I'm going on less than three hours of sleep. I need to go to bed but I can't. I'm so torn up about events that have happened in the last twenty-four hours. There is A LOT of housing drama. I'm also having personal drama and I'm pretty sure I'm having my midlife crisis twenty years early right now. There's been a lot of deaths around me. There's been a lot of just not good stuff. Then today was just all around awful.
I was coming back from an awful night in which my roommate and I got stranded in Clackamas, and our train stopped at the Union Station. "Oh God," I said, "This is never good."
The conductor got on and said that the train could not proceed into downtown due to an accident on the tracks. "Told you it's never good when the conductor starts talking on a stopped train," I said as the hundred or so people on the train clamored off.
Both of us had food poisoning and I needed to find a bathroom so we walked to my old work. In front of the entrance we found the "accident" the conductor had been talking about.
Accident was not the right word. Not at all.
A man had gone to the top of the building I worked in and jumped off the top floor, falling twelve floors to his death. We arrived at the scene as the police officers were covering the body with trash bags. A mother climbed out of the car in front of the scene cradling a small boy, maybe six years old, to block him from seeing. The man's shoe had fallen off and lay in the middle of the road.
Right where I used to work.
I can't stop thinking about that. I can't shake it. It was awful. With all the death I've been surrounded by, lately. I'm just, at a loss. And as such I'm on here instead of getting much needed sleep. I just don't know anymore.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Homeless Kids That Eat Like Kings
I've been in housing two months now. Hard to believe that it's been so long since shelter, yet it seems like a life time ago at the same time. Today, our housing director, Oliver, brought me some magazines from the Food Network. I had to share them with other residents but his thought was for me, which is really nice. I've kind of become a culinary legend around here.
Since I now have a fully functional kitchen and exquisite roommates to share it with I've been spoiling my roommates regularly with food. We are the only dorm that eats meals and grocery shops together. One of the housing staff came in earlier this week and laughed at our chore chart. One of my roommates had written his own chore assignment under the one staff gives us. He labeled me as the "cooker" and the other female in the house the "sandwich maker". He labeled himself as "man stuff". Apparently this particular staff found it absolutely hilarious because after he stopped laughing he said, "I'm really impressed with you guys; you took very basic housing and turned it into a home." We are the only dorm like ours where everyone is close and warm and fuzzy. We also are the only dorm with a Christmas tree. Although, ours is a Christmakah tree because we have a Jewish roommate so we are doing both Hanukkah and Christmas (or rather really failing at trying to).
The one thing that keeps us the most connected are the meals. We always announce when I'm done cooking and invite the other dorms and staff to our food. Only one staff takes the offer, though Zelda says she would if she wasn't vegan. (Well....kind of. Standing outside after the fire alarm went off for someone else's cooking she said, "I feel really dirty eating your guys' food; but then I also feel really dirty not eating your guys' food. I haven't quite figured that out in my head yet so I blame it on being vegan.) Technically, they aren't supposed to eat the food we make but it's not a set in stone rule. I do get offended when people refuse my food offers. Everyone who has tried my cooking though, sing my praises. Even when I ask my roommates for honest opinions they always tell me it's good. I believe them because there are rarely left overs! It's amazing to me how food brings people together.
Here are some of my meals:
Since I now have a fully functional kitchen and exquisite roommates to share it with I've been spoiling my roommates regularly with food. We are the only dorm that eats meals and grocery shops together. One of the housing staff came in earlier this week and laughed at our chore chart. One of my roommates had written his own chore assignment under the one staff gives us. He labeled me as the "cooker" and the other female in the house the "sandwich maker". He labeled himself as "man stuff". Apparently this particular staff found it absolutely hilarious because after he stopped laughing he said, "I'm really impressed with you guys; you took very basic housing and turned it into a home." We are the only dorm like ours where everyone is close and warm and fuzzy. We also are the only dorm with a Christmas tree. Although, ours is a Christmakah tree because we have a Jewish roommate so we are doing both Hanukkah and Christmas (or rather really failing at trying to).
The one thing that keeps us the most connected are the meals. We always announce when I'm done cooking and invite the other dorms and staff to our food. Only one staff takes the offer, though Zelda says she would if she wasn't vegan. (Well....kind of. Standing outside after the fire alarm went off for someone else's cooking she said, "I feel really dirty eating your guys' food; but then I also feel really dirty not eating your guys' food. I haven't quite figured that out in my head yet so I blame it on being vegan.) Technically, they aren't supposed to eat the food we make but it's not a set in stone rule. I do get offended when people refuse my food offers. Everyone who has tried my cooking though, sing my praises. Even when I ask my roommates for honest opinions they always tell me it's good. I believe them because there are rarely left overs! It's amazing to me how food brings people together.
Here are some of my meals:
I bake cookies almost everyday. I don't really like cookies but as we all know I really, really love cookie dough. Problem is that when it comes time to actually bake the cookies I get lazy and since they are really only for my roommates to eat. For this ginormous cookie I got sick of making balls of dough and just put the three batters I was working with in one big cookie. My roommates still ate it without a single complaint.
My roommates CONSTANTLY ask for Orgasm-in-your-Mouth Chicken. Cover the chicken with mayonnaise then bread with crunched up french fried onions. The Mayo keeps the chicken moist and delicious. Going to try this with Greek yogurt next to see if it has the same effect in a healthier form.
Thanksgiving breakfast. Pancakes with bananas, chocolate chips, and I forget what else with scrambled eggs with bell pepper/onion. There was also bacon of course.
Our full Thanksgiving feast. My first ever ham (10lbs!). Plus green bean casserole made with cream of chicken instead of mushroom to avoid a mushroom allergy, biscuits, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing.
Pumpkin pie made from scratch minus the crust. (first ever pie attempt and totally edible!)
Peanut Butter cake also made completely from scratch. (My first ever from scratch cake and it was actually good!) Even the glaze is homemade. We were celebrating a birthday in housing. We asked staff for special permission to light candles for the cake, which can result in immediate eviction. They said, "We won't be monitoring in here for awhile." So we lit the candles briefly so he could make a wish. It was a nice night.
--mm
Monday, November 26, 2012
Wizard of Oz
So, I think I explained a little about me getting in trouble with staff the other night. I was supposed to take a Behavioral Night Out (BNO) for walking away from her while she was chewing me out. I refused to take the night out because Oliver (the direct of housing) and Bianca (my case manager) are both gone on vacation. Which is a really bad idea. You should space the vacations out not overlap them so that these problems don't happen. I'd say I petitioned all of the staff I could myself but I didn't. My roommate went down and fought them while I was napping. I think all of my roommates and our honorary roommate Moby were ready to fight staff if they kicked me out permanently.
I thought my refusing to leave would be a lot more dramatic than it was. After 5pm I was officially trespassing (as they pointed out in the notice they posted) but no one even came into our dorm. It was a quiet night. It was odd to me that I was doing what was seen as a drastic form of rebellion but really all I was doing was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and playing rummy. We kept waiting for some explosion to happen or for them to call the police but nothing. I went to bed at 10pm. It was all very anticlimactic.
This morning I asked to talk to the boss of all bosses of all bosses. The head hauncho. She's like Oz around here. People talk about this Oz but no one is allowed to look behind the curtain. Well, I was going to look behind the curtain dammit. They ran interference and the boss of the case managers told me my night out had become two nights out and if I didn't take that I'd be kicked out of housing indefinitely. "Let me speak to your boss," I told her. She said: "Nobody talks to Oz."
Well, I'm not Nobody am I?
It took two minutes of pressing before she went to talk to Oz, now I know she's easy to budge. She took my two very long grievance reports into her. She came back and told me Oz would meet with me in ten minutes after she read the reports. I hung out downstairs and talked to people I have seen since I moved into housing.
When she walked in I was surprised. I've never even seen her around. She is definitely an enigma. I thought she would be a lot older because people had told me she's been here since the program was started decades ago but she looked maybe like she was in her late forties early fifties. She said while she normally takes two weeks to follow up on grievance reports she understood my BNO was timely.
We talked for quite awhile. While other issues were mentioned, such as the stalking we mostly hashed out the BNO. At first she wouldn't budge saying that because I already had been warned about my arguing with staff I'd had fair warning about the BNO. I pointed out that I didn't argue, I wasn't mean or verbally abusive. I simply walked away. I said I didn't think it was fair to get a BNO for asking to be left alone when getting yelled at. I kind of went out on a limb and said, "That's what D-Team told me to do in my notice." I thought it said something along those lines but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, she had a copy of the notice so I pointed it out to her right there.
At this point she sat back in her chair and said, "Okay, here's what we'll do." She suspended my BNO for the time being. I think this also means she takes off the BNO for refusing to leave housing. She said she's going to talk to people and figure out what's going on and then sit down with me and the staff the altercation was with. If I prove that I did not make a negative comment to her when I walked away I'm in the clear.
She is also going to look at the other issues I noted such as the staff targeting me, the stalker, the disorganization when I came into housing, things of that nature. I'm hoping that she is going to help find solutions to these situations and turn around all this nonsense going on.
I'll admit talking to her was a good ego boost too. The only other youth who has met her is Moby (that I know of). He didn't meet her specially like I did but instead because she was meeting with a staff when he was around. My roommates asked me all sorts of questions about what she is like. I was really nervous going into the meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go. Since I hadn't met her before I couldn't guess how it was going to go down or even how to approach the situation. I actually really liked her.
Regardless of the results of my BNO I am happy with the situation. I got to stand up for myself, make my case, and hopefully things only get better from here.
--mm
I thought my refusing to leave would be a lot more dramatic than it was. After 5pm I was officially trespassing (as they pointed out in the notice they posted) but no one even came into our dorm. It was a quiet night. It was odd to me that I was doing what was seen as a drastic form of rebellion but really all I was doing was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and playing rummy. We kept waiting for some explosion to happen or for them to call the police but nothing. I went to bed at 10pm. It was all very anticlimactic.
This morning I asked to talk to the boss of all bosses of all bosses. The head hauncho. She's like Oz around here. People talk about this Oz but no one is allowed to look behind the curtain. Well, I was going to look behind the curtain dammit. They ran interference and the boss of the case managers told me my night out had become two nights out and if I didn't take that I'd be kicked out of housing indefinitely. "Let me speak to your boss," I told her. She said: "Nobody talks to Oz."
Well, I'm not Nobody am I?
It took two minutes of pressing before she went to talk to Oz, now I know she's easy to budge. She took my two very long grievance reports into her. She came back and told me Oz would meet with me in ten minutes after she read the reports. I hung out downstairs and talked to people I have seen since I moved into housing.
When she walked in I was surprised. I've never even seen her around. She is definitely an enigma. I thought she would be a lot older because people had told me she's been here since the program was started decades ago but she looked maybe like she was in her late forties early fifties. She said while she normally takes two weeks to follow up on grievance reports she understood my BNO was timely.
We talked for quite awhile. While other issues were mentioned, such as the stalking we mostly hashed out the BNO. At first she wouldn't budge saying that because I already had been warned about my arguing with staff I'd had fair warning about the BNO. I pointed out that I didn't argue, I wasn't mean or verbally abusive. I simply walked away. I said I didn't think it was fair to get a BNO for asking to be left alone when getting yelled at. I kind of went out on a limb and said, "That's what D-Team told me to do in my notice." I thought it said something along those lines but I wasn't sure. Sure enough, she had a copy of the notice so I pointed it out to her right there.
At this point she sat back in her chair and said, "Okay, here's what we'll do." She suspended my BNO for the time being. I think this also means she takes off the BNO for refusing to leave housing. She said she's going to talk to people and figure out what's going on and then sit down with me and the staff the altercation was with. If I prove that I did not make a negative comment to her when I walked away I'm in the clear.
She is also going to look at the other issues I noted such as the staff targeting me, the stalker, the disorganization when I came into housing, things of that nature. I'm hoping that she is going to help find solutions to these situations and turn around all this nonsense going on.
I'll admit talking to her was a good ego boost too. The only other youth who has met her is Moby (that I know of). He didn't meet her specially like I did but instead because she was meeting with a staff when he was around. My roommates asked me all sorts of questions about what she is like. I was really nervous going into the meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go. Since I hadn't met her before I couldn't guess how it was going to go down or even how to approach the situation. I actually really liked her.
Regardless of the results of my BNO I am happy with the situation. I got to stand up for myself, make my case, and hopefully things only get better from here.
--mm
Sunday, November 25, 2012
May Have Found My Limit
Shit around here is getting old. There's just a lot of bullshit I haven't been writing about that's been going down. Mostly because I don't have the time nor the energy to give it any space in my mind but I'm about to burst so now you get the dirty details in an angry rant.
The most concerning issue at hand is Kitten Lady. No one has seen her in about a month. There is not one sighting of her since I last saw her in the food courts. No trace. I accidentally washed and dried my phone so I don't have her phone number anymore. I've been searching for her several times a day but no sign of her and no one has seen her. I'm not the only one worried, other youth comment when I ask them that something feels wrong. Of course, none of the staff see this as something that is a problem. Only Zelda has commented on the situation saying, "Oh my God. You must be terrified." Everyone else carries the attitude of well she's a user she's going to disappear like that. I think being a user makes her even less likely to go off the radar though. She needs to get drugs somewhere right? She always hated leaving downtown. She wouldn't disappear like this intentionally. I'm going to check under the bridge where her mother sleeps next. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really freaking out but there's no one willing to help me.
Then there's housing drama. Lots and lots of housing drama. Everyday they call me into their office accusing me of doing xyz. It's silly because I'm never even home to do these things. On Friday I was gone for five hours but they still called me in saying I talked about Ginger clan in my dorm. I WASN'T EVEN HOME! It's gotten so crazy staff are seriously following me around and trying to censor everything I say. When I told one to leave me alone she followed me and yelled at me through my bedroom door. She gave me a night out for refusing to talk to her.
I wrote up an eight page grievance about all this bullshit I've been going through since day one here. I'm going to raise hell tomorrow. Night out my ass. Even though I'm going to raise hell and I'm going to win I'm exhausted and stressed from all this bullshit. I stopped sleeping weeks ago. I have a test Monday I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I'm just sick and tired of having to fight so damn hard for things that I shouldn't have to battle for. Like privacy and decency and respect. I'm at my wits end and about to crack from all this pressure.
--mm
The most concerning issue at hand is Kitten Lady. No one has seen her in about a month. There is not one sighting of her since I last saw her in the food courts. No trace. I accidentally washed and dried my phone so I don't have her phone number anymore. I've been searching for her several times a day but no sign of her and no one has seen her. I'm not the only one worried, other youth comment when I ask them that something feels wrong. Of course, none of the staff see this as something that is a problem. Only Zelda has commented on the situation saying, "Oh my God. You must be terrified." Everyone else carries the attitude of well she's a user she's going to disappear like that. I think being a user makes her even less likely to go off the radar though. She needs to get drugs somewhere right? She always hated leaving downtown. She wouldn't disappear like this intentionally. I'm going to check under the bridge where her mother sleeps next. And then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really freaking out but there's no one willing to help me.
Then there's housing drama. Lots and lots of housing drama. Everyday they call me into their office accusing me of doing xyz. It's silly because I'm never even home to do these things. On Friday I was gone for five hours but they still called me in saying I talked about Ginger clan in my dorm. I WASN'T EVEN HOME! It's gotten so crazy staff are seriously following me around and trying to censor everything I say. When I told one to leave me alone she followed me and yelled at me through my bedroom door. She gave me a night out for refusing to talk to her.
I wrote up an eight page grievance about all this bullshit I've been going through since day one here. I'm going to raise hell tomorrow. Night out my ass. Even though I'm going to raise hell and I'm going to win I'm exhausted and stressed from all this bullshit. I stopped sleeping weeks ago. I have a test Monday I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I'm just sick and tired of having to fight so damn hard for things that I shouldn't have to battle for. Like privacy and decency and respect. I'm at my wits end and about to crack from all this pressure.
--mm
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Homeless Thanksgiving
Saying "happy Thanksgiving" around here is like wishing someone a happy root canal. Holidays just aren't a huge deal when you're homeless. In fact they're a huge disappointment. We'd rather ignore them than be fed the Hallmark card bullshit that having a family makes you happier and more superior.
I decided to sign up for a food basket at the college for my dorm. Every year the student government makes food baskets for anyone who wants them. I figured what the hell? It couldn't hurt. When I picked it up on Tuesday they also gave me a $10 gift certificate for a ham or turkey. The items in the food basket besides caned veggies and soup were things like stuffing and marshmallows. So I figured damn, let's just have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Even though it was last minute I figured we should see ourselves above the idea that not having a family makes you inferior. We can be celebratory and happy and thankful without a Leave it to Beaver holiday.
Wednesday I got out of school early and came home to try and catch my case manager and/or Bernard. I didn't catch either of them. Bernard was supposed to give me the information on how to get in contact with Houdini so I can visit him in jail. My case manager is just near impossible to meet with lately. I'm exasperated with it.
I then went to try and find Kitten Lady at either day program but she wasn't around. I went to Winco to get the last of the supplies to make Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first attempt to make the full meal ever. I've never made a ham. I've never made pumpkin pie. Still, I'm going to try.
When I got home I quickly made up my orgasm in your mouth chicken. While it was in the oven I ran by shelter to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no sign of her. No one has seen her in a week. I went back home and finished up dinner.
After dinner was finished just about the entire third floor ambushed Zelda in her office, mostly just for the hell of it. I brought her a chicken breast but apparently she's "mostly vegan". -sigh-. After this there was another round of grocery shopping at Safeway in which much of our groceries were stolen (and a meat thermometer).
After dropping off the groceries my roommate and I went on a hunt for Kitten Lady. We walked around downtown for over an hour but no sign of her. She wasn't at any of her sleeping spots. I'm starting to get really worried.
On Thanksgiving I woke up at about 11:30. Something crazy was going on in the day program that involved a lot of noise. I made a full breakfast feast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. It took me until 12:30 which was conveniently the time the lone roommate that stayed home for Thanksgiving woke up. We ate and watched the newest episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. My little rock star Asia is still in the running! Top five!
After breakfast we went on a hunt to find movies to watch for dinner. We got Dark Shadows, Madagascar Three, and The Lorax from the Red Box rental thing. Then I bought Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Seven from Every Day Music.
I watched National Lampoon's while I cooked dinner. I have mass nostalgia with that movie. I grew up on it. As we were going in and out we popped our heads in the day program to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no one has seen her. One of the staff in the day program walked me through how to cook a ham. I adore her. She's very motherly to everyone which is unique.
She is the only one out of all of our programs that mothers people the way she does. No one else seems to be parent figurely besides her. And really, if anyone tried to be our parents it wouldn't go well. But Flora, gets away with it. She also breaks up fights by offering youth cigarettes, a practice expressly forbidden in the day program.
We had everything for dinner: candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole ham, biscuits, and (homemade) pie. The sweet potatoes need a little work, they overflowed a bit. The green beans were made with cream of chicken soup instead of mushroom because my roommate is highly allergic to mushrooms. Just as well, I don't like them either. Cream of chicken actually worked a lot better I think. What I forgot were the small things: butter in the yams, pepper in the casserole, the little details that don't really mean much but for me as an oober perfectionist it bugged me.
I've never cooked a ham or made a pie before and I've never done such an extensive meal all at once but I refused my roommates' offers for help. I wanted to prove I could do it all. The meal wasn't perfect but I more than proved myself. Pot Head and Moby also came over for dinner. Moby has become our honorary roommate because his pod is empty and he finds it creepy. We've talked about him moving into our dorm so we don't end up with someone crazy if they let more people upstairs.
After dinner we went out and smoked some of Pot Head's ak-47. I've smoked it at least twice now. It makes your lungs feel like they are full of glass. I took one hit tonight and promptly threw up. I felt like I might but I wasn't sure so I hopped up and ran away from the boys. A few feet and I coughed hard and projected vomit onto the ground. I was happy the boys didn't offer me any more weed when I was done. I didn't want anymore but didn't want to be a pussy and turn it down if offered.
We smoke cigarettes in the court yard when we were done. Even though I only had one hit I was flying high. It felt like we were smoking those cigarettes for hours, maybe even days but it was only fifteen minutes. I don't like to smoke cigs after weed so I kept wondering why it was taking the boys so long to finish. Everything was profoundly funny.
Pot Head had to leave to go into shelter. We continued watching movies upstairs. After we finished "The Lorax" (which Pot Head picked to watch first) we watched "Seven". Now, we're watching "Dark Shadows". I'm less than thrilled about this movie choice. I can only watch Johnny Depp and Tim Burton regurgitate the same movie so many times. But roomie wanted to see it so I humor him.
We haven't cut into the pie yet so I don't know how I did on my first pie but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes when we're done with the movies. I intend on taking some ham to Flora to see what she thinks of my first ten pound ham.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Nothing better than celebrating the mass genocide of Indians by stuffing your face full of food! (jk)
--mm
I decided to sign up for a food basket at the college for my dorm. Every year the student government makes food baskets for anyone who wants them. I figured what the hell? It couldn't hurt. When I picked it up on Tuesday they also gave me a $10 gift certificate for a ham or turkey. The items in the food basket besides caned veggies and soup were things like stuffing and marshmallows. So I figured damn, let's just have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Even though it was last minute I figured we should see ourselves above the idea that not having a family makes you inferior. We can be celebratory and happy and thankful without a Leave it to Beaver holiday.
Wednesday I got out of school early and came home to try and catch my case manager and/or Bernard. I didn't catch either of them. Bernard was supposed to give me the information on how to get in contact with Houdini so I can visit him in jail. My case manager is just near impossible to meet with lately. I'm exasperated with it.
I then went to try and find Kitten Lady at either day program but she wasn't around. I went to Winco to get the last of the supplies to make Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first attempt to make the full meal ever. I've never made a ham. I've never made pumpkin pie. Still, I'm going to try.
When I got home I quickly made up my orgasm in your mouth chicken. While it was in the oven I ran by shelter to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no sign of her. No one has seen her in a week. I went back home and finished up dinner.
After dinner was finished just about the entire third floor ambushed Zelda in her office, mostly just for the hell of it. I brought her a chicken breast but apparently she's "mostly vegan". -sigh-. After this there was another round of grocery shopping at Safeway in which much of our groceries were stolen (and a meat thermometer).
After dropping off the groceries my roommate and I went on a hunt for Kitten Lady. We walked around downtown for over an hour but no sign of her. She wasn't at any of her sleeping spots. I'm starting to get really worried.
On Thanksgiving I woke up at about 11:30. Something crazy was going on in the day program that involved a lot of noise. I made a full breakfast feast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, coffee. It took me until 12:30 which was conveniently the time the lone roommate that stayed home for Thanksgiving woke up. We ate and watched the newest episode of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. My little rock star Asia is still in the running! Top five!
After breakfast we went on a hunt to find movies to watch for dinner. We got Dark Shadows, Madagascar Three, and The Lorax from the Red Box rental thing. Then I bought Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Seven from Every Day Music.
I watched National Lampoon's while I cooked dinner. I have mass nostalgia with that movie. I grew up on it. As we were going in and out we popped our heads in the day program to look for Kitten Lady. Still, no one has seen her. One of the staff in the day program walked me through how to cook a ham. I adore her. She's very motherly to everyone which is unique.
She is the only one out of all of our programs that mothers people the way she does. No one else seems to be parent figurely besides her. And really, if anyone tried to be our parents it wouldn't go well. But Flora, gets away with it. She also breaks up fights by offering youth cigarettes, a practice expressly forbidden in the day program.
We had everything for dinner: candied yams, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole ham, biscuits, and (homemade) pie. The sweet potatoes need a little work, they overflowed a bit. The green beans were made with cream of chicken soup instead of mushroom because my roommate is highly allergic to mushrooms. Just as well, I don't like them either. Cream of chicken actually worked a lot better I think. What I forgot were the small things: butter in the yams, pepper in the casserole, the little details that don't really mean much but for me as an oober perfectionist it bugged me.
I've never cooked a ham or made a pie before and I've never done such an extensive meal all at once but I refused my roommates' offers for help. I wanted to prove I could do it all. The meal wasn't perfect but I more than proved myself. Pot Head and Moby also came over for dinner. Moby has become our honorary roommate because his pod is empty and he finds it creepy. We've talked about him moving into our dorm so we don't end up with someone crazy if they let more people upstairs.
After dinner we went out and smoked some of Pot Head's ak-47. I've smoked it at least twice now. It makes your lungs feel like they are full of glass. I took one hit tonight and promptly threw up. I felt like I might but I wasn't sure so I hopped up and ran away from the boys. A few feet and I coughed hard and projected vomit onto the ground. I was happy the boys didn't offer me any more weed when I was done. I didn't want anymore but didn't want to be a pussy and turn it down if offered.
We smoke cigarettes in the court yard when we were done. Even though I only had one hit I was flying high. It felt like we were smoking those cigarettes for hours, maybe even days but it was only fifteen minutes. I don't like to smoke cigs after weed so I kept wondering why it was taking the boys so long to finish. Everything was profoundly funny.
Pot Head had to leave to go into shelter. We continued watching movies upstairs. After we finished "The Lorax" (which Pot Head picked to watch first) we watched "Seven". Now, we're watching "Dark Shadows". I'm less than thrilled about this movie choice. I can only watch Johnny Depp and Tim Burton regurgitate the same movie so many times. But roomie wanted to see it so I humor him.
We haven't cut into the pie yet so I don't know how I did on my first pie but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes when we're done with the movies. I intend on taking some ham to Flora to see what she thinks of my first ten pound ham.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Nothing better than celebrating the mass genocide of Indians by stuffing your face full of food! (jk)
--mm
Friday, November 16, 2012
Favor for a Friend?
A friend that I haven't talked to in awhile posted on Facebook that his younger sister was killed in a car crash last night. She was only eighteen. His family is very close and as you can imagine devastated. I've currently put down other crochet projects to make a prayer shawl/blanket for him. He has requested people's thoughts and prayers during this hard time. I don't really care what deity you believe in (he doesn't either) or if you believe in no deities at all. Just, if you can, and are willing, keep him and his family in your prayers and/or thoughts right now. If you'd like to pass a message along to the grieving family you can message me and I can help facilitate that.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Shame
Firstly, I would like to say I'm really proud of America this election. I couldn't be happier with how things turned out (except maybe if Measure 80 had passed) and I'm proud that people were not only standing up for women's rights this election but also the rights of the LBGTQ community and supporting candidates that are part of that community. I'm happy with the direction our country is going.
Earlier today someone I considered a friend messaged me on Facebook and told me I should be ashamed of myself with being in transitional housing like I am. She tried to taunt me by saying, "How many days have you been homeless now?" Apparently being in housing is the same as being in a shelter.
When I told her that she should respect where I'm at in life or stop messaging me she told me I was self-absorbed and blocked me off Facebook. I was already intending on blocking her. I don't need people who think that way in my life and I reject the idea that I should feel shame for where I've been.
As far as being "self absorbed" I think this friend was merely projecting her own attitudes onto me. However, at the same time I don't care about much else than taking care of myself right now. Trying to be there for people hasn't gotten me anywhere and I find that most people don't return the favor. I'm there for people when I can be but right now my priority is me.
When it comes to being ashamed of where I live there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent this. It could have happened to anyone. Most people my age are still living off their parents. I have friends in their 30's that still in some ways depend on their parents in some ways. If these kids that are my age aren't living with their parents they are being housed in college dorms.
I don't have parents. I don't have family. At the end of the day all I have is myself. I think it's reasonable to admit that at 21 I can't do it all on my own. I've been on my own since I was 16. I did okay but I couldn't manage it and being sick.
After the whole mug shot incident I sat down with our adviser of the newspaper. She told me, "Well, you know how journalists are. They don't mean anything by it. You've had a really hard year but it's over now. You're moving forward. You're back [in school]. You're working. It doesn't matter."
Savior Man told me shortly before I got into housing, "Some people spend years being homeless; you did it in one summer. That's something good."
There are kids who have been in shelter for years. There are kids that will never get out. There are adults that have been on the streets since they were younger than me. Once while bullshitting with Gauges Guys at the day program he said, "Where do you think all the homeless people on Burnside came from? They were all here ten years ago."
It's sad but true. But, I am not one of those people. I have exceeded the expectations I set for myself. I'm in school. I'm working. I have a place to live. I'm not in a shelter. I'm proud of myself. I may not be proud of every decision I've made. I may not be proud of what it took to get here but I am proud of what I'm doing with this. I am proud of where I'm going. It's not about what I've been through. It's about where I'm going and what I'm doing until I get there.
--mm
Earlier today someone I considered a friend messaged me on Facebook and told me I should be ashamed of myself with being in transitional housing like I am. She tried to taunt me by saying, "How many days have you been homeless now?" Apparently being in housing is the same as being in a shelter.
When I told her that she should respect where I'm at in life or stop messaging me she told me I was self-absorbed and blocked me off Facebook. I was already intending on blocking her. I don't need people who think that way in my life and I reject the idea that I should feel shame for where I've been.
As far as being "self absorbed" I think this friend was merely projecting her own attitudes onto me. However, at the same time I don't care about much else than taking care of myself right now. Trying to be there for people hasn't gotten me anywhere and I find that most people don't return the favor. I'm there for people when I can be but right now my priority is me.
When it comes to being ashamed of where I live there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent this. It could have happened to anyone. Most people my age are still living off their parents. I have friends in their 30's that still in some ways depend on their parents in some ways. If these kids that are my age aren't living with their parents they are being housed in college dorms.
I don't have parents. I don't have family. At the end of the day all I have is myself. I think it's reasonable to admit that at 21 I can't do it all on my own. I've been on my own since I was 16. I did okay but I couldn't manage it and being sick.
After the whole mug shot incident I sat down with our adviser of the newspaper. She told me, "Well, you know how journalists are. They don't mean anything by it. You've had a really hard year but it's over now. You're moving forward. You're back [in school]. You're working. It doesn't matter."
Savior Man told me shortly before I got into housing, "Some people spend years being homeless; you did it in one summer. That's something good."
There are kids who have been in shelter for years. There are kids that will never get out. There are adults that have been on the streets since they were younger than me. Once while bullshitting with Gauges Guys at the day program he said, "Where do you think all the homeless people on Burnside came from? They were all here ten years ago."
It's sad but true. But, I am not one of those people. I have exceeded the expectations I set for myself. I'm in school. I'm working. I have a place to live. I'm not in a shelter. I'm proud of myself. I may not be proud of every decision I've made. I may not be proud of what it took to get here but I am proud of what I'm doing with this. I am proud of where I'm going. It's not about what I've been through. It's about where I'm going and what I'm doing until I get there.
--mm
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