Day Sixty-One

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

In the morning I can't find Kitten Lady. Seeing as she's in a wheel chair I'm surprised she's even able to disappear on me. I can only assume she has someone pushing her so I don't worry too much about it. I go to Day Program #1 where I'm offered a free massage as more ass kissing from Mother Goose. She also allows me to be on the computers which is forbidden at breakfast and lets me stay up an extra forty minutes. I'm loving this.

I go down for my free massage at the clinic which I'm looking forward to as every muscle in my body hurts. The lady confirms what I've already been thinking; that I'm getting rather buff from lugging around all my crap and pushing KL around.

In the afternoon I have to do an intake with my case manager. This was supposed to be done three weeks ago but since I was so abruptly dropped it hasn't happened yet. There is a long list of questions that make my stomach churn. Where is my family? Why don't I talk to them? What forms of trauma have I experienced?

"Could you go home if you wanted to?" She asks.
"No," I say. I don't even know where "home" is anymore. California? Atlanta? Alabama? New York?
"Are you willing to share what trauma you were exposed to, to develop PTSD?"
"No."
"Siblings?"
"One biological brother. Two step."
"Talk to them?"
"Not really."
"Was your stepfather good?"
"Uh. No."
"What did he do?"
Shrug.
"Was there any form of abuse?"
"Nothing too noteworthy."
"Was it reported?"
"Yes."
"What happened?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Were you ever in foster care?"
"Yeah."
It goes on and on. Does anyone ever really want to talk about this stuff? I sure as hell don't.

After this shenanigan I head toward the library where I run into Ariel. I ask her where KL is and she tells me that Houdini is out of jail so she's with him. This makes me happy. I go to Day Program #2 to find them. Houdini runs up to me saying, "Sister!" and hugs me. He looks like a little kid on Christmas. He talks about getting clean and getting a job. His parole officer agreed to lift the no contact order between him and KL if they go to counseling. I'm thrilled.

We go to the Day Program #1 where I ask for gift cards to buy yogurt to help my stomach with the antibiotics. Mother Goose gives me $15 in gift cards for yogurt. Silly lady really is kissing my ass hard. KL and I go and get yogurt and granola and ice cream and have a feast.

Houdini gets high at some point which sincerely disappoints me. I was really hoping he would get clean and stay clean. He's a completely different person when he's not using and I adore him when he's not. It's hard to  describe Houdini because he is so different sober vs. high. I don't really know all the details but he's had a really hard life raised by drug dealers. He's been doing drugs since he was fourteen. (I think that's the age). I think that his emotional development was stunted due to this and so he often acts like a little kid. He is easily excited when he's happy but just as easily excited when angry. I think it's a matter of self control that he lacks which is why I don't get upset with him when he gets angry like he did the day he went to jail. I know he would not actually hurt me and he's protective of me and KL. He really would do anything for us.

The possibility of having the no contact order withdrawn is a huge relief. It would be so nice to have all three of us together in shelter and services. I don't like to use the word "family" as I usually get screwed over when I do but I feel a particular bond with KL and Houdini that I haven't had with anyone in a really long time.

When it comes time for shelter I help KL up the stairs because the downstairs part of shelter is under staffed. They tell Houdini to come back in twenty minutes to figure out where he can stay. I tell him if they won't let him up I'll bring him down some blankets. However, when he does buzz up and they reject him they refuse to relay his message to me so I can bring down the blankets. I honest to God don't even think about it until I go to bed at 11pm. Massive fail.

--mm