Day One Hundred and Eleven

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

I'm completely and totally drained. There is nothing left in me at all anymore. I don't even want to fight or argue. I'm just done. Months of harassment and bullying have just taken everything out of me. There is nothing left to me. No bark. No bite. I just want to sleep.

I go to the library to hide but hiding doesn't happen. A particular girl in shelter texts me to ask where I am. I haven't mentioned her before (that I can remember) though she's been here since before me. She is kind of mousey and often acts like a little kid. For a long time I avoided her for these reasons. She was too naive, too just fragile. She is a Twilight fan. I didn't want to associate with her and her boyfriend.

Since the baby shower this has changed. She and her boyfriend single handily won every game I threw at them. They were sweet and involved, wished Baby Mama luck. Slowly, I began to get to know them for more than their outward appearances.

Still, I'm not up for company. I look like complete and total shit; frazzled hair, bags under my eyes; I can't remember if I've bothered to shower in the past two days. (Oh yeah, I did. I kicked a hole in the wall.) I'm not one to blow people off like that though. I admit I'm in the library.

She and her boyfriend come upstairs and find me. No bullshit, just straight, "You have your ID on you?"
"Are we going to get trashed?"
"Yes."
"Hallelujah."

We go to the liquor store. None of us look 21. When we get to the register we slam down our ID's at the same time. The clerk laughs at us and says, "I feel like a pedophile."

We take our raspberry vodka up to a park outside of downtown. We buy Gateroaide on the way and drink down the bottles so we can mix some vodka in. They brought their dog with them. She's a toy Pomeranian but to me she looks like a rat. She's quiet. Spencer would eat her in two bites.

I make a decision while we're drinking. I decide I'm going to use my aunt's check to get a hotel room. We walk back to the day program and I pick up the check then deposit it. I call the hotel I stayed at with Jesus and bargain for a room for the weekend. I pick up Spencer then we go to the hotel room.

My bank put a hold on the check so my card declines. They loan me the $200 and I swear I'll pay them back. We drink some but end up passing out. Shelter has exhausted all of us. We are too excited to be sleeping on real beds.

I try to go without my sleeping pill since I drank booze but after my third time waking from nightmares I get up and take it so I can finally enjoy sleeping on a real bed.

--mm