Day Seventy-Three

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

My day mostly starts out with a fight between myself and my case manager. She can't take five minutes out of her day to let me ask her a question and is snooty about it. While I appreciate her Beatles' covered office I don't really like her and I don't foresee this changing.

I tell this to the lady who is in charge of the case managers. She doesn't quite know what to do with me so she says she'll discuss it with the case managers and give me an answer later. For now I'm back (once again) into limbo with case management. Goody. But, I just don't see this working out with the case manager I've been put with.

We decided the day before that we were going to sleep outside tonight so we can spange and escape the heat of shelter. We go to a store a bit out of the way to try and find some stencils to make posters and get makeup. We stick makeup in our bras since we certainly can't afford it. I still feel naughty when I steal but I really miss feeling pretty. We can't find any stencils anywhere so KL says she'll make my posters for me so it doesn't look like a kindergartner wrote a sign about having a 4.0.

We go back downtown and even though I'm supposed to go pick up Spencer so he can sleep out with us to keep us safe KL convinces me to help her spange up $5. She needs to get herself a bag so she won't be dope sick. I help by pushing her around but I don't get money for her. She tells me she is going to go with me to get Spencer when we are done.

A couple tells KL they'll pay her $2 if she'll tell them her story about how she became homeless in Portland. We sit and tell them our stories for about ten minutes. They ask if our parents know where we are. She explains that her mom lives under the bridge here and I explain mine know but do not care. Never mind the fact that I blew up my mother's phone and she couldn't even return a phone call.

When all this is over KL decides she's changed her mind about going to get Spencer with me so I waited all that time for nothing. I'm grumpy and frazzled but head out there anyways. We contemplate just not doing it but I'm glad I got on the train because on the max I hear a family talking about the weather in my hometown.

I immediately ask them if they are talking about Cowtown, CA and they confirm yes they are. I go back on a nostalgia trip about jelly beans and blistering hot summer afternoons spent with the smell of chlorine. We talk until their stop and they tell me they are in town for a tree climbing competition; sounds like Portland. The parents ask me how I got here and which I like better Portland or California. We comment on the only mall in town back home. The kids and I comment on the high schools and how little there is to do there. They aren't much younger than I am.

I tell the parents about my street kid status and the differences between  the various tourists/residents here in Portland vs. California. They ask if I have anyone left back home so I tell them I think my mother and brother are still left but I'm not 100% sure. When we reach their stop the mother clasps my callused hand between her soft, warm ones and says, "I will not forget you." I tell her how to find the blog. I'm sad to see them get off. I tell them all to eat Jelly Beans for me. What I would do for a pet alligator right now. It's a nice thought to think that someone back home might be reading.

It makes me miss home. I would never move back to my hometown permanently. It's not really a great place. It's dirty; you can't walk a block without getting honked at and trash is all over the place. There is a lot more violence along with less than pleasant memories. Regardless, that place still is and always will be my home. The place that created me. I wouldn't change where I grew up for anything. Growing up in the Jelly Belly Factory is a huge part of who I am.

I have to rush to get to shelter after I pick up Spencer. I still need to go upstairs to grab my contact solution, blankets and a clean change of clothes. Spencer is sweet as can be on the max and I'm thankful for his gentleness. I am  really struggling and running out of things to hold onto.

When we meet up with KL he sees Tweak and his sweetness evaporates. As I'm trying to run to shelter he gets off his leash and attacks KL ripping open a gash on her hand. It's not as bad as it looks but it is bleeding profusely. I sprint back to them to try and intervene and get this all under control. KL realizes her wallet is missing so she hobbles back on one leg to grab it from where she set it down. I know Spencer isn't going to run or intentionally hurt anyone but I really need to get everything under control. While all of this is going on one of the staff guy's is sitting outside smoking and watching all of this unfold.

A word on Douche Man: he hasn't made an appearance on the blog before but he really is a disgusting human being. He is the worst staff I've come across (yes, even worse than Bitch Lady). He is a known heroin addict who once was fired for stealing medication from youth. They took a chance and rehired him but I can tell he still uses because he comes into shelter dope sick. After hanging out with KL and Houdini long enough I can tell when someone is strung out. Obviously, being a druggy isn't the end of the world to me. I try not to judge people's decisions because I don't want people to judge mine but when Douche Man comes in dope sick he makes a dope sick Houdini look like a cute hugable teddy bear. He goes to the Methadone clinic KL used to go to, (I know because I've seen him there) yet criticizes her for being strung out at eighteen. A week ago he came to shelter with a black eye he tried to hide by wearing a hat and was even more intolerable than he ever has been. As you can see I have a lot reasons behind why I really don't like this guy and no matter how hard I try I can not find a single redeeming quality this guy possesses.

Anyways, he watches all of this and when I have Spencer almost calm he comes over and starts yelling at me for "violating the two block rule". He's on a serious power trip and gives me a night out even after I try to explain what's going on. I think this is retarded; I have a thirty pound mainecoon with me. I'm obviously not trying to stay in shelter tonight.  It's not like I can hide him the way we hide Tweak. This whole exchange with Douche Man results in a screaming match and they refuse to even allow me upstairs to get a change of clothes and contact solution. Many times I am threatened with a loss of my reservation. I don't care. I'm so sick of this place I don't know how I'll last one more day.

KL is screaming for me and we are both yelling and crying and fighting. In the end KL calls for a cab from her organization that helps her to take us to her aunt's house. We obviously aren't going to be successful spanging if we're both a crying mess. We look terrible. I end up leaning against a wall with a panic attack before KL can get me to move. I do not want to do this anymore. I just can't do it. I miss my life. I miss home. What I would do to go back to California for a weekend. I miss my nonexistent family. I miss Spencer loving me. I hate this life so much, no matter how many times I tell myself this is all temporary.

When we finally calm down enough I wrap Spencer in a blanket to keep him from biting and scratching. It's hard to believe he used to be so easy going. Once in the cab though he calms down and sits in the rear window. Tweak keeps trying to hassle him but KL keeps her down. That cat is a little shit, she knows she can taunt Spencer without getting hurt so that's what she does whenever she can.

We arrive at KL's aunt's house unannounced. I'm less than thrilled about this: where will we go if she tells us we can not stay? We are in the middle of nowhere, far from downtown in the middle of the night. Her uncle lets us in without a problem though and is incredibly welcoming. KL ushers me straight to our room. She tells me the rest of the house is unpleasant and she doesn't want me to meet the rest of her family. I can hear their snide remarks through the walls and her uncle defending KL.

We go right to bed after spending ten minutes trying to figure out how to lay down the futon. KL is a big bed hog and almost pushes me off the bed several times. Spencer wakes me up sitting on my pillow and growling at nothing. Other than that I sleep fine and for once do not have nightmares content with the fact I have both of them with me despite how challenging it may be.

--mm