Day Ninety-Seven

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

Someone slams their locker shut and wakes me up at 7:30 in the morning. Great. I roll out of bed and to the shower. I'm not supposed to brush my teeth yet but I'm nasty so I do it anyways. I do my hair and make up, taking my time while everyone else is still asleep. I put on my new skirt which I try to cover up in the back since the zipper is broken. I wear gray leggings and  a white floral top with white flip flops. I don't look half bad.

I go to #1 for a pathetic breakfast of sticky, un-delicious oatmeal. My jaw still hurts though not nearly as bad as the last time I got a tooth pulled. I'm tired so I go outside of the day program for a nap. The case manager's boss comes out ten minutes later saying, "The neighbors have been complaining about people napping out here."

I can't believe the businesses are really going to complain about us sleeping out here. It's not by where any of their customers. Don't they have other things to complain about besides poor little homeless kids trying to catch a nap? They don't have any offices open either. She says I can take fifteen more minutes to rest then leaves.

Bernard comes out five minutes later and crouches down next to me, "Why are you so tired M?"
"I don't know," I mumble with my eyes closed.
"Are you not sleeping in shelter?"
"I am a little bit."
"Have they checked your thyroid?"
"Yes." I mumble.
"Have you gotten the results back?"
"No." This is a lie; the results came back normal. I just want to buy me time of not knowing what's wrong.
"M, you know depression makes you tired. I know you say you're not depressed but you're homeless in downtown Portland. It's okay to be depressed." He claps me on the shoulder and tells me that we'll talk about this all later. I groan, so much for rest.

Let's see what I have on my plate right now. I have one friend too far away to see that has lung cancer and I'm watching another friend kill herself. A third friend is pregnant but with a high risk of still birth. My parents are both psychopaths, though that's nothing new. My uncle is bipolar and has disappeared on me when I need him. I don't know how to relate to my friends anymore because I'm afraid of being pitied. My clothes don't fit at all anymore, well the ones I have left since KL lost most of them. My cat has an addiction to cat nip thanks to his abandonment issues from me having to be separated from him.

So, no Bernard, I don't think I have much to be depressed about right now. Nothing at all.

The thing is I'm not even really depressed. I'm just frustrated by my inability to do anything about any of the above situations. I always say if you don't like something in your life change it. I can't do anything to change any of those problems, besides maybe get my cat some drug counseling but I can't really afford that right now.

I groan and pull myself up. It's supposed to be in the eighties today but it's cold out. I drag myself to the education and employment center to get the last of my paperwork done for JRT. I have to have a tutor "help" me fill it out which is ridiculous because I don't need them to tell me what I should do with my life; I know what I want to do. The tutor tries to get me interested in marketing research. Are you crazy? I finish the paperwork and hand it in to the head of the program.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to feel about this whole JRT program thing. It opens doors to get jobs but subjects on the list to be discussed are things like hygiene and timeliness. Sorry, I already know I need to shower and show up for work to get a job. Ughn.

I go to the library where I hide out until five. I go to #1 for the dinner slot but they don't have anything I can eat with my missing tooth fiasco. (Dinner was of course lasagna).  I ask Gauges Guy to open my locker as he's about to walk out for the day. He comes back and opens it for me then gets asked by another guy to open his locker. "Psst, M," Beard Man hisses, "Ask him to open your locker again." So I do. "No! Absolutely not," GG says and exits the day program. Beard Man and I laugh.
"Can I go sleep in your office?" Beard Man asks me.
I stick my tongue out at him, "Sure it's outside."

I decide to go to Street Church even though I don't like it so I can raid their clothing closet. I find a really nice hoodie and a couple of shirts. Then I go to Whole Foods where I hide out until it's time for shelter. When I get to shelter Kitten Lady is outside sorting through her bag. I say hi to her and Houdini but she doesn't respond. I walk away but I'm called back and she asks why I haven't been talking to her. I say I said hi but she didn't say anything.
She starts talking but I cut her off. "There's rumors that you lost Tweak. Is that true?"
"Yeah, people said you took her."
I roll my eyes, "Yeah, I totally would do that when I can't even take care of myself right now."
I can't believe she lost the cat again. That's the third time this week alone. I don't even know what to say or do. If we do find Tweak this time I need to find a way to convince KL to at least put her in foster care. I really do care about that kitten but this isn't working in her best interest.  KL complains she doesn't have a notebook to write. I say I'll send her one down.

 In shelter I attempt to have a drama free night by eating a bowl of ice cream and chilling in the dorm. I write KL a note in the notebook saying I'm worried about her and I don't know what to do. I am clueless. I really am. I give it to the hippie lady to take down to her then go to bed to try and sleep.

--mm