Day Ninety-Two

   ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS****

In the morning staff forgets to wake me up until two minutes before nine. Seeing as I was wrestling nightmares in my sleep this does not help me get up on the right side of the bed. My stuff is scattered everywhere because Bitch Lady had told me she would help me unpack in the morning, but obviously she had no intentions of doing so since she couldn't even remember to wake me up.

I have to race out because they say they are going to take my reservation if I'm not out in four minutes. I don't think this is fair since they are the ones who forgot to wake me up and I can't set another alarm for back up. I don't have time to sort out my stuff or change my clothes or brush my teeth. I can't even grab a hooded sweatshirt. It stresses me out so much I want to either start screaming or crying. I know it sounds small but it really does get you riled up when you wake up from a nightmare to only having four minutes to prepare yourself for a twelve hour day.

After I get downstairs my arms immediately get goosebumps from the cold air. I ask to come up for just a second to grab a hoodie but they won't let me so I end up screaming, "Fuck you," before I walk away. I don't know what to do. I honestly feel like I'm going to fall apart. I don't know why I'm so stressed and overwhelmed but I honestly feel this is so much more than I can handle.

I try and go by #2 to see if I can get them to call Director Lady for me so I can bitch about the way staff handled my morning and to ensure that I didn't lose my reservation for being late or cussing them out. No one is at #2 yet though so I go to Whole Foods. When it's closer to opening time I go back and find the director. He lets me in and leaves Director Lady a voice mail for me. He gives me a hooded sweatshirt and tells me to try not to stress. I can't help it though, I'm stressed at fuck.

I spend the day hiding out on my laptop in the library. Someone comes by and pokes me in the rib. I look over and there's Dreadlocks. Before either of us can even say anything we're both in fits of laughter. I keep putting my finger to my lips and saying sh because there are other shelter kids sitting by me but we can't help it. "What the hell did you do?" he asks me.

I tell him my story of how and why I got arrested the same night he did. I ask if he went in because of Drama Girl again and he says yes but they dropped the charges. It was Drama Girl that hit him, he just went in because he's black. I love my city; I love our liberalism but it's not completely progressive. We have a lot of "liberal racism". I always thought that was a myth but now I know it's true. I've seen Houdini and Dreadlocks feel the brunt of so many things they didn't actually do. I mean, they can both be fucktards but a lot of the time they go down for things that didn't really happen just because they're black boys.

I go back to #2 to see what they're serving for dinner and to ask if there has been any word from Director Lady. Dinner is chicken that's not fully cooked and there hasn't been word from Director Lady. I don't want to risk food poisoning so I go back to Whole Foods to buy something to eat there. I've been trying to sneak more protein in my diet since the majority of what we are fed are carbs so I heat up some chicken strips they have on sale. It's not fantastic but it's protein.

I hide until it's time to go to shelter. When I get upstairs I work on unpacking and organizing everything from my move. Bridge Lady keeps coming in and pestering me about doing laundry or how long it's going to take me to get everything picked up. It's really starting to aggravate me. I can't stand people hovering over me like that and it's not my fault she forgot to wake me up so I could put things away in the morning. I'm really close to losing my temper with her but I bit my lip and listen to music on my laptop. I cannot afford to flip out on anyone right now. I'm too stressed out already.

In the main area Houdini asks me to give him my dessert. He hugs me and laughs about my arrest. He's the only one who gets away with hugging me. I don't even really hug Kitten Lady or Baby Mama. But, Houdini really is like a brother to me so somehow he gets away with hugging me before bed when we're both in shelter.

As soon as everything is put away I go to sleep. I need my beauty sleep. You know how in medieval times they executed people by tying each limb to a different horse and making all the horses run off in different directions? That's how I feel right now. I'm being torn every which way and I don't know which way to go, not that I have too much control over which direction I go anyways.

--mm