****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****
Seeing as I'm so behind on everything right now I'm only going to write the important details for days 110-115.
Before I go into shelter I go to Whole Foods for my internet time. I get bored so I decide to sign into my nine month neglected OkCupid account. I'm just going to poke around and play some of the games/quizzes and delete messages but when I see the account that's emailed me I stop dead.
Are my eyes decieving me or has this guy really messaged me?
Two years ago while I was homeless and living at Nat's I began talking to a particular Mexican guy. We talked everyday for the month I was in California. It was the first time I ever felt so comfortable with someone. I was able to share things with him that my best friend hardly knew. We flirted late into the night with me giggling on my best friend's floor, keeping her awake before she had to go to school the next day.
We liked to joke that he looked like our celebrity crush at the time, ghost hunter Ryan Buell. (Paranormal State is a whole nother story). I would tease him about this, and he equally teased me back saying, "What was that? There's a ghost in my house!" For this reason for the blog we will name him Ryan.
When I came back to Portland I stayed in a hotel room. On a whim he drove from Salem (45 minutes) to my hotel after work. We watched Drillbit Taylor laying on the bed, not even touching. When we started to doze off he asked permission to sleep in his boxers. I laughed at him.
Our shyness didn't last long. One minute we went from talking, to touching, to clothes ripping off in the dark. I had never done anything like that with anyone before but I felt completely safe with him. I have issues with having my neck touched; I hate it. I don't think I ever had to tell him, he just somehow knew not to touch my neck.
We didn't sleep together that night, we did everything but. In the heat of the moment I pulled back and said no and he respected me. Two nights later we were both too sexually frustrated to stand it. He drove to my place (I had found one by then) from 45 minutes away and we finished the job.
This happened a few times. He was the only one with a car but he made the drive every time. When we couldn't see each other we sent each other cutesy stuff. He used to work at Starbucks so everytime I got a coffee I sent a picture of the scribbled code to him for him to guess what drink I got. He sent me an audio bite of him and his two year old meowing at each other.
I got clingy and needy. I was a fucking mess and then some. I wouldn't have been able to handle myself if I were him. He stopped calling and we never spoke again.
Until, now. He's messaging me again.
I squeal and call Nat right away and tell her. She starts laughing but tells me I should blow him off the way he blew me off. I tell her I don't want to do that. I understand and I'm not going to hold a grudge. She tells me he's probably just using me. He admitted he is on the rebound from a two year relationship. I say I don't care. I'm still kind of on the rebound too, but that's another story.
I'm not looking for happily ever after here. I'm looking for some fun sexcapades. We had such an immediate attraction to each other. I don't see why not to have fun with it again. I'm really excited. We talk until I go into shelter.
When I come into shelter one of the boys pulls me aside. He tells me they filled the one remaining bedroom I was trying to get into. The one there was no hurry to fill until I got a job. I'm livid. I ask Bitch Lady to confirm this is true. She says it is.
"That's fucked up," is all I say before turning to take a shower.
Angry Black Lady pulls me aside and tries to talk to me about this whole conundrum but I don't want to talk. I can't take anymore. I ignore her and go into the shower stall. I start the water and jump in, thinking shit there's no way. There is no way I can go to school and work and live in shelter. Not with the bullying and harassment I can't stand.
I can't take anymore. I just can't. I want my life back. I am so close but it's all going to slip through my fingers if I don't get out of this hell hole. I kick the wall in the shower. I underestimate my kick and my foot goes straight through the wall. I should be worried about a BLA but I just start laughing. Staff didn't see it so they can't do anything. And if they argue they can, all I have to do is say "why were you watching me in the shower because if you didn't see it with your own two eyes you can't give me a BLA."
I find this almost too funny. It's nice that for once the bullshit they pull on me will backfire in their face. I finish my shower and dry off. I put on pajamas and start towards my dorm. I think I'm just going to go to bed and sleep off this frustration but Angry Black Lady pulls me aside and tries to talk to me again. I DON'T want to talk but I oblige.
Bitch Lady sees this and comes up to the two of us sitting at the table and yells at me, "You need to knock it off." I look at Angry Black Lady completely speechless. This is a new low for Bitch Lady; to try and bully me when I'm talking to a completely different staff. Nevermind the fact that I did not want to have this conversation in the first place.
The staff bullying carries on until one in the morning. Director Lady watches all of this until she leaves at eleven but she doesn't intervene on my behalf, even after Angry Black Lady pulls Director Lady aside to talk to her about the way Bitch Lady is acting. I try to go to bed but it continues so I grab my cell phone and call Baby Mama to see if I can go to her place. She says it's okay but the bus to her house stopped ten minutes prior.
I start putting on layers to sleep outside. Angry Black Lady says, "I wish you wouldn't" when I tell her I'm leaving to sleep outside. It's the same thing Upchuck's rich girlfriend said before I left the south. But, I know myself and I know I have to go. I cannot take one more minute in the shelter. I ignore the Ginger Clan who sit openly laughing at me.
My McDonald's buddy sees me walking out with all the blankets and layers and stops me. "What the hell is going on M?" I tell him I'm sleeping outside. I can't take one more moment in shelter. I don't want to be in here. I cannot take anymore. I can't. I'm so far past my breaking point.
"You can't leave," he says, "You can't leave me and Yougio. Who is going to help us pull off everything we take to house meeting? Look at all the stuff we've changed." He pulls down a stapled pamphlet Director Lady put up after our last house meeting per our request. It lists all of the various proposals we passed in our last house meeting. All of which were proposed and thought of with the three of us. They are (mostly) as follows:
*Putting Clorox wipes on the back of the toilet so we can piss without having to sit on piss.
*No movie Wednesday nights so we can use the area as a TV room
*Extended the time we are allowed to purchase food.
There were a number of other things but I don't remember. "Without you we wouldn't have been able to do all this," he says, "You can't leave here. You can't just give up. You can't."
He hugs me and sends me to bed. I toss and turn and hardly sleep; hating every moment I'm in the shelter.
--mm
No comments:
Post a Comment