Day Eighty-Five

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

I wake up before eight because almost half of shelter is already up. For a brief moment I think I am back with my paternal family and all my cousins are talking but I realize all too soon that I'm not a kid anymore and all of my family is gone and I'm just stuck in this crummy shelter yet another day. I roll out of bed and eat a few bowls of cereal. I try to overeat on weekend mornings since there's nothing open until 1pm and I need to be more careful with food stamps. I shower and get dressed, taking my time until 9am to grab my phone before I'm in trouble for not being out on time.

One of the guys stands in the doorway that leads out of shelter. Instead of telling him to move I just stand there messing with my phone. One of the other guys tells him he's holding people up. "I'm holding M up," says Cow, "That's not the person you want to hold up."
I shrug, "I'm not in a hurry. I'll yell at you next time."
They laugh and try to mock me by saying, "Get the fuck outta my way."
When we get to the final door out of shelter he intentionally stands there just so I yell at him to get the fuck out of my way.

I don't mind at all though. Maybe it makes me a bad friend but lately I've been intentionally leaving late so I don't have to hang out with Kitten Lady. I just like being able to enjoy my blog and the internet which I can't do with her. She's banned from all of my wifi hot spots. Then there's the fact that the morning revolves around her having to spange up enough for a bag, then we have to find a bathroom for her to shoot up while I crochet outside the bathroom door. I'm just tired of it. Besides, I should be focusing on my blog and things outside heroin. I don't want my life to have to revolve around her addiction anymore.

I head to Starbucks so I won't have to compete with other street kids for Whole Foods wifi. I otherwise wouldn't mind being at Whole Foods with everyone else. I kind of miss hanging out with the other street kids when I think about it.

Outside Starbucks a couple sits with a boxer puppy. I come up to pet him and the man says, "He might jump on you."
"It's okay," I tell the puppy, "You can jump on me all you want."
As if on cue the seven month old puppy hops up on his back legs and puts his paws in my hands. He licks my face clean.
"Want to dance?" I ask him and start twirling him around with me, holding his paws.
The couple laugh. "That's so awesome," the guy says and I go into my overly fancy coffee shop so I can sit amoungst rich people and use the internet. I hate this Starbucks. I really wish Whole Foods had better wifi.

One of the baristas walks around and gives people samples of their bacon breakfast sandwich. I try one and can tell they're trying to make a healthy version because it tastes like shit. I eat it anyways though. I ask her for an ice water and continue on my internets to pass the time and enjoy a quiet Saturday morning for once.

When it's close to time for #2 to open I stagger over there early. After I finish my blog I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I've been exhausted lately. The guy who runs the day program is working and he knows me so I ask him if I can come in early to sleep. I tell him my migraines are killing me. He lets me and asks how the baby shower went. I tell him it was a smashing success.

I don't fall completely asleep on the couch, I just get a nice doze. I don't know what they put in the water today though. It's not long after they open before people start wigging out and fighting. It starts with me and Kitten Lady. When I wake up I ask her what she wants to do with her birthday tomorrow. Pizza Face starts blabbering about going to her parents house. (That's another thing, why are you hanging out in a homeless shelter when you have a fucking house? That's pathetic.) I tell KL I was thinking about asking #1 for movie tickets to go see a movie.

She does one of her classic freak out things and starts screaming that I'm insane. All I say is, "Look at how you talk to me when all I did was ask you want you want to do for your birthday but it's fine, spend your birthday alone. I'm done." And I really am. I'm done letting her treat me like this when I try to help her out. She always says she would do anything for me but when I ask her not to use my phone to get drugs or to go to the doctor for her foot she refuses. With all I do for her I'm feeling used. I've defended her time and time again when people have said that she is using me or abusing our friendship. I can't anymore. I've lied for her too  many times and now I look like an idiot.

I go to the computer room so I can get on Facebook. I have to wait for a computer so while I do I talk to Houdini and rant about how KL treats me. He agrees full heartily with me. He's sick of it too; that's why he hasn't been hanging out with us lately. Two of the girls leave and tell KL I was talking about her to Houdini. When Houdini says they're about to go tell KL what I've said I say, "I don't care. I've told her all that to her face and that just means I can have a computer now."

KL comes hobbling in on her cast screaming like an idiot. She threatens that she'll beat my ass outside which I laugh at. What's she going to do puke on me? She says I don't have any friends outside of her and that I'm a horrible person and a fat ass. You know all the usual. I tell her she looks stupid and she throws a Cheeto in my face which really makes me laugh. Then she hobbles out the door.

I honestly think it's funny when it's all over and continue to watch Jon Stewart and crochet my baby blanket for Baby Mama. (She's having him in five weeks or so by the way). I get word from her that she got her apartment and can move in Monday or Tuesday. I'm thrilled at this news.

When I go into the day room to look for someone Dreadlocks and Drama Girl get into it. I admit it's been awhile since I've watched the Dreadlocks/Drama Girl show. Houdini ends up running into the bathroom where they are fighting and holding Dreadlocks back so he doesn't hit Drama Girl . Dreadlocks leaves and then returns three times.

Six of the other kids offer to smoke a blunt together. I jump on this. With all the drama going on I'm ready to smoke some fucking weed. We go to the park where we roll a joint and pass it around laughing and sharing stories about being homeless and life outside being homeless. It probably makes me a terrible person but I'm kind of relieved that I can be done with KL now. I feel bad but I really do enjoy hanging out with other people and not having to worry about pushing her or making sure she has a bag.

After we smoke we go back for dinner. I haven't eaten all day since I had the cereal and I just smoked pot. You better believe I have the munchies. They are serving tiny burgers for lunch. I ask for two and convince them to give it to me. Then when one of the guys says he doesn't like it I eat half of his burger.

While we're eating Dreadlocks and Drama Girl get into it again. Someone calls Dreadlocks the n-word and it gets so ugly that staff are trying to evacuate everyone but nobody moves. We all just watch this spectacle. Staff is screaming at us to leave, Dreadlocks is screaming at whoever it is that used the n-word while the other black kids stand behind him. A kid starts playing the guitar and screaming a song over all the noise. Dreadlocks ends up leaving but the drama isn't over yet.

Another fight breaks out between two boys I don't know and once again they fail to evacuate us. The guy who runs all of #2 takes one of the boys outside for a walk but there's still screaming and yelling. I go outside and sit on a giant stack of boxes #2 has flattened outside the building. I talk with some of the guys and we all pass around a cigaraette even though I'm trying to quit for my sick friend. I figure my likelihood of dying from smoking is pretty low right now. It's more likely this lifestyle will kill me first.

There's still screaming and laughing we can hear every time someone opens the door and the police drive by to see if they can help get it all under control. Director Guy sends them away though. They always try to keep the pigs out of sight even when they are the ones that call them.

The same kids I smoked a blunt with say they're getting the hell away from there. I get up to join them but it takes two attempts to get myself off the cardboard; I fall back twice. We start walking towards Powells where we stumble onto their 41st birthday party. We crash it for awhile looking for Chuck Palahniuk who is supposed to be speaking. (He is the guy responsible for Fight Club). I want to stay and listen to the authors read. If I was with KL or by myself I would have been sitting there listening but I don't want to give away my nerdness to the other kids. I find some free cotton candy and end up eating not only my own giant one but two reject cotton candies the boys don't want.

We walk to a park a few blocks behind shelter. I didn't know about it before; Portland is big on parks so you always find ones you didn't know. There is one part that is a dog park so I run off to befriend the puppies.

There is a little baby miniature boxer dog that runs around yapping at all the dogs even though they are three times bigger than it is. I like this puppy and tell him, "If I were a dog I'd probably be you." I play on the playground while the joint is being rolled and make myself dizzy on the spinny thing and go down some slides. When I stagger back we pass a joint between the six of us. We joke around and have a good time. One of the boys is trying desperately to flirt with me but I try to pretend I don't notice.

We sit enjoying our high. It was really good medicinal pot. I have some major cotton mouth from the cotton candy and pot combination so I start walking towards the dollar store. When the other kids don't follow I ask, "Just going to sit there?" They laugh and follow me.

In shelter I go through all of my stuff and pick out anything that belongs to KL. It fills a whole trash bag. No wonder my locker is always an avalanche. I give it to Houdini, or at least try to but he begs me to keep it. "She can't carry all that," he says.
"I know but she's not my problem anymore." I tell him.
When Bridge Lady gets involved she says, "She's right; it's not her problem anymore."

Houdini and I both agree we are still brother/sister but he understands I need my break from KL and a chance to take care of myself. He doesn't really hold it against me that I can't agree to continue holding her belongings or enable her in the ways that I have been. He calms and says he'll take it in the morning.

I know it doesn't seem like it from the blog but Houdini and I are pretty close, considering we have all sorts of attatchment disorders. I know it's not nice for him to be stuck in the middle of this but I need to make my point. I'm not taking this anymore. I don't have to. I reorganize my locker until it's immaculate. Then I get the internet to work in my dorm again and sit online until my eyelids are closing on me and I fall asleep.

--mm