Day Ninety-Three

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

I'm still exhausted when I wake up. I got plenty of sleep so at this point there isn't even an excuse for it. I go to Whole Foods to sit and watch Netflix until #1 opens up. I watch The Shunning which is a movie about an Amish community. It irritates me to no end that the girls are obviously wearing makeup. Eye liner? Really? You really expect me to fall for Amish girls wearing eyeliner? I guess that's why it's a movie for the Hallmark channel though.

I work nonstop on my blanket for little Baby Cire. I just edited my friend's learn to crochet book so I'm trying out the stitches I didn't know previously. She did a good job on the book because I pick up three or four stitches I didn't know. I'm excited about this. I know it's nerdy but I like learning new tricks on my crochet, especially when I'm able to teach myself. When my friend taught me about crochet she told me the theory behind prayer shawls and afghans. If you're religious you're supposed to pray with every stitch for the person you are giving it to. If you're not religious then it's just a matter of thinking positively for that person or making wishes for them. I'm not religious but with every stitch I can't help but think about this little baby boy and I constantly catch myself thinking, please come out healthy; please come out healthy.

When #1 opens I go to eat breakfast. Someone is going on some political rant that's getting out of control. You get used to off the wall political rants when you're surrounded by street kids. A lot of street kids are actually really smart and believe the government is responsible for our situation. A lot of kids think the government is out to get them. I don't blame them for thinking such things. Sometimes I wonder myself.

His rant is way off the wall though. It makes little sense and it just keeps going and going and going. I end up pulling out my laptop and listening to music while I eat so I can tone him out. It's too much for me right now. After I'm done eating I hunker down in a corner of the common area to watch an episode of The Walking Dead while I work on the blanket. I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open so once I'm done with the episode I head outside and sleep in the courtyard.

I fall asleep hard. I end up dreaming about kayaking and mermaids. Houdini shakes me awake at 5:30 so I can eat before they close up dinner. There is drool on my backpack I was using as a pillow. Houdini flattens down some of my hair that's sticking up. I don't want to be awake; I want to sleep. I force my legs to move so I can drag myself to dinner. Dinner is a pleasant surprise; corn dogs and mac and cheese. I eat three corn dogs. I would never eat corn dogs before I was homeless but now they're a treat because they are not noodles.

After I eat I go down to the clinic so I can see my doctor lady. I need to know about some blood test results and I need to update her on my migraines as well as attempt to get a wrist brace. I see Kitten Lady down there which makes me hopeful; it's about time she saw the doctor. I sit next to her and hold Tweak. She says she thinks Tweak has a bladder infection because she's peeing nonstop. She cut off her cast herself. She's been keeping some food down but she still throws up sometimes. Houdini is selling dope so they're doing better in a lot of ways. In my opinion they're doing worse in a lot of ways too when he sells.

I'm called back. The doctor checks my ear and says it looks like it might be getting infected now. She says I was right to lower my Cymbalta dose on my own and she'll try to find me a brace for my carpal tunnel. Before I leave I ask to talk to her about Kitten Lady, who ended up skipping out on her appointment yet again. I tell her I think KL may be trying to kill herself, maybe not outright but in her own way.

"I know," Doctor Lady says, "A lot of people are aware but we can't do anything. We're all worried."
"But, what if she's the next one to show up dead in a Nordstorm's bathroom?" I ask, "She will be at this rate won't she?"
Doctor Lady sighs, "Yes, we're aware."
"What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Just keep being her friend. Try to get her to go to drug addiction groups. Try to get her to come in here. Remind her there are services livable for her."
"You and I both know she's not going to do any of those things."
Doctor Lady nods, "The only one who can force her to do anything is her probation officer. The only other thing you can do is get her arrested."
"You know that's not going to happen," I say, but secretly I've been wondering the same thing.

What if that's the only way to save her life? Am I willing to contact her probation officer and ask her for help to save KL's life? She would never talk to me again but it'd be worth it if it saved her life. At the same time I don't trust the courts. They wouldn't help her, they'd just throw her in jail and be done with her. That'd only ruin her life more. She doesn't need jail or legal trouble. She needs help and treatment. I'm not willing to put her through the legal system. It wouldn't do anything but prolong things and make her hate me. Then I really couldn't help her.

I head toward shelter once I'm done with the doctor. It's after eight in the evening by this point. I go to McDonalds and go online. I see Kl and Houdini so I sit with them. I show KL my mug shot and she starts laughing. I buy a diet Dr. Pepper and fill a small water cup with it. Then I hand her the rest of the soda. We talk until it's time for her to go into shelter but not about anything important. Not about all the things I should say but I don't want to. When she goes up I ask Houdini for a cigarette. He doesn't want to give me one so KL hands me hers, "They don't let me take smoke breaks anymore," she tells me. I tell her I want to talk to her in the morning so she says she'll wait for me. I light up the cigarette and walk away to smoke by myself.

I still feel like I'm attatched to four different horses running in all different directions. Now I have my case manager telling me to cut KL off to save myself and Doctor Lady begging me to stay her friend and try to help her. I have a friend with a baby who might die in her stomach, another friend dying of lung cancer, and yet another on some sort of crazy suicide mission. My parents are both psychopaths and my uncle has completely disappeared in a bipolar frenzy. I am on my own and I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to sort all of this out. I don't know what people want from me. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

In shelter we watch Back to the Future. Growing up all of my cousins would come over to my aunt and uncle's house where I lived and we'd lay on blankets and pillows on the living room floor and watch the whole series. It was a big part of my childhood and something worth staying up for even though I'm dead on my feet.

Yougio helps me wrap up my wrist because the clinic didn't have any braces that fit me. I tell him about my dream about mermaids and kayaking. He asks if the water was murky in my dream. I think and tell him that it was. "Water represents emotion," he tells me, "And mermaids are a feminine beauty. Your dream might of meant that your feminine emotions are cloudy and confusing."
"That makes sense," I say.
"Did you have to pee?" another guy asks.
"Yeah, I really had to pee when I woke up."
"It could have meant you had to pee," the guy says.
"Yeah that too." Yougio says and I start laughing.

Houdini is so high he spends the movie trying to put his dread lock in my ear. I tell him to go to bed but he stays nodding out to the movie. The movie makes me happy. Michael J Fox was so pretty. Yougio and I fawn over him. After it's all over I go right to bed. I keep my wrist bandaged in bed as my doctors told me it was the most crucial time to keep it stabilized to prevent you from moving it in funny ways in your sleep.

I toss and turn for almost an hour unable to fall asleep, though there is absolutely no reason for me to feel so restless besides the fact that I have three lives attached to mine that are hanging on by a thread. And I know there is nothing I can do to save a single one of them.

--mm