****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****
I start off the morning by calling friends who have kids. Then I go to #2 and ask if I could use some of the nice donations you have to do street credit for to be used as prizes. The guy says it's okay and to have my case manager call him. I head to the library where I see my pregnant roommate and her boyfriend. I tell her I already have a friend willing to send a package and #2 willing to give prizes and she's impressed. While we wait for the library to open Ginger and his girlfriend give her the stink eye. I'm getting sick of them creating drama. I go onto Facebook and message my old roommate's sister asking for baby supplies. I then send out another more generic message to everyone on my list who has kids.
One of my friends that I grew up with responds and says she'll send a package to me for the pregnant lady. I haven't talked to her in months so I ask her how she is. She says something about cancer but doesn't respond immediately. I'm confused and ask her about the cancer but I can't wait for a response because I have a meeting with Bernard and the lady in charge of case management at lunch.
We meet in her office and Bernard jokes, "You're probably familiar with her floor."
They say that Bernard can be my case manager but that I can't keep asking for stuff for Kitten Lady. I can talk about her but I can't try to get him to do stuff for her. They say I can't switch case management again. If I have problems with Bernard I have to go to #2. I'm okay with this, I think Bernard will be a better fit because he actually knows Kitten Lady and me. He used to be KL's case manager and went to her court dates and everything.
I tell Bernard to speak to the guy at #2 and he says he'll email him. I'm disgruntled; I said call but I'm not going to be nit picky. I head back towards the library where I look up games and instructions on how to make a baby bump cast. I make more to-do lists.
My friend messages me back about the cancer. I tell her to call me and sit outside the library when she does. She has stage four lung cancer. She thought she told me when they found it in December but I guess it fell through the cracks somewhere in my inbox. She says originally they told her she had four weeks to live but she's still hanging in there and it's been nine months. At this point they don't know if she will live or die. I look up the survival rate of lung cancer and it's under 40%.
I don't really know what to say to her. She has a two year old daughter I haven't met. How is it I haven't bothered to talk to her since December? I'm a terrible friend. I promise to crochet her some hats. She lives in north Washington by Canada so too far for me to easily visit. I desperately want to see her. What if she gets bad? What if I don't have time to say goodbye? Or even worse, not have time to get to know her again. We were so close when we were in high school. We were inseparable for a long time.
I sit outside the library for awhile after we hang up. I want to call someone but I don't have anyone to call. Who do most people call when they hear their friend is dying? Their mother or brother or sister but I don't have any of those. I wish I could call my mother. She actually knew Penny. But, obviously she's not one to call in these situations. So in essence there is no one for me to call. No one would know who she was or why it matters anyways.
Houdini walks by and sees me sitting there. I tell him my friend is dying and leaving a kid behind.
"You should take that kid and raise it," he says.
"I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle a kid right now, I can't take care of myself," I say, "Besides the girl's dad and family might have something to say about that."
"You'll have kids someday," he tells me.
"Hell no I wont," I say, "I wouldn't pass my genetics onto anyone. That's cruel and unusual."
"You will. You won't stay single forever M."
"If I'm smart I will."
"Someday some guy will come along and rock your world. You don't want to be single forever."
"Yes I do."
He laughs at me.
I'm having a hard time digesting this whole lung cancer thing so I go and find KL and take the kitten from her and hold her. I tell KL my friend is dying and she says, "Oh man. That sucks." Yes, it does. I go about the day in a sort of fog. I can't stop thinking about my friend, even when I should be working on the baby shower. I just can't. I want to do something but there's nothing for me to do. This is one problem I can't fix.
I gather baby shower supplies and print the lists of what I need from Director Lady. In shelter I shower her with all my hand outs and I can see her getting excited. This baby shower is going to be fun. Add some life in shelter.
--mm
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