Day Seven and Limbo

****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

A friend asked me today if I feel like I am in limbo. It is not that feeling at all. It's almost like everything that's happened in the past four or five months before I came to shelter were limbo. Going from place to place trying to prolong the inevitable is limbo. Not knowing when time is going to run out at a place because people are crazy is limbo. This is not limbo. The best word I can think of for it is security.

It seems weird that sleeping in a shelter and spending the day walking from place to place would be considered secure but it's the only way I can think of to describe it. Before this I was dependent on other unstable people to keep myself stable. My life was determined by the mood those I was living with had. For example, my last roommate had bizarre mood swings and consistently made negative comments about me to nitpick at my character flaws. I think the reason she became a psychologist was because she has to tell people their faults to make herself feel better.

One day she flipped out on me one day to the point where she was yelling and screaming and slamming furniture so loudly I had to sneak out of the house because I felt unsafe. I didn't feel safe in my own home as I was consistently walking on egg shells wondering when her next mood swing would come. Then staying with my father everything depended on his bipolar or how much alcohol he drank. I was in a constant state of feeling unsafe.

Here, I feel safe. I know exactly what is expected of me and as long as I meet those expectations I know where I will be sleeping each night. It's not like the expectations are set high either. I just can't do drugs, beat people up or have sex in shelter. That's not hard seeing as I have no desire to do those things anyways. At this point I know each staff members' quirks well enough that I can adjust myself accordingly. 

I know I will have meals and I know at what time they will be served. Whether or not those meals will be edible is another thing but even then I have food stamps. And I always know I will have oatmeal available every morning. (I personally could live off of oatmeal alone). I know where to go to have my needs met. I know where I can take a nap safely. If I have a problem I have multiple people I can talk to.

On top of all that I am never alone. I used to be a hermit who could not function without time to myself. Now, I just got back to the group after spending an hour on the computer at Safeway by myself. Even though I was chatting with my friends online (who I miss VERY, VERY MUCH) I felt awkward being alone. It wasn't necessarily loneliness or feeling unsafe. It was as if I was out of balance. I found myself looking over my shoulder more. In the end I left sooner than planned because I just felt more comfortable with the street kids two blocks away. I used to freak out if I didn't have time to myself. I still enjoy having time to be in my own head but only when there is someone else nearby. I squeeze quiet time in while Jesus has band practice or during library hours so I can have someone close to me but not necessarily talking to me. 

I think part of this may be that since Spencer is currently being fostered and I'm having to make do without him. I think I've replaced my companion animal with street kids. I have no idea what that says about me except I have serious issues.

I think now would be a good time to address the amount of time I spend with Jesus. Many people assume we are dating. We are asked multiple times a day if we are together or how long we've been together. We are not. It just so happens that there are few street kids that don't have addictions to drugs or spend their time getting wasted. Jesus and I connect because we don't want to get trashed to kill time. We like to go to play places instead.

I have no interest in dating anyone. I learned from past experience on this one. The first time I was homeless a boy decided to take care of me. Let's just say this didn't end well for either of us. It ended with me staying in the relationship due to obligation rather than desire. This was not a good experience for either of us in the end. So Jesus and I are just friends.

The good news for today is that it was highly productive. Jesus found out he was put in general services for dicking around which means he gets meals and shelter but little else. This set a fire under his butt so he went and talked to Mother Goose. He was in there for awhile and I don't know all the details but I do know she's going to set him up with counseling. This makes me seriously happy. This is good news. 

It's weird that we will have the same counselor as that is usually a breach of privacy to know who someone is seeing for counseling. However, there is only one counselor for street kids. I think it will actually be kind of nice having someone else seeing the same counselor as me. Gives me someone to talk about therapy with lol.  

Also, I met with the housing coordinator person to find out how to apply for transitional housing. I filled out the application so now all I need to do is have a physical and drug and alcohol abuse assessment before I can get through the screening and interview for housing. I should more than qualify for their services so this is a really solid step in the right direction. It will still take some time and maybe a little while on the wait-list but I am confident that everything is going to work out.

Besides that Drama Girl had to go to court for her daughter which she said went well minus Dreadlocks not showing up. She will get her daughter back when she has her own apartment. She will still have to report to DHS but she'll at least have her daughter. The foster mom gave her pictures of the baby. She has Dreadlock's nose and a cute ass smile. Drama Girl once again asked for dating advice and whether or not he has ever flirted with me. All I can keep telling her is that he and I say goodnight and good morning and that is it. Of course, nothing will ease her paranoia so I just hope her anger stays on him and not me.

Emo Kid got a new girlfriend already (he was single less than 12 hours). Apparently I'm not the only one who is having trouble being alone.

The only other news is Portland broke the Morrison Bridge again. I spent 35 minutes on the max to go nowhere today. What city breaks a bridge? Only in Portland....

--mm