No Water. No Rest.

I don't have the time nor the energy to thoughtfully post today but there is so much going on right now I must list the chaos around me. I messed up my hormone medication so my ovary is screaming like a toddler without ice cream. I slept all day. Tensions in downtown are enormously high right now. There is no water. All fountains have been shut off due to e coli poisoning. Only what is given out by businesses and services are what we have. With it being the weekend there are no services until 1pm. That means no water until 1pm in the afternoons when it's awfully hot outside. Then after 5pm there is nothing until 9pm. It is 8:11pm right now and I've had one glass of water and a bit of KL's backwash out of a bottle she had drunk most of.  I do not know what the city is going to do with the thousands of homeless people who have now had their water shut off. I am worried. Not only for myself but for the city as a whole. Tensions were high before the water crisis. I do not know what people are going to do now. All the bridges have been swept which means hundreds (maybe thousands) have been forced to leave their homes. Where will they go? There's nothing left for us. We have no water. We may not sit with our property for more than two hours. We may not erect "structures" to protect us from heat or rain. No "camping" by using blankets and sleeping bags. And now there is no more water and no notice of what the city intends to do for us without water in the summer. I do not know what is going to happen but I have a feeling something is going to have to.

50 Reasons to Protest

1. On an average night in Portland 2,000 people sleep outside.
 2. 5,000 others are experiencing some form of homelessness: sleeping in shelters, cars, couch surfing or in transitional housing.
3. Homelessness in Multnomah County jumped 8% between 2009-2011.

4. Lack of sanitary public bathrooms is a health risk for all people, not just those that are homeless.
5. Because everyone deserves a safe place to sleep.
6. Protest for the 2.8 million youth that run away each year.
7. Because no one deserves to be judged by the number of zeroes (or lack there of) in their bank accounts.

8. Because riot police vs. citizens is not democracy.

9. Because democracy only works when everyone has an equal chance/say.
10. Because of where our government is spending money.
11. Because losing the free rail zone immobilizes homeless people. 
12. Because sending young girls to sleep outside is dangerous and stupid.
13. Because everyone has the right to dream.
14. To feel empowered.
15. To allow homeless people to regain their dignity.
16. Because "just get a job" is not a realistic answer.
17. Because stopping services for foster children at the age of 18 is preventing them from gaining the ability to take care of themselves.
18. To be family to a street kid who has none.
19. Because the streets shouldn't be the end of the road.
20. Because children shouldn't sleep outside.
21. Because you are one of the 99%.
22. To practice your constitutional right of free speech.
23. To give voice to those that have none.

24.

 

25. Because 39% of the homeless population are children under the age of 18.
26. Because 46% of homeless youth are escaping physical violence.
27. Because 80% of girls who runaway report being sexually abused.
28. Because this year 5,000 homeless youth will die on the streets.
29. Because 17% of homeless youth are HIV positive.
30. Because no one likes to be invisible. You can help the homeless people be seen.
31. Because 25% of former foster care youth will be homeless.
32. Because hate and ignorance hurts.

33. Because youth ages 12-17 are more at risk of homelessness than adults.

34.

35. Because the average age of the first homeless episode is 14.7 years old.
36. Protest for the over 50% of homeless youth who were kicked out by their parents or their parents knew they were leaving and didn't care. Protest to show them someone cares about them.
37. Protest for the 13 homeless youth that will die on the streets today.
38. Because homeless youth suffer three times the amounts of stomach problems, 50% more ear infections, and twice the amount of hospitalizations.
39. Because 66% of homeless youth have a parent with a drug or alcohol problem.
40. Because democracy only works when people speak up against injustice.

41. Because it could be your sister/niece/daughter on the streets.
42. Because you have nothing left to lose.
43. Because I need your support.
44. Because if you've read this far down the list you must care at least a little bit.
45. Because tourist season should not mean you have nowhere else to go.

46. Because life is easier when people help each other.
47.  Because 32% of homeless youth have attempted suicide at some point in their lives.
48. Because you are bigger than your bank account.
49. Because 48.2% of youth living on the streets report being pregnant.
50. Because homeless youth need you to.

***More than willing to post any/all resources for these statistics. I got them from a collection of sites that I did not properly keep track of. Will backtrack to get the information later. Also, I know most of my readers do not live in Portland and thus cannot be a part of rallies and what not. I will provide a list of ways people can help and update this post at a time. I need to go and get ready for today's protest right now though. Keep us in your thoughts.***

Day Forty-Nine

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

I feel groggy and confused when I wake up. I try to shake it off but I feel sickly and tired. It's one of those mornings too. Apparently, one of my contacts didn't make it into the contact case last night so I have to shuffle around the dorm to try and find it. I don't know what I'll do if I don't find it. Buying a new case of contacts isn't in the cards for me right now and I have no back up glasses.

I had intended to make myself look presentable but in the end I just say, fuck it and go. I grab the baggie of food I took from the kitchen and what is left of our bag of pistachios. I meet Kitten Lady outside and eat the nuts as we walk dropping the shells behind me.

Breakfast at Day Program #2 is somewhat more resembling real food today. They have pancakes, eggs and bacon. I feed the bacon to Tweak and eat the pancakes with my fingers. Tweak eat 3 slices without me even breaking them up for her. She goes after my eggs but I try to push her away. She is successful and runs off with the bit of eggs. They taste like powder so I just let her have them anyway.

We go to the library after breakfast. I'm trying to get better on my consistency on this blog. I struggle with what to say. I find it hard to believe so many people would care about my ramblings on the strange things that tend to happen to me. Sometimes I bore myself. Yet, for whatever reason people still come here and read this. I know because blogger stalks all of you and page views go up every time I log in. Not only that but I have page views from all over the world. Hi there UK and Russia and North Korea. I feel really honored that you are reading this.

While I'm working on the blog I receive a Facebook invite. It's one of those Facebook friends that you only know because they are a friend of a friend and you only see each other in groups and you'll probably never be BFF's. And seeing as I've fallen out with that group I'll probably never hang out with him again. Obviously, he has no idea I have been homeless for the past 49 days. However, he sent a mass invite to all of his Facebook friends to this rally for Cameron Whitten's 50th day without food. I'm intrigued.

I do some research and discover that Cameron Whitten was born exactly a day after me. Not only that but his protest began the same day I became a part of Portland street/shelter culture. These uncanny similarities make me feel drawn to this movement and I feel I need to get on board or at least do some more research.

I'm thirsty and we are out of funds so KL and I walk to Fred Meyer to scam them again by our little trick of buying only cookie dough and stealing other food we need. Then we get bowls from the soup section and fill them with soda from the fountain. Shortly after it's time for lunch so we walk back to Nafy who is serving some sort of inedible cardboard pizza. I'm grateful I filled up on cookie dough.

I'm still wiped out and not hungry enough to eat cardboard so I walk over to the elephant park by Nafy so I can take a nap. I lay down on my sleeping bag and read until I doze off. When I first came here I was so embarrassed that I refused to do t his. I would have rather been dead on my feet than sit on the sidewalk and have people take note of my homelessness. I've since learned there is no hiding it. Somehow people always just know. Why bother constantly moving when it people know the truth anyways? I wake up at 3pm thanks to a call from an 800 number. I'm still weary so I sit up and eat a biscuit, stretch and contemplate what to do with myself. I roll up the sleeping bag and make my way back up to the library.

Being caught up on the blog I don't know what I really should do online. I end up doing more research on the 50 day rally. The more I know the more I know I need to get involved. The similarities between myself and Cameron are too much to pass up. Here is what we have in common:
*Birthdays. I am 4/7/1991 and he is 4/8/1991.
*We both have an affiliation with First Unitarian Church
*We have both stayed in the Jaunas youth program.
*He has been hungry for 49 days. I have been homeless for 49 days.

I end my research in time for dinner so I go only because I don't think I'll make it until 9pm on just cookie dough. Dinner is semi-edible shepherd's pie. I eat it moving the ground beef to the side because it looks suspicious. I give my left overs to Roxy the puppy and head out. I get on the max and go to City Hall. I want to see what is going on and what I can personally do to be involved.

I walk down the block and fine many people sleeping on top of blankets and sleeping bags on the side walk. They are careful not to cover themselves with the blankets because this is considered "camping" and is illegal. They aren't much different from street kid camps though. The saddest sign I see says "Foreclosure + Job Loss = Homeless." It hits too close to home as my family lost our house my senior year of high school due to foreclosure. It had been in our family for 20 years before that.

I see the boy that appears to be Cameron talking off to the side with a lady. I don't like to interrupt so I walk around the block to find a bathroom. I take my time walking back to the City Hall building. A vigil has been set up out front so I stop by and read the prayers and requests people have left.

It looks like the conversation between the lady and Cameron is ending so I walk slowly in that direction reading the signs. Finally, Cameron is done with the lady but I realize I don't know what to say. I feel like a creepy stalker. There's a cat at his feet, rolling around and playing so being more inclined to deal with critters I sit on my heels to play with her to open up conversation. He says someone dumped her on him and left. Sound familiar? When asked if she has a name he says, "I call her hungry."

When I ask him what got him started he tells me about how sleeping at Occupy Portland was the first time he slept outside. He was arrested four times for the Occupy movement and ran for mayor. "The world is so messed up I figured that it was worth dying to try and change something," he tells me.
"Will you die?" I ask.
"Not very quickly."

He says the reason he picked homelessness as his cause was because of the city trying to shut down R2D2. R2D2 is a camping community for homeless people that has been around for years. Standing for "Right to Dream too" the camp tries to provide a safe place for people to sleep. Right now the city is fining them $2,000 a month in an attempt to close it down. This was the straw that broke Cameron's back and thus the protest was born.

He's skinny, obviously but looks relatively healthy. His arms both have bandages from getting blood drawn at the doctor's. They say he is doing really well for someone that hasn't eaten in 49 days. He's soft spoken, calm and rational. He smiles and laughs and jokes. This is not what I would expect from someone starved for 49 days.

"What will it take for you to eat again?" I ask.
"I don't know," he says, "I just don't know yet."
He talks about what he intends to do for day 70. Seventy days without food? I almost want to talk him out of it. I really hope tomorrow something magical happens so the kid can eat.

"Do you think they'll bring the riot police out again?" I ask referring to Occupy Portland.
"Naw," he shrugs, "There will be mayoral candidates there. Rallies don't really change anything. They just get people involved."
I nod. I still hope for magic. All those Disney movies you know?

I'm as socially awkward as Director Lady in Nafy but I'm not sure what to say so I ramble. If I were him I'd rprobably freak myself out. I can really be a creep sometimes. We swap blog information then I say my goodbyes to him and Hungry.

I find KL and Houdini at McDonalds. We are all feeling happy today. "People say they don't understand why we hang out when we have nothing in common," KL says.
"We have a lot more in common than people think." I say

Houdini and KL go outside to spange while I stay in McDonalds with my notebook. The manager comes up to me. He's pulling on his tie like he's going into an important job interview he's not quite qualified for. "You guys have to leave," he mumbles.
"What am I doing wrong?" I ask.
This time I can honestly say I'm innocent I've been engrossed in my notebook.
"You've sat here too long. Leave."
He can't even make eye contact he's so scared. "Whatever," I say and keep writing.

I don't move until I see KL walk by ten minutes later. I go outside and yell for her to come in. "I'm going to start talking shit," I warn her.

She comes in and we sit back down. The manager eyes us and sends one of his employees to tell us we need to go.
"Your manager is a pussy." I say.
KL pales. "Please don't do this," she begs.
"No," I cut her off, "What kind of a wimp waits until I'm all alone with no big black guy to kick all three of us out. And then uses his employee as back up?"
The employee girl says, "I'm just the messenger."
"Well my message is that your manager is a pussy. And he has to wait for the big black man before we leave."

The girl looks unsure of what to do. She says "okay" and slowly backs away and as if on cue Houdini reappears. We gather up our stuff and KL goes to the manager and says, "I don't know what happened but I apologize."
I talk over her, "You are a wimp. What kind of manager waits until you've got a little girl all alone to kick the big black man out? You waited until I was alone on purpose you pussy. You're a coward."
KL wants to kill me. She is right that if we're banned from here we're fucked. But she should know that once I start talking shit I can't stop. The manager looks at me dumbstruck.
"Now who looks stupid," I say as I walk out.

I wait for KL and Houdini outside on the benches outside of the Dollar Tree while they spange. I hear a loud boom coming from the fountain so I run in that direction to see what happened. Jesus put off a gigantic fire work. Multiple people have already called the police. I'm pissed. He's going to get all of us in trouble. How many times has he gotten the police called on us now?

He brags about it outside of shelter saying her burned when of the girls when he set it off. "Dumbass," i say and he tells me to shut up. I'm really sick of the police being called on us all the time because of the stupid shit he does.

In front of shelter, right under the camera, Tweak sticks her butt up in the air as she does a paw stand in KL's purse. I push her down cursing. No one was minding the camera though because KL still gets up safe and sound so I can sleep inside and in peace.

I wait for 9pm to come while downstairs people buzz up. One of the boys who helped me search for KL points to me and says, "I like her. That girl always gets her way. She's a good friend to have on your side."
I grin, "Damn straight."

Upstairs Houdini and I devour some Redvines he bought. We loooooove licorice. Ginger Kid is ranting about how shelter is "evil" but "90% of the people here don't even know it." I swear that kid is really special. The movie pick is Inspector Gadget. It won over X-Men 3 unanimously. It sends us into a 90's media nostalgia rampage. We talk along with the previews of old Disney movies we grew up with. We may be in our 20's but we remember every line. It actually raises the atmosphere quite a bit as we act like little kids talking about Saturday morning cartoons and throwing around Skittles.

Shelter has flyers up for tomorrow's rally. I wonder who if anyone will go and what will happen.

--mm

Cameron Whitten

Cameron Whitten is exactly one day younger than me. The exact same day I showed up homeless in Portland he began carrying out a hunger strike at our city hall. Tomorrow will be my 50th day homeless in Portland. It will be his 50th day hungry. I like this correlation. I feel connected to the movement with the way it aligns with my own homelessness. In honor of his 50 days there will be a protest out front of City Hall.

I actually heard about this when I went to church on Sunday but forgot about it until a Facebook friend invited me to the event. I intend to go. I feel attracted to this. Lately, things have been a lot harder on street kids. Cops are cracking down to put us out of sight from tourists. We don't have anywhere to go. Shelter is overflowing. It feels like things are spiraling out of control and something is going to have to happen. Tempers on both sides are rising.

For every homeless person there are five vacant houses. Something in out country is not working, because it makes no sense for empty houses to out number homeless people. I'm not going to lie and say I know what the solution to this problem is. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm really just a little homeless kid. I know nothing about how these things work all I know is right now, this system isn't working.

I'm excited to see what happens tomorrow.

--mm

Day Forty-Eight

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

We wake up to the sound of someone unlocking the gate beneath us. There is a lot of banging in the storage room under the roof we are sleeping on. Oh God. My heart is pounding so hard I think the people beneath us must also hear it. We lie still. We don't even breathe. Kitten Lady glances over the wall to see what's going on. A Mexican man is mowing the lawn of the church courtyard. It sounds like there are people in the storage room moving supplies around. 

We try to wait it out but we need to get to Day Program #2 before they stop serving breakfast. I don't know what to do. It's not as scary as being caught at night, when you have nowhere to go but it's still terrifying. We are trespassing which is kind of a big deal should the church decide to press charges on us. KL jumps down and I try to throw the bags and kitten to her as fast as we can whenever the landscaper's back is turned to us. Finally, he spots me. We make direct eye contact so we can't even pretend we don't see each other. Nothing left to do but jump down. 

My feet land on the ground with a thud. The man looks at me confused wondering why there are little girls jumping from the sky outside of his church. We grab our stuff and try to walk away casually. A white man stands on the other side of the wall holding the door open. He looks at us and laughs. Finally, I start to breathe again.

We walk to #2 but by the time we arrive they've stopped serving. All that's left are flavorless, dry biscuits. I eat three. Being a criminal makes me hungry. Without a proper breakfast in our tummies we go to McDonalds. On our way KL says, "You know if you were a guy or we were lesbians you'd probably be my soul mate." Neither of us are really happy with Houdini refusing to go out. It's not that I mind sleeping outside. I don't. It's the lack of concern. I get us an ice cream and a cinnamon roll even though I'm getting dangerously low on funds. KL goes outside to socialize with some street kids while I stay in on my laptop. 

"Look at them, they're nasty." I hear a fat lady saying, "Why don't they just get a hotel room?"

I seriously think I am going to throw up. Here is a fat lady standing at McDonalds shoveling fries and soda down her throat and she judges us? The lady is looking out the window as if the group of street  kids spanging is an exhibit at the zoo. She shrieks, "Look that one has a little kitten. I should go rip that kitten out of her hands. If you can't afford a house you don't deserve a kitten."

I'm so disgusted I honestly have no idea what to even say to this lady. Even with everything that has happened in the past 50ish days I am shocked and appalled by this woman and her husband standing there bullying young kids who couldn't afford a house even if they weren't homeless. Could she afford a house at 18 and 21? I doubt it. I bang on the window hard and tell KL to come in. The lady and her husband and leave, smart enough not to attempt to take that kitten away. Pretty sure KL would kill a bitch if she fucked with her kitten. She's had enough with cat trauma. After they leave I remember we have pepper spray. I wish that bitch would have tried to touch her kitten. KL would have pepper sprayed her ass. 

We may be broke, but at least we aren't disgusting. At least we know how to treat our fellow human beings. At least until they irritate me. (haha). 

We sit outside with the street kids for a few minutes after that. We pass a cigarette around and joke. They have two dogs, one of which lays its head in my lap. When it gets close to time for the library to open we head in that direction. Houdini shows up there looking for KL. She can't find her wallet which ends up being a crisis as it has her money, bank card, social security card, and pin numbers in it. We go back to where we slept but the spot is swarming with people. There is no way we can jump up and look. We call Fred Meyer and they don't have it. Fuck.

We go to #2 for lunch which is a really crappy rendition of flavorless mac n cheese. We can't turn our noses up at it though, we are out of food stamps. We find a thing of zucchini bread and a blue berry muffin in a box of groceries staff are unloading. We devour those too. Out of snacks we ask one of the guys if he has any. He provides cookies, fruit by the foots and fruit snacks. In about three minutes all of those are gone. Why the hell are we so damn hungry now that we are out of food stamps?

Neither of us feel like doing anything so we hang out at #2. Flippy Hair Guy's buddy that runs rec group starts talking to me. He says that the AMP program used to make a magazine and he's thinking about getting it started back up. He asks if I write or do any form of art. I laugh. Do I write? Nah. I go on a rant about how I was a journalist before all this mess and a damn good one too. I do really miss it. 

KL comes out of the bathroom screaming for me. I think she's puked all over the place again and we have to make a run for it. Instead she shows me how much pus came out of a zit she just popped. That girl is going to give me a heart attack and kill me. Later she tells me she left the pus on the soap dispenser for others to see. Yeah, I think I hang out with weird people. 

KL starts doing her make up with the little bits she has left. She is out of eye liner which is more than she can bear. "It's so sad that the only people who have eye liner here are the boys," she laments. 

I take a shower and bring the kitten with me since she peed on us last night. Tailia loved showers. Tweak does not. She cries the whole time and when we come out she looks like a pitiful wet rat. I bundle her in a towel and say, "It's what you get for peeing on stuff when you're perfectly potty trained."

Director Lady from shelter comes in. It's kind of awkward to see her not in her natural habitat of shelter. She feels awkward too. She shyly sits down at the table with me and KL and looks around like she's waiting for the popular kids to beat her up or some guy to go off his rocker and shoot her. She is so horribly uncomfortable she makes me feel awkward for her. 

She pets KL's cat which I think is kind of ironic, seeing as if she saw this cat in shelter KL would be seriously fucked. (I guess I would be fucked too since I don't let her sleep outside alone anymore.) She asks me where we slept last night, if we had somewhere safe to go to. Again, I find this ironic. Most of the time she kicks people out with no concern of where they are going. It's so odd to see her outside of her job description. I do not know what to do with her, especially since she looks as pitiful as Tweak did when we first got her. 

"We have a spot we go to," I tell her, "It's hard if there's only one person but with two it's a really good spot. No one can see you. We're pretty sure the cops got called on us last night but even they didn't find us."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I think they thought we had hopped the  fence to sleep in the court yard or something. It was scary. We just stayed quiet and hid. It was like Anne Frank status up in there."

She laughs in a way that says she really shouldn't want to laugh but she can't help it. She asks if we're comfortable outside. I shrug, "I actually kind of like sleeping outside. As long as you have a spot where you feel safe you get better sleep than in shelter and you get to sleep in."

This is an idea that has never occurred to Director Lady. I watch it register in her face that street kids never get to sleep in unless they sleep outside. I wonder how long she's gone without ever pressing the snooze button once. She gives up on the youth she's waiting to meet with and leaves. She says if she finds KL's wallet in shelter she'll call my cell phone.

I really don't know what to think of Director Lady. KL hates her. She says she is nice to the point of being passively rude. I like her for the most part I think. I really think she tries to be fair but is naive to how it really is for us or what is going on behind the scenes. At this point I've written so many grievance reports when I hand them into her she just laughs and says we'll talk later. She told me my most recent one was, "very well written." When I told KL this later she laughed. Director Lady can now judge my writing through an abundance of grievance reports. In all honesty though, she's not all bad and her naive nature may be helping us more than we know. She genuinely believes us when we say the kitten stays with KL's aunt at night. And she just happens to live two blocks from shelter. She also thought that if you get caught sleeping outside it's not a big deal; you won't get in trouble just asked to move. If only it worked that way.

I go up and take a nap on the couch with the kitten. KL lays on my legs. She wakes me up for dinner but I don't feel like moving. It's not that I was even tired. We got really good sleep last night after things calmed down.  I'm just cozy and bored. I go back to sleep until they wake us up to leave. 

KL got some shorts out of the clothing closet. She asks me to try and sell them at the Buffalo Exchange since she has gone there to sell clothes too many times. They accept both pairs for $5. It's better than nothing. KL comes in with the kitten and the manager on duty asks, "Are you selling her?" 

"No." We both almost shout. 

"We went through too much trouble for this kitten." I say, "She is stuck with us now." 

We take the money and head to Starbucks. Some boys are rapping into an amp speaker across the street. They are actually talented little white rappers. Not only that but they are intelligent and don't rap about prostitutes or anything nasty. KL jumps in and raps a verse with them and they cheer surprised that the little white girl can rap. 

After we are done rapping on the side walk I go to Starbucks to sit while she tries to find Houdini. She promises she will just run to the food court and back. I see her walk past once but time trickles by and there's no sign of her for awhile. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start calling her Houdini. I wait until 8pm then start to worry. We need to get her into shelter tonight. I can't stay out two nights in a row. I'd get kicked out of shelter. I grab both our bags (she left me hers to watch) and go look for her in the food cart. No sign of her. Goddamnit. 

I regret moving because I just increased the possibility of us missing each other. I walk to the fountain where I see Director Lady kicking a group of us out for violating the two block rule. I walk by and smile at her, as innocent as I can be. Of course, I'm just passing through to get to Fred Meyer. I'm certainly not hanging out at the fountain. 

I sit on the concrete outside of the Dollar Tree and wait for KL. Someone finds me and says, "Home girl is at the bus stop." I yell for her to come to the Dollar Tree. Drama Girl is following her, once again, like a lost puppy. Ugh. She really drains me. I do notice that ever since she's been trying to befriend KL she has a lot less back acne. Wonder where all those zits have gone. 

KL says she got back to Starbucks at 8:12. When I wasn't there she knew I was out at the fountain. I really need to practice my patience. 12 more minutes and we would have found each other and Drama Girl probably wouldn't be on our heels. 

"You know how when you get really mad at Houdini and you say he better hope he's arrested?" I ask KL.

She starts laughing, "That's how you felt?"

"Yes." 

We have just enough time for me to run and pee at McDonalds and then go into shelter. We get her upstairs safely. I'm relieved that we are both inside safely. The one disadvantage of sleeping outside is my body aches the next few days. I need Ibuprofen and a nice bed and pillow for a little while. 

In shelter we have the house meeting. The house meeting is held every Wednesday night at 9:30pm. People write up things they want discussed each week. We can vote on things that we want brought to staff meetings to have them changed. We actually do change things too. My first night here people were required to do chores even on their very first night. We voted to have that vetoed and allow new comers to have one night chore free or receive a nonuse. 

I'm not sure if I explained nonuses previously. But they are credits for doing extra chores, being in shelter for five consecutive days or attending house meeting. Doing dishes gives you a nonuse because it's such a lengthy chore. And because I usually do both upstairs and downstairs dishes I get two. That plus attending house meeting make Wednesdays a pretty fruitful night for me. 3 nonuses in one night is pretty bad ass. 

After house meeting I throw my laundry in the washer and hide out in the dorm until it's time to do dishes. Vampire Girl and Ginger Kid's Girlfriend are both out for the night which means I have my dorm to myself. It's a nice change. I lay in bed eating Starbursts and reading. It's nice to have some quiet space and privacy.


I switch my load in the dryer then head downstairs to do dishes. It's a low volume night. Only two trays from downstairs and one from upstairs. Nazi Man visits with me for a little bit. He asks me how I like upstairs.


"I don't know," I say, "It's really quiet. It's boring but I like having a locker."
"At least you don't have to worry about getting a bed," he says, "We've been filling up in under five minutes."
"I've noticed. That's not normal for summer is it? It didn't fill up at all when I was downstairs."
"No, it's not normal."
"Do you know why?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea."


I ask about a box of reject pastries from Whole Foods that are sitting on the counter top. He tells me to help myself. Don't mind if I do. I eat one of the muffins. It's pretty gnarly as it's one of those healthy nut foods with flax in it. I'm starving though so I eat it while I stack plates and bowls in their designated spots. I put the kitchen back to functional and scan the box.


Nazi Man did tell me to help myself. I take a large chocolate cookie, three biscuits, two muffins, banana bread and stuff them in one of the little boxes. I throw them in with my bag of pistachios upstairs. KL and I will be able to eat tomorrow without wasting money. 

I pull my clothes out of the dryer then take a shower. Putting on pajamas fresh and warm from the dryer makes me happy. I fold my laundry sitting on my heels. Only a few night owls are still awake. It's damn near silent. I lay in bed and read until my eyes can't even stay open then I fall asleep. 

I dream that my estranged father is dying yet still rejects me even when I try to help him on his deathbed. 

--mm

Day Forty-Seven

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

Day 47 was apparently so boring that now that it is Day 48 I cannot for the life of me remember what we did. During morning chores the staff lady makes me clean the bathroom mirror three times. When she tries to make me go back and do it again a fourth time I refuse telling her to take a nonuse. She continues to carry on, saying she's going to take a picture of the mirror and show it to Director Lady so she can know I'm incompetent at cleaning mirrors. I tell her go right ahead and grab a grievance report.

We go to breakfast at #2. Their breakfast is not nearly as good as #1's but seeing as it is #2 or starve we go. Both Kitten Lady and I are exhausted for no real reason. We go into #2's computer lab where we sleep on the floor. Some staff guy comes in and started kicking people out saying only those working on their GED can stay.

"Do you girls want to work on your GED today?" he asks us.
I am actually really offended by this. I may be homeless but I graduated high school thank you very much.

We roll over and get up, irritated. We go to the library where KL goes out to spange and look for a cigarette. I stay until lunch. She was supposed to come back to the library but I figure she just went to #2 instead of coming back when I don't see her.

I figured right and find her sitting outside of #2 smoking a cigarette. We grab lunch; hamburgers on hot dog buns. I feed the kitten some of the cheese off of my burger and she eats it as if we've been starving her. We have now found the kitten's  dietary habits: pistachio ice cream and cheese. We go to Fred Meyer where I work on writing grievance reports while KL eats Captain Crunch and we share some cookie dough. We leave to sit at the benches by the Dollar Tree before heading back to #2 for dinner.

It's a fully edible day at #2 today. Dinner is spaghetti. They open the clothing closet and some guy tips us off that they have new stuff. I snag two shirts and a pair of really cute blue jeans. #2 closes so we go to the library. The kitten lays across my arm and manages to poop on me. She  does get a turd directly in my hoodie pocket which is pretty nifty I guess.

KL grabs napkins so we can get the poop out of her fur before we go into the library. We then hide her in KL's sweat pants and go to the third floor so we can wash the poop off of the kitten and me. The third floor is the literature section so it is rarely used and mostly forgotten about so the bathroom on that floor is usually a pretty good bet if you need to drop a duce or something.

Except, tonight they are having a reception on that floor. Dammit. KL steals some juice from the reception. I change into the clothes from the clothing closet. I have to jump up and down to get the jeans on as I am definitely getting fat from being homeless. Once they are on though I love them. I just need to lay off the cookie dough bad.

We go to use computers and KL decides she wants to spange. She comes up several times asking me if Houdini has called. He hasn't. She is supposed to stay right outside the library so I can find her when it closes or vice versa. I had promised not to leave until she came back. It gets close to closing time so I sit outside the library and read swinging my feet and listening to music.

Nazi Man comes out of the library, "Go get a job." I yell at him and he laughs, keeps walking. The security guards close the library gates. No KL. I walk to the fountain. She's not there. She's not at McDonalds or Fred Meyer or the benches outside the Dollar Tree. Nowhere. I become frantic and ask everyone I know if they've seen her. No one has. No Houdini either. I know that if they're both gone they're probably together. But, I can't help but worry since she seemingly disappeared without a trace in front of the library.

I ask Nazi Man several times if he has seen her. He keeps saying he cannot disclose information about other guests. It's true that's a big rule of confidentiality. I ask him to ask her if he can tell me she's safe. "The last time she disappeared on me she was kidnapped."
"Well, relaying information from her isn't going to help her if she's kidnapped."
"It helps me. It helps my peace of mind."

I ask him several times if he asked her; if he's seen her.
"If I saw her I would ask her," he says. I now know she's not upstairs. She's nowhere.

I go upstairs because I don't know what else to do. Finally, at 10pm Houdini comes in. I ask him where KL is and he says she is downstairs. He tells me they went to her aunt's house. I tell him never to leave like that on me when I think she's right outside ever again. He apologizes. He promises me she got upstairs safely. About five minutes later a boy comes up to the staff desk and says there's someone screaming up to the boy's dorm for Houdini. Fuck. I find Houdini in the movie room and tell him KL is stuck outside. I ask him to go out with her.

"Why don't you do it? I hate sleeping outside."

I'm torn on what to do. By this point she is gone. Even though I know her spots there is no guarantee I'll find her. If I'm stuck sleeping outside by myself I don't think I can pull myself over the wall. My legs are too short to reach the fence. I need a boost. Where will I sleep if I don't find her? I've already taken my sleeping pill. I have 45 minutes tops before it kicks in and I'm out. Fuck.

I doubt I even need to tell you what I decided to do. It's not even a hard decision. I don't want to go out but I won't sleep not knowing where she is. I go into my locker and rip out my sleeping bag and three hooded sweatshirts. Houdini gives me a blanket. I get my cell phone back and rush out the door. I need to hurry before I lose her.

I go to my spot first and yell up. No response. I go to her spot. No one. I need to pee and get out of these skin tight jeans so I go to Powells. I change and reorganize things so it's not so hard to carry. I walk several laps between our two spots and still can't find her. I run into two of the boys who stay in downstairs. They say they saw her by shelter but that was an hour ago. They tell me what I already know: downstairs filled up. They agree to help me find her though.

We walk back toward shelter. "The night is like a female," one of the boys says, "Beautiful but scary. You never know what's going to happen." We find another straggler turned away from shelter being full. She joins with us. We start walking toward the high school where they want to stay for the night. One of the guys yells that he found KL. She's sleeping in a parking lot a block from shelter.

"You stupid bitch!" I yell at her, "I've been trying to find you for an hour."

We say goodbye to the other kids and both groups wish each other luck for the night.  Another street kid had given KL a sleeping bag for the night. We pack up and go to our spot. Now that I've found KL I'm actually looking forward to sleeping out. We have stuff to keep us warm so it'll be comfortable and it's a beautiful night. We both miss being with each other in shelter. She boosts me up to the spot and I take the bags and kitten. Little Miss Tweak is excited about sleeping outside. That cat loves being a criminal.

Once we are over the wall we unzip both sleeping bags. We lay the puffy one the street kid loaned KL out flat to lay on, to cushion us from the cement. Then we huddle together under the fleece one. We both wear sweat pants and hoodies. It's warm out tonight too so it should be a comfortable night.

Except the weather ends up being the only comfortable thing about it. We hear the gates unlock and banging in the storage room underneath us. Our hearts race. I can feel every heart beat in every part of my body. We lay with our backs touching, holding our breath. What will happen if we are caught? Will we be arrested? Will they laugh and forget it? Will they even make the effort to climb the wall and find us? Will they pepper spray us if we try to run? Should we pepper spray them to get away? What the fuck do we do? I hear the beeps that sounds like the walkie talkies of police men. I hear someone say, "There were two of them." I am certain we are going to die.

We don't die though. Even if the police were called on us or someone saw us they don't find us. I think they think we jumped the wall to sleep somewhere inside the church courtyard. Either that or they think they hallucinated us. Or they just don't care enough to jump the wall and find us. I don't think the top of the wall would be my first guess if I worked in the church. We aren't discovered. We stay with our backs touching and sleep better than we would in shelter.

--mm

Day Forty-Six

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

In the morning Kitten Lady and Houdini need to meet up with someone to get some stuff. KL is pretty sick from the Methadone withdrawal. I go with because really, what else am I going to do? As we're walking to catch the max KL asks me, "Does this stuff change your opinion of me."

"No," I say and I mean it.

On the max Tweak, the kitten, walks up my boob and licks my lip once before lying down on the boobs to sleep. This kiss is the sweetest thank you from saving her from the tweakers. I pet her and say, "I like you, you can stay now."

Still, I hope KL and Tweak stop getting kidnapped by tweakers. KL and I agree I better not get kidnapped by tweakers. I'd end up running my mouth so much they'd either kill me or let me go but most likely kill me. So, it's probably best I stay un-kidnapped.

Once we're done with our morning errand we go to McDonalds. We are all hungry from missing breakfast and McDonalds is all we can afford without food stamps. After we eat we go to Fred Meyer to get my prescriptions. KL ends up getting Captain Crunch and of course we can't go to Fred Meyer and not get cookie dough. For the past few days we have both been ravenous for no reason. Nothing has been satisfying us. We are just hungry nonstop.

I go to #1 because I need to meet with my case manager. KL goes to #2 to find Houdini. Mother Goose pulls me aside and tells me that KL and I are both banned from OI until Thursday.

Now, to be fair this is a relatively short ban for what falls under "physical violence". But, I did not lay a finger on Tweaker Nancy or anyone else for that matter besides the cat which I grabbed to save from being crushed. Also, Tweaker Nancy should be banned for stealing the cat in the first place and for kicking Houdini and biting me. Also, KL should be told by staff, not have staff using me to be the messenger.

This turns into an explosion between Mother Goose and I. I make a comment about how staff bully KL and Mother Goose says, "I would love to have that conversation with you."
"I tried to have that conversation with Beard Man," I say, "And you guys slammed the door in my face."

So Mother Goose and I start to get into it about KL. At first it's pretty calm like my talk with Beard Man but then it just gets loud. Beard Man pokes his head out to look at us and laughs in my face about this whole exchange. Disgusted, I have nothing left to do but turn on my heel and leave. By this point I'm having a panic attack so I run to find a pigeon fountain and throw two Clodidine down my throat.

I go back to OI at 2pm because I'm supposed to meet with my case manager. I tell her I don't want to be at OI anymore because I'm sick of watching KL being bullied. Once again this becomes a big ordeal when Mother Goose butts her nose in saying that KL is a problem child and the same whole saga about how she breaks the rules.

In the end I tell Mother Goose she is a pathetic human being for bullying KL the way she does. What kind of adult feels the need to bully an 18 year old homeless girl? I then leave to find KL sleeping at #2. I hold the kitten to mellow myself out. I tell KL what I told Mother Goose and she laughs. A staff from #2 pulls me into his office to ask what's going on with everything. Turns out all agencies got an email with my name saying that I was involved in "physical violence" against Tweaker Nancy. Considering the fact I tried to find help I'm not too happy about this. But, in the end the staff guy actually seems alright and apologizes for the way OI has treated us when I rant about it (I'm very good at ranting in case you couldn't tell) and says KL and I are always welcome at #2. I find this ironic seeing as KL isn't supposed to be there at all with the no-contact order between her and Houdini. Gotta love getting new staff.

I still don't like the atmosphere in #2 (never have) so we go to the water front. Neither of us have sat with a sign asking for money before so we decide to try it for once. We make a sign and sit at water front holding it up with my laptop (genius I tell you, genius). We don't make a dime even after we cover the laptop. But, most of the people are running by as this is where people jog. No one really stops to read it. We only sit there for 10 minutes as it's time for dinner so we walk all the way back up to #2 realizing that leaving that close to dinner was a stupid idea.

Dinner there is no where near edible. It's soggy french fries with some sort of meat and cheese and left overs thrown in. Even though I'm starving I'm not hungry enough to eat that. I sleep on the couch until it is time to leave. We don't know what to do with ourselves, not even KL can bring herself to eat it. We go to McDonalds to eat again. I end up passing out on the McDonald's table. The manager comes to yell at me several times but I fake that I haven't been sleeping, just leaning on my arm.

We leave because the manager won't leave me alone and I'm too tired to keep my eye lids open. I lay down outside on the sidewalk by the Dollar Tree instead. Again, I fall asleep on the cement. In shelter I opp for a morning chore so I can just go to bed but the Ginger kid and his girlfriend talk me into a few rounds of Spoons and Rummy. Ginger tells me about how he shares a room with Nerdboy Wonder. He says Nerdboy will get up at 3am and organize his locker, making all kinds of noise. He refuses to shower or use deodorant. Finally, Ginger finally had to complain to Director Lady when Nerdboy start a collection of dirty yellow ear plugs at the side of his bed. Ginger Kid says they even smell and so far Nerdboy has a collection of about 20 of them.

Ginger Girlfriend Kid tells me in the dorm that she's pregnant. I'm not sure if I believe her but she doesn't seem like a lying type. She's just boring. So, I think that she must at least think she is pregnant. I don't particularly care. I climb into bed by the foot of the bed where my blanket is folded. I fall asleep there at the foot of my bed, too tired to even properly get into bed.

--mm