****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****
In the morning at breakfast Beard Man pulls me aside to talk to me. He says that he acknowledges that the past few months have been rocky between us but he doesn't want that to keep us from being friendly or me from being able to get resources. He says he wants me off the streets as soon as possible because I am "capable" of being on my own. I feel somewhat uncomfortable with this conversation as I don't really know what to say or how things snowballed so far downhill. I shrug and say everything is fine.
I go to the post office when I'm done to look for a package that a friend sent to me but hasn't arrived. They can't find it and say it's probably on the truck or delivered. I email my friend to see if he can find the tracking number. Later he responds that it was delivered yesterday at noon.
I go to my meeting with my case manager. We are supposed to come up with an "action plan" to get me off the streets today. It takes about ten minutes because I don't really know what to do. I don't have a phone so I can't apply for jobs. Because I can't apply for jobs I can't apply for housing because you need a job to get into housing. It's a serious catch twenty-two.
I haven't decided how I feel about my case manager, Beatles Lady. I like that she is so obsessed with the Beatles that she has an office decorate with their posters and their songs tattooed on her arm. I like that her office has pillows which makes it good to sleep in. But, I don't like that she didn't even acknowledge me for a week because she "didn't know what message to give me". I don't like that she seems to think it's okay for me to have potential employers call her phone. I don't trust her. It's going to be awhile.
Once that's done I go to the library until day program #1 opens back up for lunch. I demand they hunt for my package my friend sent so one of the ladies goes so I won't write ten grievance reports. She does find the package, a large envelope.
"What did you get?" Beard Man asks as I rip it open.
"A small envelope inside of a bigger envelope." I say as I pull out the white envelope. I peek in it and I see it's a check written out for $400. I slip it in my backpack before anyone sees it or asks me about the package. I throw the large envelope away and leave.
I decide that it's time to suck up this rift between Kitten Lady and I. I head down to #2 to see if she and Houdini are there. They aren't so I go back to the library to email my friend. I ask him if he's sure about sending me that much money. I am not going to cash it until I know that he's okay with it. I am not going to take people's kindness for granted.
As I'm walking back to #1 to put some things in my locker I pass two of the guys. I tell them I want candy and we agree to walk to the grocery store to get some candy. I want to stop by #1 to put some things in my locker. When we do I see KL sitting outside.
"We're going to have to rain check guys. I gotta talk to her."
"Does that mean we're not getting candy?"
"No, I gotta talk to her. Alone please."
I sit down to apologize to KL but before I have the chance we are laughing. It's like no time has passed and nothing has happened between us. We eventually head off with Houdini and while I'm pushing her in her wheel chair I say, "I'm sorry I was being so bitchy. I had the doctor up my Cymbalta."
"It's okay," She says, "We were both pretty bitchy."
She tells me that she thought I had dumped out all her stuff by the food court. I tell her I didn't and she says she knows it wasn't me it was someone else looking to steal it before they realized it belonged to her. We catch up. I tell her I've been sleeping more than anything, that I missed her wheel chair because it was a good work out for me, I was getting buff. I show her my little two pack abs and she laughs at me. She agrees that it looks like I've lost weight instead of gained weight so it must be muscle. I kiss Tweak and tell her, "Don't tell your mommy or daddy but I missed you the most." KL laughs. It's good to be together again.
I think there is something in knowing when you need a break from someone for awhile. Taking time for yourself is healthy and helps to keep relationships more in tact, more resilient to the things that could come between you and the other person. I care about KL and Houdini a lot and I did miss them a lot, even though at the time I didn't think so.
I tell her I will no longer loan them money. She understands why I can't. She tells me she's been slowly weaning herself off of dope. She doesn't want to be strung out anymore. I'm hopeful.
To end our night we go to McDonald's where I buy us a large fry to split to celebrate being together again. I ask the Pussy Manager how things have been and he smiles shyly, embarrassed about that night I called him a pussy. My friend emails me back about the money and says:
I wouldn't have sent it if I wasn't sure and didn't think it through.
If anything, an important lesson I learned from watching my dad is that you help your friends and family when they are in deep shit. He never said this to me but that's what he does in action despite all his flaws and I really admire that aspect. What good is the money you've accumulated? What kind of person do I want to be? I haven't met you in real life or whatev, but I think you're worthy of my token of friendship from my observation. I've met people I've contacted on the internet first and they're just people too. Like I said earlier, you're an extremely clever con or a young woman down really down on her luck that really needs help and support. You're a good penpal keep me updated!
We smoke a blunt that gets us all incredibly high which is weird. KL and I can't stop laughing and we don't even know what we are laughing at. We all go back into shelter. Houdini stays upstairs with me and keeps Tweak so that KL doesn't get kicked out again. I am disgruntled by a few things that he says but it's good to be all one unit again. Crochet Buddy asks me why I haven't been talking to him.
"Because you've been acting like an asshole," I say but I'm laughing.
"How have I been acting like an asshole?"
I'm laughing too hard to have this conversation right now, "Dude, I'm too high for this."
I decide it's best for me to go to bed early before I get in trouble. My dormmate laughs at me while I get into bed, flying high.
--mm
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