Shame

Firstly, I would like to say I'm really proud of America this election. I couldn't be happier with how things turned out (except maybe if Measure 80 had passed) and I'm proud that people were not only standing up for women's rights this election but also the rights of the LBGTQ community and supporting candidates that are part of that community. I'm happy with the direction our country is going.

Earlier today someone I considered a friend messaged me on Facebook and told me I should be ashamed of myself with being in transitional housing like I am. She tried to taunt me by saying, "How many days have you been homeless now?" Apparently being in housing is the same as being in a shelter.

When I told her that she should respect where I'm at in life or stop messaging me she told me I was self-absorbed and blocked me off Facebook. I was already intending on blocking her. I don't need people who think that way in my life and I reject the idea that I should feel shame for where I've been.

As far as being "self absorbed" I think this friend was merely projecting her own attitudes onto me. However, at the same time I don't care about much else than taking care of myself right now. Trying to be there for people hasn't gotten me anywhere and I find that most people don't return the favor. I'm there for people when I can be but right now my priority is me.

When it comes to being ashamed of where I live there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent this. It could have happened to anyone. Most people my age are still living off their parents. I have friends in their 30's that still in some ways depend on their parents in some ways. If these kids that are my age aren't living with their parents they are being housed in college dorms.

I don't have parents. I don't have family. At the end of the day all I have is myself. I think it's reasonable to admit that at 21 I can't do it all on my own. I've been on my own since I was 16. I did okay but I couldn't manage it and being sick.

After the whole mug shot incident I sat down with our adviser of the newspaper. She told me, "Well, you know how journalists are. They don't mean anything by it. You've had a really hard year but it's over now. You're moving forward. You're back [in school]. You're working. It doesn't matter."

Savior Man told me shortly before I got into housing, "Some people spend years being homeless; you did it in one summer. That's something good."

There are kids who have been in shelter for years. There are kids that will never get out. There are adults that have been on the streets since they were younger than me. Once while bullshitting with Gauges Guys at the day program he said, "Where do you think all the homeless people on Burnside came from? They were all here ten years ago."

It's sad but true. But, I am not one of those people. I have exceeded the expectations I set for myself. I'm in school. I'm working. I have a place to live. I'm not in a shelter. I'm proud of myself. I may not be proud of every decision I've made. I may not be proud of what it took to get here but I am proud of what I'm doing with this. I am proud of where I'm going. It's not about what I've been through. It's about where I'm going and what I'm doing until I get there.

--mm