Day Forty-Eight

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

We wake up to the sound of someone unlocking the gate beneath us. There is a lot of banging in the storage room under the roof we are sleeping on. Oh God. My heart is pounding so hard I think the people beneath us must also hear it. We lie still. We don't even breathe. Kitten Lady glances over the wall to see what's going on. A Mexican man is mowing the lawn of the church courtyard. It sounds like there are people in the storage room moving supplies around. 

We try to wait it out but we need to get to Day Program #2 before they stop serving breakfast. I don't know what to do. It's not as scary as being caught at night, when you have nowhere to go but it's still terrifying. We are trespassing which is kind of a big deal should the church decide to press charges on us. KL jumps down and I try to throw the bags and kitten to her as fast as we can whenever the landscaper's back is turned to us. Finally, he spots me. We make direct eye contact so we can't even pretend we don't see each other. Nothing left to do but jump down. 

My feet land on the ground with a thud. The man looks at me confused wondering why there are little girls jumping from the sky outside of his church. We grab our stuff and try to walk away casually. A white man stands on the other side of the wall holding the door open. He looks at us and laughs. Finally, I start to breathe again.

We walk to #2 but by the time we arrive they've stopped serving. All that's left are flavorless, dry biscuits. I eat three. Being a criminal makes me hungry. Without a proper breakfast in our tummies we go to McDonalds. On our way KL says, "You know if you were a guy or we were lesbians you'd probably be my soul mate." Neither of us are really happy with Houdini refusing to go out. It's not that I mind sleeping outside. I don't. It's the lack of concern. I get us an ice cream and a cinnamon roll even though I'm getting dangerously low on funds. KL goes outside to socialize with some street kids while I stay in on my laptop. 

"Look at them, they're nasty." I hear a fat lady saying, "Why don't they just get a hotel room?"

I seriously think I am going to throw up. Here is a fat lady standing at McDonalds shoveling fries and soda down her throat and she judges us? The lady is looking out the window as if the group of street  kids spanging is an exhibit at the zoo. She shrieks, "Look that one has a little kitten. I should go rip that kitten out of her hands. If you can't afford a house you don't deserve a kitten."

I'm so disgusted I honestly have no idea what to even say to this lady. Even with everything that has happened in the past 50ish days I am shocked and appalled by this woman and her husband standing there bullying young kids who couldn't afford a house even if they weren't homeless. Could she afford a house at 18 and 21? I doubt it. I bang on the window hard and tell KL to come in. The lady and her husband and leave, smart enough not to attempt to take that kitten away. Pretty sure KL would kill a bitch if she fucked with her kitten. She's had enough with cat trauma. After they leave I remember we have pepper spray. I wish that bitch would have tried to touch her kitten. KL would have pepper sprayed her ass. 

We may be broke, but at least we aren't disgusting. At least we know how to treat our fellow human beings. At least until they irritate me. (haha). 

We sit outside with the street kids for a few minutes after that. We pass a cigarette around and joke. They have two dogs, one of which lays its head in my lap. When it gets close to time for the library to open we head in that direction. Houdini shows up there looking for KL. She can't find her wallet which ends up being a crisis as it has her money, bank card, social security card, and pin numbers in it. We go back to where we slept but the spot is swarming with people. There is no way we can jump up and look. We call Fred Meyer and they don't have it. Fuck.

We go to #2 for lunch which is a really crappy rendition of flavorless mac n cheese. We can't turn our noses up at it though, we are out of food stamps. We find a thing of zucchini bread and a blue berry muffin in a box of groceries staff are unloading. We devour those too. Out of snacks we ask one of the guys if he has any. He provides cookies, fruit by the foots and fruit snacks. In about three minutes all of those are gone. Why the hell are we so damn hungry now that we are out of food stamps?

Neither of us feel like doing anything so we hang out at #2. Flippy Hair Guy's buddy that runs rec group starts talking to me. He says that the AMP program used to make a magazine and he's thinking about getting it started back up. He asks if I write or do any form of art. I laugh. Do I write? Nah. I go on a rant about how I was a journalist before all this mess and a damn good one too. I do really miss it. 

KL comes out of the bathroom screaming for me. I think she's puked all over the place again and we have to make a run for it. Instead she shows me how much pus came out of a zit she just popped. That girl is going to give me a heart attack and kill me. Later she tells me she left the pus on the soap dispenser for others to see. Yeah, I think I hang out with weird people. 

KL starts doing her make up with the little bits she has left. She is out of eye liner which is more than she can bear. "It's so sad that the only people who have eye liner here are the boys," she laments. 

I take a shower and bring the kitten with me since she peed on us last night. Tailia loved showers. Tweak does not. She cries the whole time and when we come out she looks like a pitiful wet rat. I bundle her in a towel and say, "It's what you get for peeing on stuff when you're perfectly potty trained."

Director Lady from shelter comes in. It's kind of awkward to see her not in her natural habitat of shelter. She feels awkward too. She shyly sits down at the table with me and KL and looks around like she's waiting for the popular kids to beat her up or some guy to go off his rocker and shoot her. She is so horribly uncomfortable she makes me feel awkward for her. 

She pets KL's cat which I think is kind of ironic, seeing as if she saw this cat in shelter KL would be seriously fucked. (I guess I would be fucked too since I don't let her sleep outside alone anymore.) She asks me where we slept last night, if we had somewhere safe to go to. Again, I find this ironic. Most of the time she kicks people out with no concern of where they are going. It's so odd to see her outside of her job description. I do not know what to do with her, especially since she looks as pitiful as Tweak did when we first got her. 

"We have a spot we go to," I tell her, "It's hard if there's only one person but with two it's a really good spot. No one can see you. We're pretty sure the cops got called on us last night but even they didn't find us."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I think they thought we had hopped the  fence to sleep in the court yard or something. It was scary. We just stayed quiet and hid. It was like Anne Frank status up in there."

She laughs in a way that says she really shouldn't want to laugh but she can't help it. She asks if we're comfortable outside. I shrug, "I actually kind of like sleeping outside. As long as you have a spot where you feel safe you get better sleep than in shelter and you get to sleep in."

This is an idea that has never occurred to Director Lady. I watch it register in her face that street kids never get to sleep in unless they sleep outside. I wonder how long she's gone without ever pressing the snooze button once. She gives up on the youth she's waiting to meet with and leaves. She says if she finds KL's wallet in shelter she'll call my cell phone.

I really don't know what to think of Director Lady. KL hates her. She says she is nice to the point of being passively rude. I like her for the most part I think. I really think she tries to be fair but is naive to how it really is for us or what is going on behind the scenes. At this point I've written so many grievance reports when I hand them into her she just laughs and says we'll talk later. She told me my most recent one was, "very well written." When I told KL this later she laughed. Director Lady can now judge my writing through an abundance of grievance reports. In all honesty though, she's not all bad and her naive nature may be helping us more than we know. She genuinely believes us when we say the kitten stays with KL's aunt at night. And she just happens to live two blocks from shelter. She also thought that if you get caught sleeping outside it's not a big deal; you won't get in trouble just asked to move. If only it worked that way.

I go up and take a nap on the couch with the kitten. KL lays on my legs. She wakes me up for dinner but I don't feel like moving. It's not that I was even tired. We got really good sleep last night after things calmed down.  I'm just cozy and bored. I go back to sleep until they wake us up to leave. 

KL got some shorts out of the clothing closet. She asks me to try and sell them at the Buffalo Exchange since she has gone there to sell clothes too many times. They accept both pairs for $5. It's better than nothing. KL comes in with the kitten and the manager on duty asks, "Are you selling her?" 

"No." We both almost shout. 

"We went through too much trouble for this kitten." I say, "She is stuck with us now." 

We take the money and head to Starbucks. Some boys are rapping into an amp speaker across the street. They are actually talented little white rappers. Not only that but they are intelligent and don't rap about prostitutes or anything nasty. KL jumps in and raps a verse with them and they cheer surprised that the little white girl can rap. 

After we are done rapping on the side walk I go to Starbucks to sit while she tries to find Houdini. She promises she will just run to the food court and back. I see her walk past once but time trickles by and there's no sign of her for awhile. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start calling her Houdini. I wait until 8pm then start to worry. We need to get her into shelter tonight. I can't stay out two nights in a row. I'd get kicked out of shelter. I grab both our bags (she left me hers to watch) and go look for her in the food cart. No sign of her. Goddamnit. 

I regret moving because I just increased the possibility of us missing each other. I walk to the fountain where I see Director Lady kicking a group of us out for violating the two block rule. I walk by and smile at her, as innocent as I can be. Of course, I'm just passing through to get to Fred Meyer. I'm certainly not hanging out at the fountain. 

I sit on the concrete outside of the Dollar Tree and wait for KL. Someone finds me and says, "Home girl is at the bus stop." I yell for her to come to the Dollar Tree. Drama Girl is following her, once again, like a lost puppy. Ugh. She really drains me. I do notice that ever since she's been trying to befriend KL she has a lot less back acne. Wonder where all those zits have gone. 

KL says she got back to Starbucks at 8:12. When I wasn't there she knew I was out at the fountain. I really need to practice my patience. 12 more minutes and we would have found each other and Drama Girl probably wouldn't be on our heels. 

"You know how when you get really mad at Houdini and you say he better hope he's arrested?" I ask KL.

She starts laughing, "That's how you felt?"

"Yes." 

We have just enough time for me to run and pee at McDonalds and then go into shelter. We get her upstairs safely. I'm relieved that we are both inside safely. The one disadvantage of sleeping outside is my body aches the next few days. I need Ibuprofen and a nice bed and pillow for a little while. 

In shelter we have the house meeting. The house meeting is held every Wednesday night at 9:30pm. People write up things they want discussed each week. We can vote on things that we want brought to staff meetings to have them changed. We actually do change things too. My first night here people were required to do chores even on their very first night. We voted to have that vetoed and allow new comers to have one night chore free or receive a nonuse. 

I'm not sure if I explained nonuses previously. But they are credits for doing extra chores, being in shelter for five consecutive days or attending house meeting. Doing dishes gives you a nonuse because it's such a lengthy chore. And because I usually do both upstairs and downstairs dishes I get two. That plus attending house meeting make Wednesdays a pretty fruitful night for me. 3 nonuses in one night is pretty bad ass. 

After house meeting I throw my laundry in the washer and hide out in the dorm until it's time to do dishes. Vampire Girl and Ginger Kid's Girlfriend are both out for the night which means I have my dorm to myself. It's a nice change. I lay in bed eating Starbursts and reading. It's nice to have some quiet space and privacy.


I switch my load in the dryer then head downstairs to do dishes. It's a low volume night. Only two trays from downstairs and one from upstairs. Nazi Man visits with me for a little bit. He asks me how I like upstairs.


"I don't know," I say, "It's really quiet. It's boring but I like having a locker."
"At least you don't have to worry about getting a bed," he says, "We've been filling up in under five minutes."
"I've noticed. That's not normal for summer is it? It didn't fill up at all when I was downstairs."
"No, it's not normal."
"Do you know why?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea."


I ask about a box of reject pastries from Whole Foods that are sitting on the counter top. He tells me to help myself. Don't mind if I do. I eat one of the muffins. It's pretty gnarly as it's one of those healthy nut foods with flax in it. I'm starving though so I eat it while I stack plates and bowls in their designated spots. I put the kitchen back to functional and scan the box.


Nazi Man did tell me to help myself. I take a large chocolate cookie, three biscuits, two muffins, banana bread and stuff them in one of the little boxes. I throw them in with my bag of pistachios upstairs. KL and I will be able to eat tomorrow without wasting money. 

I pull my clothes out of the dryer then take a shower. Putting on pajamas fresh and warm from the dryer makes me happy. I fold my laundry sitting on my heels. Only a few night owls are still awake. It's damn near silent. I lay in bed and read until my eyes can't even stay open then I fall asleep. 

I dream that my estranged father is dying yet still rejects me even when I try to help him on his deathbed. 

--mm