some lady won't let us through.

"Let's spit on it then." KL suggests.
"Yes!" I say, "I'm working up some spit now."
KL looks over and starts to laugh, "Damn you really are."

We walk around the festival to the bridge. When we get up we look down and some lady is screeching in a way does not even begin to qualify as music. We work up our spit and shoot it down on the festival. Our mouths are so dry it doesn't really do much but we laugh and feel better.

We walk across the bridge mentally preparing ourselves. I'm not sure what to expect, which is probably better than KL knowing and dreading it. I ask her what she wants to say to her mother if and when we find her. She says she doesn't know so I say, "Practice on me."

KL has told me before that her mother twitches involuntarily all the time as a result from way too many years of drug use. I start shaking myself and fake seizures saying, "You're boring do more drugs." KL is laughing so hard she can't even try to think of anything to say.

We get to the other side of the bridge and start down to where the camp is. It's off to the side and I've never seen it before. I'm actually really impressed with it. It's a lot more than I expect. It's a city of homeless drug addicts.They have mattresses on the ground, tarps, stolen shopping carts, dogs, radios, everything. I'm overly impressed with their resourcefulness and creativity.

 Each group manages to keep their own space, belongings (mostly) dry, and for the most part they have their needs met from what I can see; though I've started to learn you don't need as much as you think. I admire the community that has been created but it's damn filthy. Everything looks grungy and covered with dirt. The mattresses aren't covered with anything besides overflowing bags of junk. There is trash everywhere.

KL goes and asks various people if they've seen her mom. I stand back watching people, taking in the scenery but never letting my eyes leave KL. I'm afraid if I blink she will disappear. She doesn't introduce me to any of the people she talks to. I imagine this is actually a safe place for those in the crowd. There's enough people to protect you but I imagine it would be easy to step on the wrong person's toes and have it all come crumbling down on top of you. 

It looks like everyone is covered in scabs from bed bugs or drugs or both. KL asks a guy if he's seen her mom. He says he was with her in the morning when they beat a guy up for stealing from them. Nobody knows where she is at the moment though. We take a break and walk to Andy and Bax, the army surplus store where we buy some weapons then resume the hunt.

"I wasn't being rude by not introducing you to anyone," KL tells me, "I don't want those people to know you."
"I didn't want to be introduced," I reassure her.

At Andy and Bax I buy pepper spray while KL throws up in the bathroom. We know we need to get to #2 where we can be inside and by bathrooms but it's hot and we are dragging our feet. We are both sick as hell. We've had coughs for weeks, been throwing up off and on, and I've started waking up with huge welts and bruises on my skin. Add heat exhaustion and we are both (quite literally) a hot mess.

We make a detour to a skate park  that KL's mother tends to frequent. We see a boy blow chunks into a street drain. The vomit ruptures out of his mouth like a volcano of orange hot lava with chunky marshmallow bits. At the velocity it came rushing out I'm surprised he made it into the drain. I offer him some anti-nausea pills but someone tells me that the kid isn't sick, he just wiped out on his skate board.

We don't find KL's mom but we find a small girl sleeping in the dumpster. She is wearing only a bra and some sweat pants. She has blond curly hair and her stomach has the undeniable stretch marks and scars that come with child birth. She is barely taller than I am. She's dirty and smelly and scarred up but there's no denying she's beautiful.

She tells us she is fifteen. Her baby is with her parents who kicked her out. She doesn't go to services because she's not sure she can get them because she is under eighteen and a runaway. Some guys want to take her to Eugene but she's not sure she wants to go. She looks like she's itching to get help but unsure if she can trust us or the services offered through Jaunas youth.

The kitten pees all over KL so the girl gives her an extra shirt. I'm practically begging her to come with us when a train comes by and a boy grabs her by the elbow.

"That's our train, let's go." He says.
The girl looks at him; looks at us. I don't know what to say. "Alright, I'm coming," she says then runs after the boys to jump on the train. All I can think of to say is, "Stay safe," as they all disappear.

I am heart broken for that girl. I wish I could have kidnapped her and taken her somewhere safe. I can't imagine being fifteen and sleeping in a dumpster after your parents take your baby away and kick you to the curb. There's nothing I can do though so KL and I walk the rest of the way to the day program. 

On the way she tells me her story. KL has a life that not even the most creative novelist could dream up. When she was six years old her father died of an overdose while she was sitting on his lap watching cartoons. She was then taken away from her mother and went through fifty-seven foster homes before being adopted by a wealthy attorney. Her new family changed her last name and refused to let her talk about her biological family.

She did well in the family though. She played tennis and competed in speech and debate. She was an A average student. Then one day when she was twelve the family sent her away to a treatment center. She says to this day she still does not know why. She spent several years going in and out of treatment centers where she was beat up, raped, and god only knows what else. She ran away many times but usually got caught.

The time she was gone for the longest she was picked up by a pimp and was forced to prostitute herself. During this time she was on milk cartons, billboards, and newspaper fliers. She was 13-16 during this. In the end she was found by the FBI and the people she was with were charged with child prostitution.

Last year her mother told her that she had a big house in Portland with extra room for KL and her boyfriend. Her mother claimed to be clean. KL believed her and came to Portland. The first night she came she slept under a bridge with her mom. On July 4, 2011 her mother convinced her to shoot up heroin for the first time. Now here she is at eighteen, living in shelter and fighting an addiction. She's still a kid but she has no one to help her. She's been in the "Busted" newspaper that shows the mug shots of all the various felons.

To any that do not believe this story she showed me the missing person's poster and newspaper articles about being caught as a prostitute by the FBI. And what does she have to gain by lying to me about any of it?

To me it seems blatantly obvious that if her foster parents would have let her go to counseling and talk about her biological family from a safe and nurturing home she would have never ended up here. "I don't get it," she says, "Why adopt kids if you're just going to send them away?"

When we get to #2 KL disappears in the bathroom while a girl shows me her new dog named Roxy. She had taken the dog from owners who were starving and abusing her. You could never tell by her demeanor though. She knocks me over with kisses and affection. She sits, lays, high fives, on command. She's only a year but she's half my size. She is sitting on my lap and my arms are wrapped around her neck, my face in her fur when KL calls for me from the bathroom.

I untangle myself to see what KL needs. She has puked all over the bathroom. I'm not sure how a person so small could have that much vomit in their system. I try to flush the toilet but it's clogged. I can't get staff's attention either to get help or at least cleaning supplies.

"What should we do? Should I try and walk away?" KL asks me.

I don't know what else to do so we slip out of the bathroom and pretend nothing happened and let it be someone else's problem. Don't worry though, karma immediately bites us in the asses for it.

Jamie starts running her mouth about the kitten. She gives KL medicine that she has stolen but it can't even be used on a kitten that small. I'm convinced she's going to kill the kitten she has. I had already told KL I don't want to deal with Jamie so I'm losing patience fast.

"What's your problem?" Jamie asks when I snap and call her a dumbass.
"You fucking gave her a sick kitten after we both said we didn't want to get another kitten."
"I didn't know she was sick!" Jamie shrieks.
"Look at her," I'm screaming now, "She's half dead. How stupid can you be?"
I turn to KL, "I told you I didn't want to deal with her today." I take the kitten and go outside to get away.

Some little Mexican kid I don't know starts asking why the kitten is sick. Before I can even answer he says, "That girl, her boyfriend beats her and heroin comes out of her veins she shoots up so much that's why the cat is sick."
"That is not true." I try to keep my voice even, "She is my friend. She is clean right now. Her boyfriend does not hit her. The kitten came to us sick. So please, do not talk shit about my friend."
He gets an inch away from my face and says, "If I was talking shit I'd call her a pussy junkie."

A little girl he is friends with comes up beside me and takes the kitten out of my hands. The boy starts pushing me and they are both threatening me. I duck under his arms and yell inside for help from staff. People come running out but no one helps. Staff just watches more than anything. I'm trying to get the kitten back. They threaten to beat the shit out of me. "Then do it." I say.

I will never throw the first punch but swear to god if someone hits me I'll go down swinging. I've only ever been in one fight in my life and that was against someone my height who weighed 240 pounds. She grabbed me. I bruised her ribs, broke her finger, her wrist, and may have accidentally aborted a baby I didn't know she had. She left a few bruises and gave me a bloody nose.

I'm not afraid of the kids that are trying to fight me. I'm really not. The boy starts speaking to a staff in Spanish which really pisses me off. I think it's immature of staff to talk about someone in front of them in another language and I remind myself to file a complaint about it later.

KL is outside trying to figure out what is going on. It gets crazy again and there's yelling and screaming. The kids are trying to steal the kitten and I'm running my mouth right back at them.

"M, please stop you're going to get me jumped. Houdini is not here we can't talk shit." KL pleads with me but I can't help it I'm stubborn and if someone calls my friend a junkie I'm going to get the last word. I don't know what else to do. I'm even getting in staff's face for talking in Spanish about me while I'm standing there.  Someone asks where the cat came from in the first place.

"That girl in there got it when we both said no. And it's fucking sick and hell. It might die."
"I'm a guy!" Jamie yells. The next thing I know she is slamming me against the brick wall and digging her nails into my skin.
"I am a man!" She screams, "I will beat your ass. I'm a man."
"You have a vagina," is what I wish I would have said but  have to be honest and say I did not in fact say this. Instead I laughed hysterically in her face. It was so funny even KL was laughing which probably pissed Jamie off even more but it was pretty fucking funny. She was so close to my face her nose was touching mine. She threatened to kill me and I said, "Fine then do it and I'll have you arrested for assault."

In the end KL pulls her off of me while staff spectates. I remember all too late we bought pepper spray earlier. "Damnit!" I yell, "I should have just pepper sprayed your ass."

I know I probably look stupid but I can't help but laugh at this whole mess. KL grabs my arm and drags me away. The Mexican boy starts yelling that he will kick Houdini's ass when he sees him. That KL's mother told him that Houdini beats her. Another one of her friends Squirtile joins with us and they both ask me what happened. KL starts crying saying, "I hate my mom man. I hate my mom." She says her mom started this by telling people lies about her and Houdini.

As we're walking she keeps looking over her shoulder saying, "We need to find Houdini. We need to find Houdini." In the end we find him trying to catch up to us. The Mexican kid is saying, "Oh, what's up bro?" I'm laughing again.

KL is bawling and hysterical. She needs space with Houdini so Squirtile and I walk ahead for a little while so they can talk. We go to Fred Meyer to get sodas and sit and calm down. I pull KL outside to talk to her one on one while we drink our Cokes.

"I want you to know I wasn't trying to speak for you or anything. I just wasn't going to let them say your boyfriend beats you or that you sweat heroin. I just wasn't." I say.
"I know, I know. I wasn't mad at you," KL says, "You just talk so much shit! I look like the one who should talk shit but no, it's totally you."
I shrug and smile.
"God, just wait until Houdini is around before you talk that much shit."

I then proceed to tell her the story of my own relationship I have with my mother. How I've spent the last 21 years of my life running to her and trying to win her affection when it always ends up leaving me burned. I tell her I don't know what it's like to have your mother get you addicted to drugs but I know what it's like to always be chasing the person who hurts you the most, when that person is half of you. I tell her it doesn't get easier but I'm here for her.

"You're the only person in my life who actually cares," KL says, "And I don't even know why. Houdini was asking me the other day why I hang out with you when we have nothing in common. I just don't know why you're friends with me."
I shrug, "I don't know either. I honestly don't. I just care and I don't know why I do but I do so I go with it."
She laughs.

It's partially true that I do not know why I do this but I also see a lot of myself in her. And I think she is so young she just needs someone to care enough to try and help her because she has no one else. She and Houdini go off to talk and I find them standing in the bank parking lot. I stay back to give them space but hold my thumb out and shake it up and down to make sure everything is okay. Houdini smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

We go to McDonalds where I buy each of us a miniature sundae. We examine the scratches I got from Jamie. They look pretty gnarly so I say, "I'm going to die. They're going to have to amputate my arm. I've caught Mangina." We laugh and eat and play online until it's time for shelter. We get KL and Squiritle up safely then Houdini and I go up together. I read until it is time for me to do dishes then I take a shower and go to bed.

It's another sleepless night but I make it through the night just like I do every other night.

--mm