Day Thirty-Two

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

I was right to worry. There is no sign of Kitten lady at oatmeal...I mean breakfast. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is something wrong for her to be off the grid this long. She knows that breakfast is the one sure way to find me.  To make matters worse the library has changed its hours so it is no longer open on Mondays. One less place for homeless kids to hang out. To top it off PDX Playdate will be calling the people they intend to hire today. I have to wait hopefully with anticipation for my phone to ring with good news.

With no library I go to Whole Foods with Crochet Buddy and Yougio. I look up information on filing a missing person's report. Because she is 18 and has a drug problem I know the chances of someone believing me are slim. My anxiety is so bad I can't even clear my head enough to write. I can't even see straight. I watch Home Room on Netflix instead and when I can't take it anymore I go to buy cigarettes and to just take a break and breathe in Powells. When I buy the smokes the guy studies my ID then studies me. "You look so young."
"I know I get that a lot."
"You'll be thankful for that when you're older."

I always hate when people say that to me. I learned long ago that people give you less respect when you look young. As if I need more help in that area right now. I smoke several cigarettes breathing a little easier every time I pop one of those menthol bubbles. At Powells I can't resist to buy a new journal. I convince myself I need it.  Armed with that and pencils I feel a teeny tiny bit better. A tad bit more grounded. Oh the things that keep me sane.

At 1:30 I go back to #1 in hopes that KL has shown up. When I get there her boyfriend is smiling like he's just found a whole dollar in the parking meter. "I found her." he says, the knot in my stomach does not disappear. I run to her. I hug her but she doesn't hug back. She sits immobile, staring forward, crying. I hand her a cigarette but she doesn't move to light it. Eventually I light it for her. She holds it but doesn't smoke it. I watch it slowly turn to ash as she sits there too stressed to smoke it. Still crying too damn hard.

She tells me what is possibly the most terrifying story I have ever heard. Made all the more terrifying by the fact that this can happen to us at anytime when we're sleeping outside. She struggled  as she told me what happened in the two days she was missing. I cannot tell all the details for safety reasons but essentially, she was kidnapped and thoroughly frightened. She was made to do things she did not want to do through intimidation and manipulation. One of the men that was involved in kidnapping her she knew because he is good friends with her mother. This is why she trusted them enough to get into the car with them.


One of the people in the car said she didn't want to let KL go because she "knew too much". They stole everything but the clothes on her back. She doesn't even have shoes anymore. She is so shaken up and frightened she keeps looking around and jumping at every little noise. Her hyper vigilance is so bad I'm pretty sure she could make Vampire Girl's head explode.

I ask her if she's eaten. She hasn't. I tell her I'm going to go up and get staff. She begs me not to tell them. I say I won't. She doesn't even want the boyfriend to know. I tell her I won't. I run up the stairs two at a time instead of taking the elevator. I find Mother Goose in the kitchen and tell her that Kitten Lady needs help. We need to get her in shelter for one thing. She needs other help besides.

"Well she has to advocate for herself." she says.
"She can't!" I yell, "She's outside bawling for godsake. She can't even smoke."

Mother Goose says she'll send Beard Man down. I go back and sit with her until Beard Man comes down. We go upstairs to the day room and she tells Beard Man the same story with more gruesome details. She cries hysterically so Beard Man grabs tissues and I grab a cup of water for her but Beard Man drinks it.
Beard Man sends an email to the shelter to ask them to let her in tonight. He tells her he will get her clothing vouchers.

I suggest maybe she go to the clinic to get something for her anxiety. She agrees to go. I ask her if she wants me to go in with her or wait outside. She tells me not to leave her. So, I don't. I follow her in to the doctor's office as if I belong back there. People have gotten so used to us as a twosome they don't even question it. Waiting for the doctor to come in she asks me, "Would you tell?"

I think when asked this question people immediately jump to the conclusion that in her position they would tell. I know from experience that it's not that easy. I think for awhile and say, "I don't know." I want her to tell because I want these people to go to jail. I don't want her to tell because that is going to be a long and difficult process. She says she doesn't want to tell. That eventually they will be caught no matter what. I tell her that it's her decision and no one has the right to tell her anything different.

I somehow manage to get the doctor to prescribe both of us Hydroxine and Clododine for anxiety.

While she's in the shower I go to the grocery store and buy every last tub they have of rice pudding and three things of cinnamon sugar. The lady at the register looks at me and says, "Good stuff huh?"
"My friend loves it. You guys are out of it now."

In total it comes to $40 of my food stamps. I'd say it's worth about 1/4 of my food purchases. I know we'll end up buying that many eventually anyways. While she's in the shower I say, "Bad news, Safeway is out of rice pudding."
"That's okay." She says.
"The good news is I have them all."
She laughs.

While I'm still sitting waiting for her to come out Flippy Hair Guy comes and sits by me.
"I was right there was something wrong." I tell him.
He nods, "What happened?"
"Long story short she was kidnapped. She's safe but pretty traumatized."
"I'm sorry."
"Is it worth it?"
"No."

To his credit Flippy Hair Guy has always disagreed with the BLA system even though for the sake of his job he doesn't vocalize that opinion to anyways outside of clients. Because he is just a recovery person for addiction he doesn't kick anyone out or anything. Disciplinary action is actually something not even in his job description or capabilities but I needed to rant at someone and Flippy Hair Guy is actually pretty good for ranting at. (Also, fun factoid day thirty-two was his 23 month anniversary of sobriety. Go him!)

Beard Man tells me I'm being moving up to Street Light tonight.
"I don't want to." I tell him, "Can I just give my reservation to the next person on the list?"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure as hell not leaving her alone. Will it be okay for me to not go up?"
He nods, "That makes you a good person."
I shrug, "She can't be alone. Not like this."

I don't let her out of my sight at all. I sit outside the door while she showers. After dinner we walk to Western Union to pick up money the rich uncle sent. On our way to Western Union she steps on a shard of glass. We can't get it out right away as we don't exactly have a place to sit. She walks the rest of the way with glass in her foot.

At Western Union the three of us work together to get the glass out. Finally, we get it  and the little sliver comes out orange with her blood. I wipe her foot with an alcohol swab then put three band aids on it in an attempt to cushion it. It's not perfect and she still doesn't have shoes but it'll have to do. Those tetanus shots are coming in handy.

We go to the Dollar Tree in hopes of finding flip flops but no avail, all they have left are kid sizes. We head to Fred Meyer to try and get her to eat. She doesn't though. She says it hurts to swallow. I get her to eat plain rice pudding by saying, "One more bite. We aren't leaving until you eat one more bite."

"When you used to nanny those kids didn't get away with anything did they?"
"No, absolutely not." I say.

We go to shelter and they tell me because of my upstairs reservation I can sleep upstairs or outside. I'm not having any such nonsense so I throw a fit until Director Lady comes outside to talk to me. I tell her a watered down version of what happened and that I cannot and will not leave KL's side. She obliges and allows me to postpone my reservation to stay downstairs with her.

I go in and tell Nazi Man that KL and I need to be next to each other. He instantly says no, we have too many noise warnings.
"Oh hell no," my voice is raising, "That's the whole point of me being in here."
"You can be with her as much as you want outside the dorm but you always talk when you are in the dorm together."

I throw a fit so loud Director Lady comes flying down the stares. I have no hesitation about standing on my toes to get in  Nazi Man's face despite the fact he is almost two feet taller than me. He will let me sleep with KL so help me God or he will never hear the end of it. Director Lady sits me down in the red chairs and I rant for a good twenty minutes about how if BLAs had an alternative KL never would have been hurt. She is trying so hard but no will even give her the chance. After hearing an earful she puts us in the same dorm but I'm still not done. I cannot fathom how she is justifying a little girl like KL sleeping outside for the sake of enforcing the rules.

I continue to yell at other staff members until I am crying. Even Jesus offers me sour gummies in an attempt to calm me down. I shake my head. Crochet Buddy hugs me and KL both but I'm not calming down. I cannot believe this situation has even happened. When I finally decide that I'm bored of throwing a fit (or the Clododine kicks in) I sit outside KL's shower stall. 

"I fucking love you," she says, "You're so crazy."
"Well, I wasn't going to let them get away with that nonsense."

I go to bed telling KL to wake me up if she needs me. She doesn't though and instead stays up crying all night on Jamie's shoulder while I sleep completely oblivious.

--mm