Day Seventy-Four

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

We slept in a little bit but not much and we leave the house at about 9am. When we get to downtown we spange until #2 opens at 1pm. We do alright in front of McDonalds, at least getting some decent food and ice cream cones to sustain ourselves. Spencer and Tweak eat from our ice cream cones but Spencer chooses to stay hidden in the carrier KL's uncle loaned me.

When we get to #2 I just want to take a shower and change into clean clothes. They are out of pants completely in the clothing closet so one of the staff guys offers me to do street credit to get clothes out of the good closet. Street credit is a system that #2 has to earning privileges, clothing and shoes. #2 is largely sponsored by Nike so that's why you see kids walking around in designer shoes asking for change. I like the street credit system though I'm new to it. I thought I wasn't eligible for it for a long time since I was referred to #1. I want to be left alone for the day though so I happily do chores for the afternoon until I am taken upstairs to where the nice clothes are.

I'm surprised to see the area is huge. A wharehouse had donated a ton of clothes recently and there were boxes and boxes of clothes and shoes that took up the space that could have easily been a two bedroom apartment. I dig through clothes but there's not much in the girl's pants. In the end I get a pair of Nike shoes because my sneakers are falling apart and hurting my feet. It takes almost an hour to find a pair in my size (my feet are so small I can hardly ever find them in stores let alone donated ones in my size).

I can't shower there because it's closed and under staffed so I call Savior Man and see if I can take Spencer home and shower there. He says I can so I head to his place and take a glorious shower. Spencer is sweet again on the bus and it's nice to have it just be me and him for once. It seems like his side is hurting him but I think a lot of his rage is that he never has me to himself. It's hard on both of us.

I call my uncle several times in an attempt to see if he can help me with funds to take Spencer to the vet. He doesn't answer. It's not until the evening that I realize it's my uncle's birthday. I feel about the size of Thumblina for calling him asking for money on his birthday. I am a horrible niece.

At Savior Man's house I take a shower and kiss Spencer good-bye. I don't hang out or talk because I don't particularly want to and Savior Man is playing video games so he probably doesn't want to either. I really just want to be left alone for now. I'm starving so I head back downtown and try to spange to get something to eat since I've missed dinner. As I'm walking to Voodoo Doughnuts I hear Houdini calling for me, "Sister, sister!"

He hugs me and asks where I've been. I tell him I was showering at James' house. He says I look upset and I just say I hate shelter. I hate this life. "Me too," he says, "It's only temporary." It's what we all say. This is all temporary but it doesn't make it any easier. He spots my shoes and says they look good on me. He's happy I finally got a new pair as my other ones were so tattered and hurting my feet. His own shoes are in worse shape than my old ones but this is partially his own fault as he sells his shoes he does get; and partially KL's fault because she sold his favorite pair while he was in jail.

He says KL is at Voodoo so I head there but she's not there. There's not a crowd and no one is feeling generous so I try to see if I can find food elsewhere. It's that time of day where food carts are slow or completely shut down so I ask one of the food carts if I can tell him a joke for some french fries. He says he will give me some if I make him laugh.

"How did the hipster burn his mouth?" I ask.
"How?"
"He drank his coffee before it was cool."

He laughs and makes me some fresh fries. KL rides by on her wheelchair so I yell for her. She and Houdini join me so we hang out until shelter opens. When I head upstairs Douche Man is working again. Director Lady's office is closed and dark so I ask if she's around, "I have a lot of grievances I need to talk to her about."
"Oh, she wants to talk to you too," he says as if I'm in trouble. He clearly underestimates me.

He makes me wait forever and lets ten people go in front of me to get their chores. I end up bickering with him about this. I don't do a chore because I know with how rage-y I'm feeling it's possible I may lose my reservation tonight. In the end though Director Lady and I have a pleasant conversation. I push the limits a little bit by bringing up Douche Man's drug use. I know that's a huge risk to take, calling someone out on drugs but sometimes I can't help but push it a little bit.

Director Lady and I are both trying to drag out the conversation as much as possible because it's a lot cooler in her office as she has a window open. Some creeper van drives by blasting Michael Jackson so we both start dancing to it. Our conversation somehow gets onto jelly beans. To be honest I have no idea why or how but I relish in this. I tell her to ask me anything she's ever wanted to know about jelly beans. She asks me how they are hard and soft at the same time so I explain about how they make the jelly centers then harden them with the spray on the outside. She asks how they get them so small so I tell her about how they sort all the reject beans from the perfected ones but shuffling through all different kinds of trays and machines. She grips the chair she's sitting in and asks, "What do they do with the other beans?"

I tell her about belly flops and how they used to sell them in five pound sacks for $5 but now it's 2 pound sacks for $8. I tell her about my old german sheperd who would toss the beans against the ceiling and walls and chase them around our house. I tell her about going on dates to the factory and gummy alligators and dinosaur eggs. I tell her about growing up with a stepfather who would let me ditch school to go to the factory. I can smell the factory just by these memories and my mouth waters. I really do miss home. I do miss my family.

When we finally have made the conversation last as long as we possibly can I go and hang out with the guy who gave me the charger for my laptop. I'm starting to develop a little crush on him. This isn't a good thing; I've made a commitment not to date until I'm stable. Not only that but he's religious. Not only that but he has the same name as my biological father. Even worse than that I made the mistake of dating someone with the same name as my father while I was homeless once.

This crush isn't going to go anywhere but it's kind of fun to have my first real crush since becoming homeless. At 11pm we both go to bed. I am exhausted and drained beneath everything that has been happening in my life. He has to get to work by 4am. He teases that he is going to wake me up when he has to go in as karma for me keeping him up. He goes and sleeps in his real bed in the better part of shelter. I go and try to sleep on my bunk in the dorm where I toss and turn and wake up several times.

--mm