God, I have a lot to fill you in on. I'm in between classes and really should be working on homework as I'm almost a full term behind in most of my classes but I just can't even think straight so I'm going to dump everything in a blog post before I head to class.
Last night Gru and I signed a lease on a beautiful two bedroom townhouse. It has a nice patio and huge living space. I'm thrilled we got it. The hotel we've been staying in is a nightmare. It had fleas and a few nights ago it started leaking quite dramatically at 4am. (We had to run buckets back and forth so it wouldn't flood.) We don't have any furniture or beds yet but it's a vast improvement from what we were dealing with. And we don't have to worry about homeless kid drama or the staff.
I'm worried that we won't be able to find jobs soon enough to make ends meet. We can carry ourselves for awhile with FASFA but there's not as much wiggle room as I would like. Bernard is going to help me get my theft charge off of my record so that I will have better chances finding a job.
This morning he helped me move my belongings into the new place. He picked up my stuff from the housing program then picked me up with the rest of my shit and drove me to the apartment. He was happy with the place I picked out and just plain thrilled I'm out of housing. He is furious with what has been done to me since I went to the other case manager. He's not allowed to say so but a few days ago he accidentally slipped and said he was upset and this whole thing was complete and total bullshit.
After we dropped my stuff off he drove me to school. He told me he used to be a cop which was surprising at first but made sense after I thought about it. He just asked, "How do you think I knew so much about your legal stuff?" I shrugged. I guess I figured that was part of the job description for working with homeless kids. He was a cop for ten years before getting into social work. He told me to keep that information quiet, that he doesn't tell many people that. My guess is because homeless kids rather hate police.
No matter how hard I try I find it impossible to imagine the lives of the people who work at the homeless organizations outside of their job. This is unusual for me because I'm that person who imagines lives for people I've never met but anytime I try to imagine anyone from our organizations I just come up blank. The extent of my ability is only when we see doppelgangers. Which means now I can imagine Director Lady as a bartender but nothing else.
It's hard to imagine Bernard as a cop. Mostly because he's not an asshole. I googled him out of curiosity trying to figure out why he stopped being a cop. Found other random stuff instead. It's weird to think of people having lives outside of homeless kids.
He asked about the mother figure today. I've been talking to her because of Megan dying. She actually really liked Megan. I asked if I could still use the address of the program to have my mother send packages because I don't want her to have my address. He said he would take care of any packages that came for me.
He asked about Megan and I told him it was just like her to not tell everyone so they wouldn't worry. I told him how weird it was to talk to the old crew again. My first boyfriend is now divorced. To me that's the weirdest thing. (Although to find out his ex-wife cheated on him is actually almost funny if you knew her.)I feel so old.
I should be estatic and relieved that I found a place. In reality though everything is overshadowed by the loss of my friend. I feel like I have a knot in my stomach all day everyday. I have to remember to eat. I don't think I've even grasped the fact that she has cancer yet--let alone the fact that she's dead. I just can't believe it. I've seen a lot of death in my life but this one is just so awful. I'm really struggling with this.
--mm
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Technology Eclipse
DISCLAIMER: I don't expect anyone to read the entirety of this post. I'm really just purging right now. For the shortened version here are the bullet points:
*I've been having a lot of problems with technology lately, hence the lack of posts.
*I'm living in a hotel room that has fleas, waiting to hear back on apartments.
*I'm having case manager issues.
*A dear, dear, dear friend of mine just died of lung cancer.
*I'm really having a hard time right now.
Sorry I have fallen off the face of the earth. My laptop blew up (literally. My roommate made it explode) and we've been having a difficult time with the internet. There's also just been a lot going on. It's really quite overwhelming. I don't even know what to say or what format to write this in. I'm just staring at the computer listening to Missy Higgins and waiting for the words to magically appear on their own.
I guess we can start with Christmas. For Christmas it was just Gru and me. Everyone else went to stay with their significant others and friends. We exchanged presents. I got him porn and he got me a zippo lighter that is secretly a pipe. We had seen it together at the porn shop by shelter and he had me picked out but under the assumption that it was for him. Gru and I ended up encouraging everyone who was in housing for the day to join us in our dorm. We built a blanket fort and played cards until staff shut us down.
Gru confessed after a night of dancing that staff consistently ask him what his "intentions" are with me. He asked if staff ever ask me similar questions and I said no. He confessed that being asked this had made him question what his intentions were exactly and found that he does want more from the relationship. I had never even considered it. He is my friend's ex and we are roommates, those are two rules I have always been set upon.
The next day I met his dad. His dad is a truck driver and got a route to Portland with just enough time to visit. We insisted upon taking him on a quick tour of Portland. We forced him to walk, jaywalk, eat at food carts, befriend homeless people, and get a cock-n-balls from Voodoo doughnuts. I liked him. He reminded me of my best friend's dad. He insisted on taking pictures of me for his wife and when he talked to her on the phone he said, "She's liiiiitle". Pfft. Before he left he hugged me three times. It occurred to me then that Gru and I have never hugged once. I really hate hugs. A few nights ago he told Gru on the phone that he thinks I'm his future daughter-in-law. Oy.
Fast forward to last weekish and that's where the real drama begins. Zelda informed me that housing is indeed kicking me out and I had nine days to find a place. I can't say I was surprised. I was surprised that I've been left hanging without a case manager or any support for almost three months. And that they would do the kicking out in a way that provided me no options. My case manager has been MIA for the last month (not just for me, for everybody) and no one was going to step up until I went to Zelda and demanded to know what the hell is going.
She said she and Bernard were going to work on finding me a place but no one can find a place in nine days. When I told Gru what was going on he would not speak. Not a word. Lips tight, staring, no reaction. If I didn't know him as well as I do it would have been unnerving. But this is something Gru and I share. We aren't much of talkers when there's little to say.
We ended up gambling all night. I had science labs that desperately needed to be done but we went to safeway and bought scratch tickets until we just couldn't buy them anymore. We would buy the tickets at Safeway, scratch them there, then walk to Plaid Pantry to cash them out so we could walk to Safeway to buy more scratch tickets. And so the cycle continued for three hours.
While we were chain smoking and scratching tickets Gru made a proposal (well, he made several but one in particular is on my mind). Now, my plan for this inevitability was to get institutionalized, kill myself, or go to jail. I honestly don't know what else to do.
Gru proposed we get an apartment together.
My knee-jerk reaction was absolutely not. Then I thought about it more carefully. Getting an apartment together is a viable option. The money from school could potentially carry us until we could find jobs or get jobs from the temp agencies in the area. We also have our food stamps and food banks in the area. I'd be able to have Spencer again which would help me quite a bit. We'd be away from drama, homeless kids, and all of that nonsense.
So we've spent the last week and a half searching for a place. We've put in two applications and are waiting to hear back from them. One in particular we are aiming for that's 920sqft townhouse and $670. We don't know what's going to happen though.
Right now we are living in a cheap motel for $200 a week. Zelda turned on me a week or so ago. I caught her in a lie. I no longer talk with her at all. I'm angry with Bernard too, for other reasons, but I think I'll get over those real fast. The truth is I do still need him despite me saying I don't.
Today, I learned that my friend lost her battle with lung cancer. She was only 22 years old and leaves behind a 2 year old daughter. I'm completely heart broken. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff I hadn't talked to her for awhile. I didn't get to say goodbye. I really thought she'd win out over the cancer. I really thought we'd have more time, that I could get my shit together and then be there for her. I hate myself for thinking that way.
I've connected with our old friends from high school. One of them told me that she had talked to her boyfriend and he informed her that Penny had been lying about her health. When I had talked to her last she said they were trying new treatments and they were working. I thought they'd buy me enough time to go visit her. The truth is that they weren't working at all. She was lying to all of us because she didn't want people to be sad.
I'm heartbroken and furious with myself that I didn't take more time to put my issues aside to spend time with her. She was very important to me. I'm going to miss her so much.
I'm going through a lot on top of that. Things with housing really broke me. As ridiculous as that sounds. But walking into a place everyday and being told everyone there hates you, is really hard. I can't even stand to go by the building anymore. I don't trust Bernard, or anyone there, at all anymore which makes things even harder because I need to be able to trust Bernard.
I'm really, really depressed. I'm barely holding on anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me if we don't get this apartment. I'm devastated by the loss of my friend. I'm really struggling. I really don't know what to do.
Please, just keep me in your thoughts.
--mm
*I've been having a lot of problems with technology lately, hence the lack of posts.
*I'm living in a hotel room that has fleas, waiting to hear back on apartments.
*I'm having case manager issues.
*A dear, dear, dear friend of mine just died of lung cancer.
*I'm really having a hard time right now.
Sorry I have fallen off the face of the earth. My laptop blew up (literally. My roommate made it explode) and we've been having a difficult time with the internet. There's also just been a lot going on. It's really quite overwhelming. I don't even know what to say or what format to write this in. I'm just staring at the computer listening to Missy Higgins and waiting for the words to magically appear on their own.
I guess we can start with Christmas. For Christmas it was just Gru and me. Everyone else went to stay with their significant others and friends. We exchanged presents. I got him porn and he got me a zippo lighter that is secretly a pipe. We had seen it together at the porn shop by shelter and he had me picked out but under the assumption that it was for him. Gru and I ended up encouraging everyone who was in housing for the day to join us in our dorm. We built a blanket fort and played cards until staff shut us down.
Gru confessed after a night of dancing that staff consistently ask him what his "intentions" are with me. He asked if staff ever ask me similar questions and I said no. He confessed that being asked this had made him question what his intentions were exactly and found that he does want more from the relationship. I had never even considered it. He is my friend's ex and we are roommates, those are two rules I have always been set upon.
The next day I met his dad. His dad is a truck driver and got a route to Portland with just enough time to visit. We insisted upon taking him on a quick tour of Portland. We forced him to walk, jaywalk, eat at food carts, befriend homeless people, and get a cock-n-balls from Voodoo doughnuts. I liked him. He reminded me of my best friend's dad. He insisted on taking pictures of me for his wife and when he talked to her on the phone he said, "She's liiiiitle". Pfft. Before he left he hugged me three times. It occurred to me then that Gru and I have never hugged once. I really hate hugs. A few nights ago he told Gru on the phone that he thinks I'm his future daughter-in-law. Oy.
Fast forward to last weekish and that's where the real drama begins. Zelda informed me that housing is indeed kicking me out and I had nine days to find a place. I can't say I was surprised. I was surprised that I've been left hanging without a case manager or any support for almost three months. And that they would do the kicking out in a way that provided me no options. My case manager has been MIA for the last month (not just for me, for everybody) and no one was going to step up until I went to Zelda and demanded to know what the hell is going.
She said she and Bernard were going to work on finding me a place but no one can find a place in nine days. When I told Gru what was going on he would not speak. Not a word. Lips tight, staring, no reaction. If I didn't know him as well as I do it would have been unnerving. But this is something Gru and I share. We aren't much of talkers when there's little to say.
We ended up gambling all night. I had science labs that desperately needed to be done but we went to safeway and bought scratch tickets until we just couldn't buy them anymore. We would buy the tickets at Safeway, scratch them there, then walk to Plaid Pantry to cash them out so we could walk to Safeway to buy more scratch tickets. And so the cycle continued for three hours.
While we were chain smoking and scratching tickets Gru made a proposal (well, he made several but one in particular is on my mind). Now, my plan for this inevitability was to get institutionalized, kill myself, or go to jail. I honestly don't know what else to do.
Gru proposed we get an apartment together.
My knee-jerk reaction was absolutely not. Then I thought about it more carefully. Getting an apartment together is a viable option. The money from school could potentially carry us until we could find jobs or get jobs from the temp agencies in the area. We also have our food stamps and food banks in the area. I'd be able to have Spencer again which would help me quite a bit. We'd be away from drama, homeless kids, and all of that nonsense.
So we've spent the last week and a half searching for a place. We've put in two applications and are waiting to hear back from them. One in particular we are aiming for that's 920sqft townhouse and $670. We don't know what's going to happen though.
Right now we are living in a cheap motel for $200 a week. Zelda turned on me a week or so ago. I caught her in a lie. I no longer talk with her at all. I'm angry with Bernard too, for other reasons, but I think I'll get over those real fast. The truth is I do still need him despite me saying I don't.
Today, I learned that my friend lost her battle with lung cancer. She was only 22 years old and leaves behind a 2 year old daughter. I'm completely heart broken. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff I hadn't talked to her for awhile. I didn't get to say goodbye. I really thought she'd win out over the cancer. I really thought we'd have more time, that I could get my shit together and then be there for her. I hate myself for thinking that way.
I've connected with our old friends from high school. One of them told me that she had talked to her boyfriend and he informed her that Penny had been lying about her health. When I had talked to her last she said they were trying new treatments and they were working. I thought they'd buy me enough time to go visit her. The truth is that they weren't working at all. She was lying to all of us because she didn't want people to be sad.
I'm heartbroken and furious with myself that I didn't take more time to put my issues aside to spend time with her. She was very important to me. I'm going to miss her so much.
I'm going through a lot on top of that. Things with housing really broke me. As ridiculous as that sounds. But walking into a place everyday and being told everyone there hates you, is really hard. I can't even stand to go by the building anymore. I don't trust Bernard, or anyone there, at all anymore which makes things even harder because I need to be able to trust Bernard.
I'm really, really depressed. I'm barely holding on anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me if we don't get this apartment. I'm devastated by the loss of my friend. I'm really struggling. I really don't know what to do.
Please, just keep me in your thoughts.
--mm
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
A Very Difficult 24 Hours
I'm going on less than three hours of sleep. I need to go to bed but I can't. I'm so torn up about events that have happened in the last twenty-four hours. There is A LOT of housing drama. I'm also having personal drama and I'm pretty sure I'm having my midlife crisis twenty years early right now. There's been a lot of deaths around me. There's been a lot of just not good stuff. Then today was just all around awful.
I was coming back from an awful night in which my roommate and I got stranded in Clackamas, and our train stopped at the Union Station. "Oh God," I said, "This is never good."
The conductor got on and said that the train could not proceed into downtown due to an accident on the tracks. "Told you it's never good when the conductor starts talking on a stopped train," I said as the hundred or so people on the train clamored off.
Both of us had food poisoning and I needed to find a bathroom so we walked to my old work. In front of the entrance we found the "accident" the conductor had been talking about.
Accident was not the right word. Not at all.
A man had gone to the top of the building I worked in and jumped off the top floor, falling twelve floors to his death. We arrived at the scene as the police officers were covering the body with trash bags. A mother climbed out of the car in front of the scene cradling a small boy, maybe six years old, to block him from seeing. The man's shoe had fallen off and lay in the middle of the road.
Right where I used to work.
I can't stop thinking about that. I can't shake it. It was awful. With all the death I've been surrounded by, lately. I'm just, at a loss. And as such I'm on here instead of getting much needed sleep. I just don't know anymore.
I was coming back from an awful night in which my roommate and I got stranded in Clackamas, and our train stopped at the Union Station. "Oh God," I said, "This is never good."
The conductor got on and said that the train could not proceed into downtown due to an accident on the tracks. "Told you it's never good when the conductor starts talking on a stopped train," I said as the hundred or so people on the train clamored off.
Both of us had food poisoning and I needed to find a bathroom so we walked to my old work. In front of the entrance we found the "accident" the conductor had been talking about.
Accident was not the right word. Not at all.
A man had gone to the top of the building I worked in and jumped off the top floor, falling twelve floors to his death. We arrived at the scene as the police officers were covering the body with trash bags. A mother climbed out of the car in front of the scene cradling a small boy, maybe six years old, to block him from seeing. The man's shoe had fallen off and lay in the middle of the road.
Right where I used to work.
I can't stop thinking about that. I can't shake it. It was awful. With all the death I've been surrounded by, lately. I'm just, at a loss. And as such I'm on here instead of getting much needed sleep. I just don't know anymore.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Homeless Kids That Eat Like Kings
I've been in housing two months now. Hard to believe that it's been so long since shelter, yet it seems like a life time ago at the same time. Today, our housing director, Oliver, brought me some magazines from the Food Network. I had to share them with other residents but his thought was for me, which is really nice. I've kind of become a culinary legend around here.
Since I now have a fully functional kitchen and exquisite roommates to share it with I've been spoiling my roommates regularly with food. We are the only dorm that eats meals and grocery shops together. One of the housing staff came in earlier this week and laughed at our chore chart. One of my roommates had written his own chore assignment under the one staff gives us. He labeled me as the "cooker" and the other female in the house the "sandwich maker". He labeled himself as "man stuff". Apparently this particular staff found it absolutely hilarious because after he stopped laughing he said, "I'm really impressed with you guys; you took very basic housing and turned it into a home." We are the only dorm like ours where everyone is close and warm and fuzzy. We also are the only dorm with a Christmas tree. Although, ours is a Christmakah tree because we have a Jewish roommate so we are doing both Hanukkah and Christmas (or rather really failing at trying to).
The one thing that keeps us the most connected are the meals. We always announce when I'm done cooking and invite the other dorms and staff to our food. Only one staff takes the offer, though Zelda says she would if she wasn't vegan. (Well....kind of. Standing outside after the fire alarm went off for someone else's cooking she said, "I feel really dirty eating your guys' food; but then I also feel really dirty not eating your guys' food. I haven't quite figured that out in my head yet so I blame it on being vegan.) Technically, they aren't supposed to eat the food we make but it's not a set in stone rule. I do get offended when people refuse my food offers. Everyone who has tried my cooking though, sing my praises. Even when I ask my roommates for honest opinions they always tell me it's good. I believe them because there are rarely left overs! It's amazing to me how food brings people together.
Here are some of my meals:
Since I now have a fully functional kitchen and exquisite roommates to share it with I've been spoiling my roommates regularly with food. We are the only dorm that eats meals and grocery shops together. One of the housing staff came in earlier this week and laughed at our chore chart. One of my roommates had written his own chore assignment under the one staff gives us. He labeled me as the "cooker" and the other female in the house the "sandwich maker". He labeled himself as "man stuff". Apparently this particular staff found it absolutely hilarious because after he stopped laughing he said, "I'm really impressed with you guys; you took very basic housing and turned it into a home." We are the only dorm like ours where everyone is close and warm and fuzzy. We also are the only dorm with a Christmas tree. Although, ours is a Christmakah tree because we have a Jewish roommate so we are doing both Hanukkah and Christmas (or rather really failing at trying to).
The one thing that keeps us the most connected are the meals. We always announce when I'm done cooking and invite the other dorms and staff to our food. Only one staff takes the offer, though Zelda says she would if she wasn't vegan. (Well....kind of. Standing outside after the fire alarm went off for someone else's cooking she said, "I feel really dirty eating your guys' food; but then I also feel really dirty not eating your guys' food. I haven't quite figured that out in my head yet so I blame it on being vegan.) Technically, they aren't supposed to eat the food we make but it's not a set in stone rule. I do get offended when people refuse my food offers. Everyone who has tried my cooking though, sing my praises. Even when I ask my roommates for honest opinions they always tell me it's good. I believe them because there are rarely left overs! It's amazing to me how food brings people together.
Here are some of my meals:
I bake cookies almost everyday. I don't really like cookies but as we all know I really, really love cookie dough. Problem is that when it comes time to actually bake the cookies I get lazy and since they are really only for my roommates to eat. For this ginormous cookie I got sick of making balls of dough and just put the three batters I was working with in one big cookie. My roommates still ate it without a single complaint.
My roommates CONSTANTLY ask for Orgasm-in-your-Mouth Chicken. Cover the chicken with mayonnaise then bread with crunched up french fried onions. The Mayo keeps the chicken moist and delicious. Going to try this with Greek yogurt next to see if it has the same effect in a healthier form.
Thanksgiving breakfast. Pancakes with bananas, chocolate chips, and I forget what else with scrambled eggs with bell pepper/onion. There was also bacon of course.
Our full Thanksgiving feast. My first ever ham (10lbs!). Plus green bean casserole made with cream of chicken instead of mushroom to avoid a mushroom allergy, biscuits, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing.
Pumpkin pie made from scratch minus the crust. (first ever pie attempt and totally edible!)
Peanut Butter cake also made completely from scratch. (My first ever from scratch cake and it was actually good!) Even the glaze is homemade. We were celebrating a birthday in housing. We asked staff for special permission to light candles for the cake, which can result in immediate eviction. They said, "We won't be monitoring in here for awhile." So we lit the candles briefly so he could make a wish. It was a nice night.
--mm
Monday, November 26, 2012
Wizard of Oz
So, I think I explained a little about me getting in trouble with staff the other night. I was supposed to take a Behavioral Night Out (BNO) for walking away from her while she was chewing me out. I refused to take the night out because Oliver (the direct of housing) and Bianca (my case manager) are both gone on vacation. Which is a really bad idea. You should space the vacations out not overlap them so that these problems don't happen. I'd say I petitioned all of the staff I could myself but I didn't. My roommate went down and fought them while I was napping. I think all of my roommates and our honorary roommate Moby were ready to fight staff if they kicked me out permanently.
I thought my refusing to leave would be a lot more dramatic than it was. After 5pm I was officially trespassing (as they pointed out in the notice they posted) but no one even came into our dorm. It was a quiet night. It was odd to me that I was doing what was seen as a drastic form of rebellion but really all I was doing was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and playing rummy. We kept waiting for some explosion to happen or for them to call the police but nothing. I went to bed at 10pm. It was all very anticlimactic.
This morning I asked to talk to the boss of all bosses of all bosses. The head hauncho. She's like Oz around here. People talk about this Oz but no one is allowed to look behind the curtain. Well, I was going to look behind the curtain dammit. They ran interference and the boss of the case managers told me my night out had become two nights out and if I didn't take that I'd be kicked out of housing indefinitely. "Let me speak to your boss," I told her. She said: "Nobody talks to Oz."
Well, I'm not Nobody am I?
It took two minutes of pressing before she went to talk to Oz, now I know she's easy to budge. She took my two very long grievance reports into her. She came back and told me Oz would meet with me in ten minutes after she read the reports. I hung out downstairs and talked to people I have seen since I moved into housing.
When she walked in I was surprised. I've never even seen her around. She is definitely an enigma. I thought she would be a lot older because people had told me she's been here since the program was started decades ago but she looked maybe like she was in her late forties early fifties. She said while she normally takes two weeks to follow up on grievance reports she understood my BNO was timely.
We talked for quite awhile. While other issues were mentioned, such as the stalking we mostly hashed out the BNO. At first she wouldn't budge saying that because I already had been warned about my arguing with staff I'd had fair warning about the BNO. I pointed out that I didn't argue, I wasn't mean or verbally abusive. I simply walked away. I said I didn't think it was fair to get a BNO for asking to be left alone when getting yelled at. I kind of went out on a limb and said, "That's what D-Team told me to do in my notice." I thought it said something along those lines but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, she had a copy of the notice so I pointed it out to her right there.
At this point she sat back in her chair and said, "Okay, here's what we'll do." She suspended my BNO for the time being. I think this also means she takes off the BNO for refusing to leave housing. She said she's going to talk to people and figure out what's going on and then sit down with me and the staff the altercation was with. If I prove that I did not make a negative comment to her when I walked away I'm in the clear.
She is also going to look at the other issues I noted such as the staff targeting me, the stalker, the disorganization when I came into housing, things of that nature. I'm hoping that she is going to help find solutions to these situations and turn around all this nonsense going on.
I'll admit talking to her was a good ego boost too. The only other youth who has met her is Moby (that I know of). He didn't meet her specially like I did but instead because she was meeting with a staff when he was around. My roommates asked me all sorts of questions about what she is like. I was really nervous going into the meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go. Since I hadn't met her before I couldn't guess how it was going to go down or even how to approach the situation. I actually really liked her.
Regardless of the results of my BNO I am happy with the situation. I got to stand up for myself, make my case, and hopefully things only get better from here.
--mm
I thought my refusing to leave would be a lot more dramatic than it was. After 5pm I was officially trespassing (as they pointed out in the notice they posted) but no one even came into our dorm. It was a quiet night. It was odd to me that I was doing what was seen as a drastic form of rebellion but really all I was doing was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and playing rummy. We kept waiting for some explosion to happen or for them to call the police but nothing. I went to bed at 10pm. It was all very anticlimactic.
This morning I asked to talk to the boss of all bosses of all bosses. The head hauncho. She's like Oz around here. People talk about this Oz but no one is allowed to look behind the curtain. Well, I was going to look behind the curtain dammit. They ran interference and the boss of the case managers told me my night out had become two nights out and if I didn't take that I'd be kicked out of housing indefinitely. "Let me speak to your boss," I told her. She said: "Nobody talks to Oz."
Well, I'm not Nobody am I?
It took two minutes of pressing before she went to talk to Oz, now I know she's easy to budge. She took my two very long grievance reports into her. She came back and told me Oz would meet with me in ten minutes after she read the reports. I hung out downstairs and talked to people I have seen since I moved into housing.
When she walked in I was surprised. I've never even seen her around. She is definitely an enigma. I thought she would be a lot older because people had told me she's been here since the program was started decades ago but she looked maybe like she was in her late forties early fifties. She said while she normally takes two weeks to follow up on grievance reports she understood my BNO was timely.
We talked for quite awhile. While other issues were mentioned, such as the stalking we mostly hashed out the BNO. At first she wouldn't budge saying that because I already had been warned about my arguing with staff I'd had fair warning about the BNO. I pointed out that I didn't argue, I wasn't mean or verbally abusive. I simply walked away. I said I didn't think it was fair to get a BNO for asking to be left alone when getting yelled at. I kind of went out on a limb and said, "That's what D-Team told me to do in my notice." I thought it said something along those lines but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, she had a copy of the notice so I pointed it out to her right there.
At this point she sat back in her chair and said, "Okay, here's what we'll do." She suspended my BNO for the time being. I think this also means she takes off the BNO for refusing to leave housing. She said she's going to talk to people and figure out what's going on and then sit down with me and the staff the altercation was with. If I prove that I did not make a negative comment to her when I walked away I'm in the clear.
She is also going to look at the other issues I noted such as the staff targeting me, the stalker, the disorganization when I came into housing, things of that nature. I'm hoping that she is going to help find solutions to these situations and turn around all this nonsense going on.
I'll admit talking to her was a good ego boost too. The only other youth who has met her is Moby (that I know of). He didn't meet her specially like I did but instead because she was meeting with a staff when he was around. My roommates asked me all sorts of questions about what she is like. I was really nervous going into the meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go. Since I hadn't met her before I couldn't guess how it was going to go down or even how to approach the situation. I actually really liked her.
Regardless of the results of my BNO I am happy with the situation. I got to stand up for myself, make my case, and hopefully things only get better from here.
--mm
Sunday, November 25, 2012
May Have Found My Limit
Shit around here is getting old. There's just a lot of bullshit I haven't been writing about that's been going down. Mostly because I don't have the time nor the energy to give it any space in my mind but I'm about to burst so now you get the dirty details in an angry rant.
The most concerning issue at hand is Kitten Lady. No one has seen her in about a month. There is not one sighting of her since I last saw her in the food courts. No trace. I accidentally washed and dried my phone so I don't have her phone number anymore. I've been searching for her several times a day but no sign of her and no one has seen her. I'm not the only one worried, other youth comment when I ask them that something feels wrong. Of course, none of the staff see this as something that is a problem. Only Zelda has commented on the situation saying, "Oh my God. You must be terrified." Everyone else carries the attitude of well she's a user she's going to disappear like that. I think being a user makes her even less likely to go off the radar though. She needs to get drugs somewhere right? She always hated leaving downtown. She wouldn't disappear like this intentionally. I'm going to check under the bridge where her mother sleeps next. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really freaking out but there's no one willing to help me.
Then there's housing drama. Lots and lots of housing drama. Everyday they call me into their office accusing me of doing xyz. It's silly because I'm never even home to do these things. On Friday I was gone for five hours but they still called me in saying I talked about Ginger clan in my dorm. I WASN'T EVEN HOME! It's gotten so crazy staff are seriously following me around and trying to censor everything I say. When I told one to leave me alone she followed me and yelled at me through my bedroom door. She gave me a night out for refusing to talk to her.
I wrote up an eight page grievance about all this bullshit I've been going through since day one here. I'm going to raise hell tomorrow. Night out my ass. Even though I'm going to raise hell and I'm going to win I'm exhausted and stressed from all this bullshit. I stopped sleeping weeks ago. I have a test Monday I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I'm just sick and tired of having to fight so damn hard for things that I shouldn't have to battle for. Like privacy and decency and respect. I'm at my wits end and about to crack from all this pressure.
--mm
The most concerning issue at hand is Kitten Lady. No one has seen her in about a month. There is not one sighting of her since I last saw her in the food courts. No trace. I accidentally washed and dried my phone so I don't have her phone number anymore. I've been searching for her several times a day but no sign of her and no one has seen her. I'm not the only one worried, other youth comment when I ask them that something feels wrong. Of course, none of the staff see this as something that is a problem. Only Zelda has commented on the situation saying, "Oh my God. You must be terrified." Everyone else carries the attitude of well she's a user she's going to disappear like that. I think being a user makes her even less likely to go off the radar though. She needs to get drugs somewhere right? She always hated leaving downtown. She wouldn't disappear like this intentionally. I'm going to check under the bridge where her mother sleeps next. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really freaking out but there's no one willing to help me.
Then there's housing drama. Lots and lots of housing drama. Everyday they call me into their office accusing me of doing xyz. It's silly because I'm never even home to do these things. On Friday I was gone for five hours but they still called me in saying I talked about Ginger clan in my dorm. I WASN'T EVEN HOME! It's gotten so crazy staff are seriously following me around and trying to censor everything I say. When I told one to leave me alone she followed me and yelled at me through my bedroom door. She gave me a night out for refusing to talk to her.
I wrote up an eight page grievance about all this bullshit I've been going through since day one here. I'm going to raise hell tomorrow. Night out my ass. Even though I'm going to raise hell and I'm going to win I'm exhausted and stressed from all this bullshit. I stopped sleeping weeks ago. I have a test Monday I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I'm just sick and tired of having to fight so damn hard for things that I shouldn't have to battle for. Like privacy and decency and respect. I'm at my wits end and about to crack from all this pressure.
--mm
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Homeless Thanksgiving
Saying "happy Thanksgiving" around here is like wishing someone a happy root canal. Holidays just aren't a huge deal when you're homeless. In fact they're a huge disappointment. We'd rather ignore them than be fed the Hallmark card bullshit that having a family makes you happier and more superior.
I decided to sign up for a food basket at the college for my dorm. Every year the student government makes food baskets for anyone who wants them. I figured what the hell? It couldn't hurt. When I picked it up on Tuesday they also gave me a $10 gift certificate for a ham or turkey. The items in the food basket besides caned veggies and soup were things like stuffing and marshmallows. So I figured damn, let's just have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Even though it was last minute I figured we should see ourselves above the idea that not having a family makes you inferior. We can be celebratory and happy and thankful without a Leave it to Beaver holiday.
Wednesday I got out of school early and came home to try and catch my case manager and/or Bernard. I didn't catch either of them. Bernard was supposed to give me the information on how to get in contact with Houdini so I can visit him in jail. My case manager is just near impossible to meet with lately. I'm exasperated with it.
I then went to try and find Kitten Lady at either day program but she wasn't around. I went to Winco to get the last of the supplies to make Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first attempt to make the full meal ever. I've never made a ham. I've never made pumpkin pie. Still, I'm going to try.
When I got home I quickly made up my orgasm in your mouth chicken. While it was in the oven I ran by shelter to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no sign of her. No one has seen her in a week. I went back home and finished up dinner.
After dinner was finished just about the entire third floor ambushed Zelda in her office, mostly just for the hell of it. I brought her a chicken breast but apparently she's "mostly vegan". -sigh-. After this there was another round of grocery shopping at Safeway in which much of our groceries were stolen (and a meat thermometer).
After dropping off the groceries my roommate and I went on a hunt for Kitten Lady. We walked around downtown for over an hour but no sign of her. She wasn't at any of her sleeping spots. I'm starting to get really worried.
On Thanksgiving I woke up at about 11:30. Something crazy was going on in the day program that involved a lot of noise. I made a full breakfast feast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. It took me until 12:30 which was conveniently the time the lone roommate that stayed home for Thanksgiving woke up. We ate and watched the newest episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. My little rock star Asia is still in the running! Top five!
After breakfast we went on a hunt to find movies to watch for dinner. We got Dark Shadows, Madagascar Three, and The Lorax from the Red Box rental thing. Then I bought Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Seven from Every Day Music.
I watched National Lampoon's while I cooked dinner. I have mass nostalgia with that movie. I grew up on it. As we were going in and out we popped our heads in the day program to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no one has seen her. One of the staff in the day program walked me through how to cook a ham. I adore her. She's very motherly to everyone which is unique.
She is the only one out of all of our programs that mothers people the way she does. No one else seems to be parent figurely besides her. And really, if anyone tried to be our parents it wouldn't go well. But Flora, gets away with it. She also breaks up fights by offering youth cigarettes, a practice expressly forbidden in the day program.
We had everything for dinner: candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole ham, biscuits, and (homemade) pie. The sweet potatoes need a little work, they overflowed a bit. The green beans were made with cream of chicken soup instead of mushroom because my roommate is highly allergic to mushrooms. Just as well, I don't like them either. Cream of chicken actually worked a lot better I think. What I forgot were the small things: butter in the yams, pepper in the casserole, the little details that don't really mean much but for me as an oober perfectionist it bugged me.
I've never cooked a ham or made a pie before and I've never done such an extensive meal all at once but I refused my roommates' offers for help. I wanted to prove I could do it all. The meal wasn't perfect but I more than proved myself. Pot Head and Moby also came over for dinner. Moby has become our honorary roommate because his pod is empty and he finds it creepy. We've talked about him moving into our dorm so we don't end up with someone crazy if they let more people upstairs.
After dinner we went out and smoked some of Pot Head's ak-47. I've smoked it at least twice now. It makes your lungs feel like they are full of glass. I took one hit tonight and promptly threw up. I felt like I might but I wasn't sure so I hopped up and ran away from the boys. A few feet and I coughed hard and projected vomit onto the ground. I was happy the boys didn't offer me any more weed when I was done. I didn't want anymore but didn't want to be a pussy and turn it down if offered.
We smoke cigarettes in the court yard when we were done. Even though I only had one hit I was flying high. It felt like we were smoking those cigarettes for hours, maybe even days but it was only fifteen minutes. I don't like to smoke cigs after weed so I kept wondering why it was taking the boys so long to finish. Everything was profoundly funny.
Pot Head had to leave to go into shelter. We continued watching movies upstairs. After we finished "The Lorax" (which Pot Head picked to watch first) we watched "Seven". Now, we're watching "Dark Shadows". I'm less than thrilled about this movie choice. I can only watch Johnny Depp and Tim Burton regurgitate the same movie so many times. But roomie wanted to see it so I humor him.
We haven't cut into the pie yet so I don't know how I did on my first pie but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes when we're done with the movies. I intend on taking some ham to Flora to see what she thinks of my first ten pound ham.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Nothing better than celebrating the mass genocide of Indians by stuffing your face full of food! (jk)
--mm
I decided to sign up for a food basket at the college for my dorm. Every year the student government makes food baskets for anyone who wants them. I figured what the hell? It couldn't hurt. When I picked it up on Tuesday they also gave me a $10 gift certificate for a ham or turkey. The items in the food basket besides caned veggies and soup were things like stuffing and marshmallows. So I figured damn, let's just have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Even though it was last minute I figured we should see ourselves above the idea that not having a family makes you inferior. We can be celebratory and happy and thankful without a Leave it to Beaver holiday.
Wednesday I got out of school early and came home to try and catch my case manager and/or Bernard. I didn't catch either of them. Bernard was supposed to give me the information on how to get in contact with Houdini so I can visit him in jail. My case manager is just near impossible to meet with lately. I'm exasperated with it.
I then went to try and find Kitten Lady at either day program but she wasn't around. I went to Winco to get the last of the supplies to make Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first attempt to make the full meal ever. I've never made a ham. I've never made pumpkin pie. Still, I'm going to try.
When I got home I quickly made up my orgasm in your mouth chicken. While it was in the oven I ran by shelter to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no sign of her. No one has seen her in a week. I went back home and finished up dinner.
After dinner was finished just about the entire third floor ambushed Zelda in her office, mostly just for the hell of it. I brought her a chicken breast but apparently she's "mostly vegan". -sigh-. After this there was another round of grocery shopping at Safeway in which much of our groceries were stolen (and a meat thermometer).
After dropping off the groceries my roommate and I went on a hunt for Kitten Lady. We walked around downtown for over an hour but no sign of her. She wasn't at any of her sleeping spots. I'm starting to get really worried.
On Thanksgiving I woke up at about 11:30. Something crazy was going on in the day program that involved a lot of noise. I made a full breakfast feast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. It took me until 12:30 which was conveniently the time the lone roommate that stayed home for Thanksgiving woke up. We ate and watched the newest episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. My little rock star Asia is still in the running! Top five!
After breakfast we went on a hunt to find movies to watch for dinner. We got Dark Shadows, Madagascar Three, and The Lorax from the Red Box rental thing. Then I bought Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Seven from Every Day Music.
I watched National Lampoon's while I cooked dinner. I have mass nostalgia with that movie. I grew up on it. As we were going in and out we popped our heads in the day program to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no one has seen her. One of the staff in the day program walked me through how to cook a ham. I adore her. She's very motherly to everyone which is unique.
She is the only one out of all of our programs that mothers people the way she does. No one else seems to be parent figurely besides her. And really, if anyone tried to be our parents it wouldn't go well. But Flora, gets away with it. She also breaks up fights by offering youth cigarettes, a practice expressly forbidden in the day program.
We had everything for dinner: candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole ham, biscuits, and (homemade) pie. The sweet potatoes need a little work, they overflowed a bit. The green beans were made with cream of chicken soup instead of mushroom because my roommate is highly allergic to mushrooms. Just as well, I don't like them either. Cream of chicken actually worked a lot better I think. What I forgot were the small things: butter in the yams, pepper in the casserole, the little details that don't really mean much but for me as an oober perfectionist it bugged me.
I've never cooked a ham or made a pie before and I've never done such an extensive meal all at once but I refused my roommates' offers for help. I wanted to prove I could do it all. The meal wasn't perfect but I more than proved myself. Pot Head and Moby also came over for dinner. Moby has become our honorary roommate because his pod is empty and he finds it creepy. We've talked about him moving into our dorm so we don't end up with someone crazy if they let more people upstairs.
After dinner we went out and smoked some of Pot Head's ak-47. I've smoked it at least twice now. It makes your lungs feel like they are full of glass. I took one hit tonight and promptly threw up. I felt like I might but I wasn't sure so I hopped up and ran away from the boys. A few feet and I coughed hard and projected vomit onto the ground. I was happy the boys didn't offer me any more weed when I was done. I didn't want anymore but didn't want to be a pussy and turn it down if offered.
We smoke cigarettes in the court yard when we were done. Even though I only had one hit I was flying high. It felt like we were smoking those cigarettes for hours, maybe even days but it was only fifteen minutes. I don't like to smoke cigs after weed so I kept wondering why it was taking the boys so long to finish. Everything was profoundly funny.
Pot Head had to leave to go into shelter. We continued watching movies upstairs. After we finished "The Lorax" (which Pot Head picked to watch first) we watched "Seven". Now, we're watching "Dark Shadows". I'm less than thrilled about this movie choice. I can only watch Johnny Depp and Tim Burton regurgitate the same movie so many times. But roomie wanted to see it so I humor him.
We haven't cut into the pie yet so I don't know how I did on my first pie but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes when we're done with the movies. I intend on taking some ham to Flora to see what she thinks of my first ten pound ham.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Nothing better than celebrating the mass genocide of Indians by stuffing your face full of food! (jk)
--mm
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