Day Eighty-Six

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

In the morning I give Houdini a large trash bag with all of Kitten Lady's stuff. He doesn't complain about it, just nods sadly. I feel like this is some form of weird dating, having to give her her stuff back like this but I need to make a point. I'm not going to be yelled at and cursed at, even if it is her birthday.

I go to Whole Foods in the morning because I think I might enjoy street kid company even if that means slow wifi. It works out though because only a handful of kids are there so the internet isn't too bad. We all sit on our computers with headphones on, not talking. It's a weird sort of companionship of this generation, when hanging out means not talking at all. Sometimes I just like to enjoy the quiet of my internet with other people around.

Online my former roommate's sister sends me a message, responding to my ask for help with Baby Mama's stuff. She tells me she wasn't ignoring me, she just wanted to think about who might have baby supplies as she just sold most of hers in a garage sale. I'm hit with a lot of thoughts and feelings all at once. I have really missed my roommate's sister. She is the one who taught me how to crochet. I used to sit in her house and crochet while we tag teamed yarn and children. I was dearly attached to her two-year-old daughter who called me her Beadey.

I take an anxiety pill I feel so overwhelmed and shaky talking to her. It's not really a bad overwhelmed. It's bad because I'm hit with all kinds of thoughts about my roommate kicking me into this position but I'm also thrilled just to hear from her sister again. She tells me to let her know when I know what Baby Mama needs and she'll send out an email to all the mothers she knows, which is a lot of moms. She says she'll arrange for me to get my belongings from her sister and she'll get me what I need until I find a permanent place.

I tell her about the potential grant to yarn bomb the block outside of the day program. She says she would love to get on board with that and she has yarn and hooks to donate if other kids want to learn crochet. She's working on self publishing a crochet book and will give us a copy. I offer to help edit it and she is willing to let me help. I tell her I have three free tickets for PDX Playdate and she says she'll bring the kids to PDX Playdate so I can see them.

I tell her I'm okay sleeping in the shelter. I make it sound better than it is. I don't want her sister to think she's won by casting me to the streets like she did. The best way I can come on top is to be happy. To be happy and publish books. I don't remember who said it originally but I've always lived by the quote, "The best sellers are the best revenge."

At one I walk with Gold, Kitty and Yougio to the day program. Ginger kid and his girlfriend are there and start mugging us. Gold starts yelling that she's pregnant as a jab to Ginger's Gremlin (...girlfriend)'s fake fetus.  I join in and say, "Me too!" One of the staff guys I hardly know sits next to us and says, "You two better not be pregnant. I'll beat both your asses."

They say at 5pm they'll have a sign up for thirteen people to go to the Timbers game. Now, I've mentioned it before but the Timbers are huge in Portland. They almost shut down Trimet every game. I've never really been big on watching sports; I always say I'd rather play sports than watch sports but I have a love for packed stadiums and people watching. Plus, I'd rather go watch the game than sit outside listening to people cheering while I wait for shelter. Finally, they probably have cotton candy. Needless to say at 5pm I'm signing up.

I spend a good chunk of the day hanging out at the library and watching Netflix. I was invited to go and smoke weed with Asian Kid and the boy that has a crush on me but decided to disappear on them. I just want to watch movies and be quiet today. I'm still a bit overwhelmed by the conversation I had with my roommate's sister.

When it's close to five I head back to #1 to sign up for the Timbers game. I see KL sleeping outside by herself. I walk past. It's her own fault she is alone on her birthday. Lazy-eye-doctor-lady comes upstairs and I call her over to me. I ask her about the referral for my ear and about the constant migraines. Then I tell her quietly, "At the rate KL is going she's going to kill herself. She's throwing up and trying to cut her cast off."
"Do you know what's making her throw up?" she asks.
I shake my head.
She says she'll try to pull her aside after she's done outside. She's been trying to find her anyways. I hope she follows through and sees her. KL needs more help than I can give.

We go off to the Timbers game. I'm pretty much the only girl going. Nerdboy is going so I ask the boy who has a crush on me, Harold, if we should get Nerdboy lost or locked somewhere in the stadium. He laughs at me. I go off with him and the Asian kid through the entrance and Nerdboy starts yelling at the security guards, "I'm with them!"
"No you ain't!" I scream back at him.

I spot a guy selling cotton candy. I have no money but I run up to get one anyways. He hands one to me then serves a family behind me. I open my bag of cotton candy before he's finished and dig out my debit card. I try to give him the card but of course he doesn't take card, only cash. I fake like I'm going to go find an ATM but disappear in the crowds.

The three of us then proceed to sneak into the VIP seating. I'm hesitant on this. I don't feel like getting kicked out of the game but we sneak down successfully. I prop my feet up and eat the cotton candy. I let the boys eat some but I ban the yellow stuff. That's the awesome shit that tastes like banana that I'm going to save for later.

The game is against San Jose, which isn't far from my hometown. I crochet while we watch the game from our excellent seats. It's a close game with lots of tumbling and falling on the ground. San Jose wins 3-1. A little girl in front of us looks at me funny when I yell at the ball players. She reminds me of the little girl I used to nanny. I look at her and say, "The ball goes in the net. You get it. I get it. Why don't they get it?" She laughs shyly at me.
"It's her first game." The mom says.
"Mine too."

After the game we walk to get yogurt and granola. We pass KL sitting alone on the benches outside of the dollar store, picking at her knee. I make a big show of the cotton candy just to be a bitch;she looks at it sadly and asks where we got it. While I'm buying my groceries I feel bad so I ditch the guys and walk back by myself and drop the cotton candy on KL's lap even though it's the good yellow stuff. I've probably had enough cotton candy the past few days.
"If it makes you feel any better I spent the whole day alone and I got robbed," she says with tears about to spill over.
"I'm just tired of it," I say.

Her face is in her hands and she's crying. I try to walk away but every step feels like treading water. I feel bad. It is her birthday. Finally, I turn back around to sit next to her and hold her while she cries.

I know I don't have to. A lot of people would say I'm justified in walking away after how she treated me. Part of me feels like she should have to. But, I know I wouldn't be a good friend at all if I left her alone like that. Even if she doesn't deserve my kindness right now a friend is a friend at all times when you really need them. I let her cry it out until Houdini comes and we take her into shelter. I tell her to get some rest. I don't know what I'm going to do about her. I really don't.

At the rate she is going she will die. It's a matter of when not if. Part of me wonders if this is some sort of suicide attempt. I don't know what to do. I'm just another fucked up street kid. What do I know?

In shelter I hang out with Baby Mama for what will most likely be the last time inside shelter. She will be moving into her apartment tomorrow or the next day. We have laundry tonight so while everything is being washed we hang out in the dorm while Gold sits outside the dorm and chats with us. (You cannot enter another dorm unless you are doing a chore. Otherwise it's an automatic BLA). I get the internet to work for the first time in ages. As a result I end up falling asleep watching South Park. (Ironically, I was watching the episode where homeless people take over South Park like Walking Dead. I found this really funny.)

I wake up to staff tapping my laptop, telling me to shut it off since I'm playing it on speakers. This is disappointing. I rarely get natural, calm sleep like I was having. I close the laptop and sit up sleepily. Ginger's Gremlin starts threatening Baby Mama. She touches her swollen belly and says, "Bless you with demons." Baby Mama is a strong person because she doesn't punch Ginger's Gremlin right then and there. She walks out of the room and then Ginger's Girlfriend starts on me saying she will curse me and send demons on me.

I run out to staff because she won't shut up and I'm trying to go to sleep. Staff is really frustrated with all of the bickering in the dorm. Ginger kid himself starts running his mouth threatening us and it starts to get loud before staff screams at the top of his lungs, "Everyone stop it!"

Once the big commotion calms down I can finally go back to sleep but after getting riled up like I did after being asleep it's a lot of tossing and turning before I finally pass out again.

--mm