Monday, November 26, 2012

Wizard of Oz

So, I think I explained a little about me getting in trouble with staff the other night. I was supposed to take a Behavioral Night Out (BNO) for walking away from her while she was chewing me out. I refused to take the night out because Oliver (the direct of housing) and Bianca (my case manager) are both gone on vacation. Which is a really bad idea. You should space the vacations out not overlap them so that these problems don't happen. I'd say I petitioned all of the staff I could myself but I didn't. My roommate went down and fought them while I was napping. I think all of my roommates and our honorary roommate Moby were ready to fight staff if they kicked me out permanently.

I thought my refusing to leave would be a lot more dramatic than it was. After 5pm I was officially trespassing (as they pointed out in the notice they posted) but no one even came into our dorm. It was a quiet night. It was odd to me that I was doing what was seen as a drastic form of rebellion but really all I was doing was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and playing rummy. We kept waiting for some explosion to happen or for them to call the police but nothing. I went to bed at 10pm. It was all very anticlimactic.

This morning I asked to talk to the boss of all bosses of all bosses. The head hauncho. She's like Oz around here. People talk about this Oz but no one is allowed to look behind the curtain. Well, I was going to look behind the curtain dammit. They ran interference and the boss of the case managers told me my night out had become two nights out and if I didn't take that I'd be kicked out of housing indefinitely. "Let me speak to your boss," I told her. She said: "Nobody talks to Oz."

Well, I'm not Nobody am I?

It took two minutes of pressing before she went to talk to Oz, now I know she's easy to budge. She took my two very long grievance reports into her. She came back and told me Oz would meet with me in ten minutes after she read the reports. I hung out downstairs and talked to people I have seen since I moved into housing.

When she walked in I was surprised. I've never even seen her around. She is definitely an enigma. I thought she would be a lot older because people had told me she's been here since the program was started decades ago but she looked maybe like she was in her late forties early fifties.  She said while she normally takes two weeks to follow up on grievance reports she understood my BNO was timely.

We talked for quite awhile. While other issues were mentioned, such as the stalking we mostly hashed out the BNO. At first she wouldn't budge saying that because I already had been warned about my arguing with staff I'd had fair warning about the BNO. I pointed out that I didn't argue, I wasn't mean or verbally abusive. I simply walked away. I said I didn't think it was fair to get a BNO for asking to be left alone when getting yelled at. I kind of went out on a limb and said, "That's what D-Team told me to do in my notice." I thought it said something along those lines but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, she had a copy of the notice so I pointed it out to her right there.

At this point she sat back in her chair and said, "Okay, here's what we'll do." She suspended my BNO for the time being. I think this also means she takes off the BNO for refusing to leave housing. She said she's going to talk to people and figure out what's going on and then sit down with me and the staff the altercation was with. If I prove that I did not make a negative comment to her when I walked away I'm in the clear.

She is also going to look at the other issues I noted such as the staff targeting me, the stalker, the disorganization when I came into housing, things of that nature. I'm hoping that she is going to help find solutions to these situations and turn around all this nonsense going on.

I'll admit talking to her was a good ego boost too. The only other youth who has met her is Moby (that I know of). He didn't meet her specially like I did but instead because she was meeting with a staff when he was around. My roommates asked me all sorts of questions about what she is like. I was really nervous going into the meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go. Since I hadn't met her before I couldn't guess how it was going to go down or even how to approach the situation. I actually really liked her.

Regardless of the results of my BNO I am happy with the situation. I got to stand up for myself, make my case, and hopefully things only get better from here.

--mm

Sunday, November 25, 2012

May Have Found My Limit

Shit around here is getting old. There's just a lot of bullshit I haven't been writing about that's been going down. Mostly because I don't have the time nor the energy to give it any space in my mind but I'm about to burst so now you get the dirty details in an angry rant.

The most concerning issue at hand is Kitten Lady. No one has seen her in about a month. There is not one sighting of her since I last saw her in the food courts. No trace. I accidentally washed and dried my phone so I don't have her phone number anymore. I've been searching for her several times a day but  no sign of her and no one has seen her. I'm not the only one worried, other youth comment when I ask them that something feels wrong. Of course, none of the staff see this as something that is a problem. Only Zelda has commented on the situation saying, "Oh my God. You must be terrified." Everyone else carries the attitude of well she's a user she's going to disappear like that. I think being a user makes her even less likely to go off the radar though. She needs to get drugs somewhere right? She always hated leaving downtown. She wouldn't disappear like this intentionally. I'm going to check under the bridge where her mother sleeps next. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really freaking out but there's no one willing to help me.

Then there's housing drama. Lots and lots of housing drama. Everyday they call me into their office accusing me of doing xyz. It's silly because I'm never even home to do these things. On Friday I was gone for five hours but they still called me in saying I talked about Ginger clan in my dorm. I WASN'T EVEN HOME! It's gotten so crazy staff are seriously following me around and trying to censor everything I say. When I told one to leave me alone she followed me and yelled at me through my bedroom door. She gave me a night out for refusing to talk to her.

I wrote up an eight page grievance about all this bullshit I've been going through since day one here. I'm going to raise hell tomorrow. Night out my ass. Even though I'm going to raise hell and I'm going to win I'm exhausted and stressed from all this bullshit. I stopped sleeping weeks ago. I have a test Monday I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I'm just sick and tired of having to fight so damn hard for things that I shouldn't have to battle for. Like privacy and decency and respect. I'm at my wits end and about to crack from all this pressure.

--mm

Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Homeless Thanksgiving

Saying "happy Thanksgiving" around here is like wishing someone a happy root canal. Holidays just aren't a huge deal when you're homeless. In fact they're a huge disappointment. We'd rather ignore them than be fed the Hallmark card bullshit that having a family makes you happier and more superior.

I decided to sign up for a food basket at the college for my dorm. Every year the student government makes food baskets for anyone who wants them. I figured what the hell? It couldn't hurt. When I picked it up on Tuesday they also gave me a $10 gift certificate for a ham or turkey. The items in the food basket besides caned veggies and soup were things like stuffing and marshmallows. So I figured damn, let's just have a Thanksgiving dinner. 

Even though it was last minute I figured we should see ourselves above the idea that not having a family makes you inferior. We  can be celebratory and happy and thankful without a Leave it to Beaver holiday.

Wednesday I got out of school early and came home to try and catch my case manager and/or Bernard. I didn't catch either of them. Bernard was supposed to give me the information on how to get in contact with Houdini so I can visit him in jail. My case manager is just near impossible to meet with lately. I'm exasperated with it.

I then went to try and find Kitten Lady at either day program but she wasn't around. I went to Winco to get the last of the supplies to make Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first attempt to make the full meal ever. I've never made a ham. I've never made pumpkin pie. Still, I'm going to try.

When I got home I quickly made up my orgasm in your mouth chicken. While it was in the oven I ran by shelter to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no sign of her. No one has seen her in a week. I went back home and finished up dinner.

After dinner was finished just about the entire third floor ambushed Zelda in her office, mostly just for the hell of it. I brought her a chicken breast but apparently she's "mostly vegan". -sigh-. After this there was another round of grocery shopping at Safeway in which much of our groceries were stolen (and a meat thermometer).

After dropping off the groceries my roommate and I went on a hunt for Kitten Lady. We walked around downtown for over an hour but no sign of her. She wasn't at any of her sleeping spots. I'm starting to get really worried.

On Thanksgiving I woke up at about 11:30. Something crazy was going on in the day program that involved a lot of noise. I made a full breakfast feast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. It took me until 12:30 which was conveniently the time the lone roommate that stayed home for Thanksgiving woke up. We ate and watched the newest episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. My little rock star Asia is still in the running! Top five!

After breakfast we went on a hunt to find movies to watch for dinner. We got Dark Shadows, Madagascar Three, and The Lorax from the Red Box rental thing. Then I bought Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Seven from Every Day Music.

I watched National Lampoon's while I cooked dinner. I have mass nostalgia with that movie. I grew up on it. As we were going in and out we popped our heads in the day program to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no one has seen her. One of the staff in the day program walked me through how to cook a ham. I adore her. She's very motherly to everyone which is unique.

She is the only one out of all of our programs that mothers people the way she does. No one else seems to be parent figurely besides her. And really, if anyone tried to be our parents it wouldn't go well. But Flora, gets away with it. She also breaks up fights by offering youth cigarettes, a practice expressly forbidden in the day program.

We had everything for dinner: candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole  ham, biscuits, and (homemade) pie. The sweet potatoes need a little work, they overflowed a bit. The green beans were made with cream of chicken soup instead of mushroom because my roommate is highly allergic to mushrooms. Just as well, I don't like them either. Cream of chicken actually worked a lot better I think. What I forgot were the small things: butter in the yams, pepper in the casserole, the little details that don't really mean much but for me as an oober perfectionist it bugged me.

I've never cooked a ham or made a pie before and I've never done such an extensive meal all at once but I refused my roommates' offers for help. I wanted to prove I could do it all. The meal wasn't perfect but I more than proved myself. Pot Head and Moby also came over for dinner. Moby has become our honorary roommate because his pod is empty and he finds it creepy. We've talked about him moving into our dorm so we don't end up with someone crazy if they let more people upstairs.

After dinner we went out and smoked some of Pot Head's ak-47. I've smoked it at least twice now. It makes your lungs feel like they are full of glass. I took one hit tonight and promptly threw up. I felt like I might but I wasn't sure so I hopped up and ran away from the boys. A few feet and I coughed hard and projected vomit onto the ground. I was happy the boys didn't offer me any more weed when I was done. I didn't want anymore but didn't want to be a pussy and turn it down if offered.

We smoke cigarettes in the court yard when we were done. Even though I only had one hit I was flying high. It felt like we were smoking those cigarettes for hours, maybe even days but it was only fifteen minutes. I don't like to smoke cigs after weed so I kept wondering why it was taking the boys so long to finish. Everything was profoundly funny.

Pot Head had to leave to go into shelter. We continued watching movies upstairs. After we finished "The Lorax" (which Pot Head picked to watch first) we watched "Seven". Now, we're watching "Dark Shadows". I'm less than thrilled about this movie choice. I can only watch Johnny Depp and Tim Burton regurgitate the same movie so many times. But roomie wanted to see it so I humor him.

We haven't cut into the pie yet so I don't know how I did on my first pie but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes when we're done with the movies. I intend on taking some ham to Flora to see what she thinks of my first ten pound ham.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Nothing better than celebrating the mass genocide of Indians by stuffing your face full of food! (jk)

--mm

Friday, November 16, 2012

Favor for a Friend?

A friend that I haven't talked to in awhile posted on Facebook that his younger sister was killed in a car crash last night. She was only eighteen. His family is very close and as you can imagine devastated. I've currently put down other crochet projects to make a prayer shawl/blanket for him. He has requested people's thoughts and prayers during this hard time. I don't really care what deity you believe in (he doesn't either) or if you believe in no deities at all. Just, if you can, and are willing, keep him and his family in your prayers and/or thoughts right now. If you'd like to pass a message along to the grieving family you can message me and I can help facilitate that.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Shame

Firstly, I would like to say I'm really proud of America this election. I couldn't be happier with how things turned out (except maybe if Measure 80 had passed) and I'm proud that people were not only standing up for women's rights this election but also the rights of the LBGTQ community and supporting candidates that are part of that community. I'm happy with the direction our country is going.

Earlier today someone I considered a friend messaged me on Facebook and told me I should be ashamed of myself with being in transitional housing like I am. She tried to taunt me by saying, "How many days have you been homeless now?" Apparently being in housing is the same as being in a shelter.

When I told her that she should respect where I'm at in life or stop messaging me she told me I was self-absorbed and blocked me off Facebook. I was already intending on blocking her. I don't need people who think that way in my life and I reject the idea that I should feel shame for where I've been.

As far as being "self absorbed" I think this friend was merely projecting her own attitudes onto me. However, at the same time I don't care about much else than taking care of myself right now. Trying to be there for people hasn't gotten me anywhere and I find that most people don't return the favor. I'm there for people when I can be but right now my priority is me.

When it comes to being ashamed of where I live there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent this. It could have happened to anyone. Most people my age are still living off their parents. I have friends in their 30's that still in some ways depend on their parents in some ways. If these kids that are my age aren't living with their parents they are being housed in college dorms.

I don't have parents. I don't have family. At the end of the day all I have is myself. I think it's reasonable to admit that at 21 I can't do it all on my own. I've been on my own since I was 16. I did okay but I couldn't manage it and being sick.

After the whole mug shot incident I sat down with our adviser of the newspaper. She told me, "Well, you know how journalists are. They don't mean anything by it. You've had a really hard year but it's over now. You're moving forward. You're back [in school]. You're working. It doesn't matter."

Savior Man told me shortly before I got into housing, "Some people spend years being homeless; you did it in one summer. That's something good."

There are kids who have been in shelter for years. There are kids that will never get out. There are adults that have been on the streets since they were younger than me. Once while bullshitting with Gauges Guys at the day program he said, "Where do you think all the homeless people on Burnside came from? They were all here ten years ago."

It's sad but true. But, I am not one of those people. I have exceeded the expectations I set for myself. I'm in school. I'm working. I have a place to live. I'm not in a shelter. I'm proud of myself. I may not be proud of every decision I've made. I may not be proud of what it took to get here but I am proud of what I'm doing with this. I am proud of where I'm going. It's not about what I've been through. It's about where I'm going and what I'm doing until I get there.

--mm




Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bronco Bamma



I'm on pins and needles watching this election's results come in. I don't think I've ever been so stressed about an election. Granted, this is the first time I've been old enough to vote in a presidential election. I was just a few months shy in 08. Still, I don't think I have ever had so much to lose over politics.

I am a college student. I am a female. I have health problems. I have food stamps. I live in government sponsored funding and am dependent on a government supported program for the homeless. I work retail in a store that is going to be laying people off in a week or two. I believe in civil rights for all people; men, women, black, white, Mexican, Asian, gay and straight. And tonight all of these things can disappear into thin air.

I've gone back and forth for awhile on whether or not I wanted to make an election post on this blog. My anxiety has me at a point where I can't help but purge this somewhere. I don't want to turn off any Republicans or Romney supporters that might read this blog but you know I can't help but say things how I see them.

Romney's number one concern is not for the homeless population. It's not for the middle class. It's not for me. Romney cares about one thing: the number of 0's he can add to his bank account. My future is not as important as his 0's.

Him winning would mean these services I depend on will be downsized and cut. I could lose my health insurance, vital medication. I could be back on the streets worse off than I was when all this started.

Voting in Oregon closed 11 minutes ago. It's a shame we can't drink in housing. Now would be a great time for a drinking game. Happy election day everybody! No matter who you vote for, vote. It's important.

--mm


FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Swear I'm Not Making This Up!!

So, first and foremost, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Halloween is my favorite holiday so I hope everyone enjoyed it. Hope you have some candy handy because this blog post is going to need some sugar to get through. Quite possibly in the top three of crazyness.

Our photojournalism teacher sent us home to enjoy our holiday. My editor-in-chief friend PussyPants (If you're reading this dear friend, you can get a real name when you grow balls and take your job back.) gave me a ride home. I berated him for sucking at his job for a good several hours. (In his defense he admits he needs to grow a pair and stop sucking). We ended grabbing my roomie and attempting to find liquor which is not easy to do at 9pm in Oregon. We finally settled on Mikes. The next problem was finding a place to drink since we can't drink at housing.

We went up to a park and drank on a swing set bullshitting and making my PussyPants feel bad for how horrible the newspaper has been going and how it has been treating me. After this we drove back to housing and sat in his car, smoking cigarettes, and you guessed it, ruining his self esteem. (Mind you he's twice my age and I trained him in journalism so I kept saying "I raised you better than this").

One of our case managers exited the building. We'll call her Zelda because she's a bad-ass nerd. I appreciate her because she is quite scared of me but admits it and amuses me. She has said before that I keep her alive for the amusing factor. She's probably right. She always says my pony tail has an unusual amount of buoyancy that makes her want to flick it and punk me but she values her life so she does not. (Those are her exact words).

So, we're talking and she's telling me I should stop calling bitches bitches because it doesn't set me up to win blah blah blah lecture lecture lecture. Of course I'm sticking to my if you don't want to be called a bitch don't be a bitch philosophy. During this back and forth (where my PussyPants friend says I'm like this everywhere) a man in a real fur trench coat, wearing a real top hat, comes to the car with a cane. He puts his hand in my friend's open window, kneels in the wet grass and unsheathes his cane, which turns out to be a sword. A real sword.

I say "Hi, person I don't know." as he kneels down. Being in the passenger seat I didn't see everything quite so clearly. Zelda said she could smell the alcohol he emanated. At first I was confused, not frightened. It was he pointed the sword toward the car and I saw the blade I began to feel my heart beat slow down in my chest. I didn't know how to react.

He looked at my friend with hate and anger that I did not know a person could feel for someone they don't know. He moved the sword unsteadily as if deciding whether or not to kill us or who he would stab first. Even from the passenger seat I could see the glint of the sword in the dark night, the sharpness of the blade, and the weight in his arm as he held it. It would seriously injure if not kill us should it make contact with our bodies. The man himself was large, over six feet and large stature. Had he not been so scary I may have compared him to Hagrid in Harry Potter. It would not take much effort for him to hurt us, even without the weapon.

I had my hand on my cellphone; I don't remember what else I was doing. I wanted to call the police but I was afraid that pulling out my phone would alert him to kill us. I kept wishing my friend would roll up his window to protect the three of us in the car, but of course no one wanted Zelda to get hurt either.

My roommate had his phone in hand too. He was trying to figure out how he would protect himself and me should the guy proceed to stab Zelda and PussyPants.

PussyPants was thinking about hitting the guy with the car door.

Zelda quite calmly said, "Hi, this is a problem."

She proceeded to explain to Top Hat Man that his behavior was unsettling and socially unacceptable and if he did not put his sword away she would call the police. She told him that this behavior went against social norms. Top Hat Man apologized, bowed, handed her the sword. She took it, surprised by its weight. She handed it back and he replaced it in his sheath and walked away.

We sat there dumbstruck for several seconds, wondering if this actually happened or if we all experienced the same hallucination. Zelda used this as a further example as to why I should be calm instead of calling people bitches. I can't say I could argue with her after this. We all said goodnight, still mystified by this whole scene.

I almost wonder if she paid that guy to make her point but she said she was terrified despite her calm demeanor and PussyPants smelled the alcohol too. It's been the topic of much discussion since we've gone upstairs. I'm amazed by how well she handled the situation. She, in reality, just saved my life and the life of my two friends. She has earned my respect, which is no easy task.

--mm

"I'm only brave when I have to be. Even kings get scared sometimes." --The Lion King