Day Forty

     ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS*****

While I devour oatmeal Kitten Lady waits outside with a to-go plate Beard Man made for her. I go and sit out with her and watch the kitten eat for the first time since we got her. She chases the bacon around the bench and gobbles it up. It's rather adorable and we are both thrilled she is eating.

Mother Goose comes out and tells KL she can't sit in the court yard or get to-go plates.  I find this pretty irritating. She can't go to #2 because she and Houdini have a no contact order and now they are getting their panties in a twist over dishes. I'm not going to fight with them yet though. I don't really have the energy.

KL decides to spend the day with Houdini since she hasn't spent time with him lately. I chill at the library getting caught up on my online life. I briefly run out to Safeway to get cookie dough and yogurt. I don't like the yogurt; it's too sweet. So, I just eat the cookie dough.

At 8pm KL calls me to see where I am. It turns out she has been trying to find me all day and we've just kept missing each other and my phone hasn't rung at all despite the fact that she has called a million times. She's at McDonalds. I realize that I actually really miss her from not seeing her today so I run to McDonalds to make sure we have time to see each other.

Once we are reunited we walk to Fred Meyer to get proper yogurt and cookie dough. We sit outside and use their wifi once we get it. Despite Houdini trying to get us to leave right at 8:30 we take our time and get to shelter right at 9pm. There's quite the crowd and we get the news that Porch Light is full. KL doesn't have a bed. It's unbelievable that it's full when it's not even 9pm and it's nice outside. I bite my lip and weigh out in my mind what is the right thing to do.

I did something that others won't be happy about but I'll do it again and again to keep her safe. I cannot let her be kidnapped one more time. I will not put myself through that again. So, I told her I was sleeping outside with her whether she liked it or not. We try to go to Salvation Army to get blankets. On the way KL's laxatives kick in so we run to a nearby restaurant for her to use the bathroom. The lady that works there tells Houdini and me to stay back by the staircase to wait for her. She comes back five minutes later and tells me, "Can you go clean up after her? It's not right for someone getting paid $6 an hour to have to clean up after her."

I choose not to point out that minimum wage is $8.40.

I go in to check on KL and tell her the lady is bitching us out. So, when KL is done she decideds to still a roll of toilet paper just for the hell of it. Houdini ran to Salvation Army and no blankets. We're kind of screwed. Houdini stays with us until 10:30. We meet up with one of their friends. Once again KL does not introduce me. He gives her a tiny bit of pot and they smoke meth together with Houdini. I walk away while they smoke, with the kitten. I stay where I can see her but where me and the kitten won't be near the smoke.

Houdini goes back to shelter while KL and I walk to the spot that Jesus showed me. KL gives me a boost up so I can get on the railing since my legs are too short. I hoist myself the rest of the way up then take the bags KL hands up to me.

"When I did this with Jesus we had a lot fewer bags," I say.

It takes about twenty minutes to get all the bags in and safely over the wall. Most of it was spent trying not to be seen by bystanders. Once we're in we sit up and eat yogurt and cookie dough and the other snacks we have on us. We talk and laugh and eat like two girl's on a slumber party. We share opinions about various scandalous topics like abortion, nuclear war, and the death penalty. We both agree if abortion prevents more Vampire Girls and Drama Girls we are all for it. I realize that I have really missed having her in shelter. It has become way too boring. The kitten runs around chasing her tail until she falls over.

The blankets that were stashed have now disappeared. In their place is a bunch of condoms. We are both wearing shorts and don't have any other jackets or blankets with us. I made the mistake of putting the sleeping bag in my locker. It's not freezing but it is cold. We dump out all the clothes we have between us. I take a pair of jeans, she takes cheetah print leggings. We lay down our shorts and tank tops on the ground, not that they do much. I put on one of Houdini's t-shirts and try to fit my entire body inside of it to hold in body heat. We fall asleep shivering, curled next to each other trying and failing to stay warm.

--mm

40 Things I've Learned Being A Street Kid

Happy day 40! To celebrate forty days of homelessness here are 40 lessons I've learned being a streetkid:

40. Pasta is of the devil, particularly lasagna.
39. Strangers can be the kindest or the cruelest creatures.
38. If you're going to talk shit in the bathroom make sure the stalls are empty first. That pair of shoes may belong to the friend of the person you're talking about. Also, make sure you are accompanied by a scary black man.
37. Bubble wrap has the potential to bring about world peace.
36. If you're going to hold your friend's rig at least make sure the cap doesn't fall off.
35. If you're going to do a daily blog you should make time for editing too. (oops)
34. Food stamps don't last as long when you have no place to store food.
33. If you do too much meth you will have to pull crystals out of your skin.
32. Drugs are bad mmmk.
31. Racism and segregation still exist.
30. Communism works when no one has anything left to lose.
29. Do not gauge your ears in Wal*mart.
28. To save a kitten you need karo syrup, olive oil, Qtips, and vinegar.
27. If you wake up in an almost empty building just keep sleeping. It beats shelter and makes for a better story.
26. There is always someone who has it worse than you.
25. All problems are valid. Just because someone else has problems that sound more intense doesn't negate or invalidate your own problems and struggles.
24. Dogs are incapable of telling a street kid from a normal human being.
23. The library is a good place to go if you're a homeless kid looking for a spot to hang out.
22. Sleeping outside is not the end of the world.
21. Friends are the people who look for you when no one has heard from you all day.
20. You have to try to go hungry in Portland.
19. Do not give your cat to a streetkid.
18. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
17. The only thing more powerful than hate and discrimination is compassion.
16. Printing "Please do not eat raw cookie dough" on packages of cookie dough does not prevent anyone from eating it.
15. A friend of a friend is a friend.
14. It doesn't matter the color of your skin, your sexuality, or the number of zeros in your bank account we all bleed red.
13. If you have nothing left to give looking a homeless person in the eye and talking to them like a human being is the best gift they may get that day.
12. A shot in the heart kills more than a kitten.
11. You can survive anything no matter what. You will live another day. You will laugh again.
10. You should never let go of childhood.
09. One person caring can change and even save many lives.
08. Money can and cannot buy happiness.
07. The things you miss the most are the ones you never thought about before.
06. Happy endings aren't promised, even if you do everything right.
05. It doesn't matter who you are; homelessness can happen to anyone.
04. Children, not adults, are the ones most hurt by homelessness.
03. It is better to laugh than to cry.
02. Being a friend is what you do when you have no time to think: what you do when you think you hear bullets, when your friend's cat is in a pitbull's mouth, when your friend is homeless and in need, when you have nothing left to give.
01. Nothing can be paid back, only forward.

Day Thirty-Nine

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

In the morning I go to #1 while Kitten Lady goes to get her dose. I have two heaping bowls of oatmeal, which is usually a good sign for the day. I get an appointment for the clinic at 2:15pm. I sleep outside of #1 while I wait for KL. When she wakes me up and Drama Girl is with her. Ugh. Not who I want to spend my day with. KL has to go back to her clinic for another group so we bullshit until she has to leave.

I take the kitten for her and tell her I'll be at Whole Foods. When the kitten and I arrive there I slip her in my backpack where she falls asleep. I work on the blog where I'm way behind but feel so lonely I text Crochet Buddy and tell him to come be my friend. He's a Johann's Fabric, the lucky bastard but he comes by when he's done. He doesn't stay long as his ex invites him for a day out on the beach so I'm alone again with just KL's kitten for company.

At 1pm I go to lunch at #1 where I lay outside instead of going in to eat. KL wakes me up calling me a poopy pooper face.
"What'd I do this time?" I ask.
"You weren't at Whole Foods."
"Yes I was."
"No you weren't. I went there and you weren't there."
"Oh then I was pooping."
Suddenly there is a loud crash. I jump up. "What was that?"

No one has to answer me. I turn around and see that someone has kicked a hole in the glass window of the 31 building. It's a tall girl no one really knows or talks to. She keeps to herself. There's blood dripping out of her leg. The glass is completely busted; I can't help but admire that hard kick. Beard Man pulls her aside to clean the glass off her leg with gloves and a first aid kit.

"Damn."

Lunch is for once not lasgna but chicken strips and soggy fries. KL brings a plate out to feed herself and the kitten who thankfully eats for the the first time without me having to force feed her. The nursing assistant comes out to get me for my doctor's appointment. He looks at me then looks at KL and asks her if she's coming in with me. It makes me laugh that she's expected to attend my doctor's appointments. We really are getting codependent.

I'm hoping to get in and out in 15 minutes but I have a hefty list:
*Random skin brusing and bumps. (Need to get them checked because Staph is going around in shelter)
*Got poked with a rig
*Scratches from Sheman on Saturday
*Dental referral
*Cough.

I give her my list and she has to write it all down right away so we don't forget anything. It's the weekly injury count I guess. She isn't sure what's up with the bumpies but says she'll do some blood work to make sure my blood is clotting right as the bruises are kind of odd. Not remotely staph though. Scratches are fine, my arm didn't catch any diseases. She perscribes me four medications to try for the cough. Dental referral will be set up. All that's easy. Then it comes to questioning the rig.

"Did you know who's needle it was?"
"No. I reached behind the bed at shelter and got poked."
"And you're sure you don't know who it belonged to?"
"No. Just behind the bed."

This is a blantant lie. I let KL put her rigs in my backpack because they have been searching her in shelter. The cap fell off of one and I poked myself. It wasn't a bad poke. It just drew a tiny bit of blood that I wiped off. KL was more upset about it then I was. She is still apologizing even though it was a week ago. I told her I should probably get tested anyways from staying in shelter. I told her we were even for me spilling Karo syrup in her purse. "We aren't even. That's really bad. I'm really sorry. That's not okay."

She tried to take her rigs out, banned me from reaching into that pocket. I had her pull the rigs and spoons out for me then I threw the broken one out but took the capped ones and spoons and wrapped them in a sock in my shelter locker. I can hear all of you yelling at me for this so just shut it now. (I'm looking at you Spock.) So, yeah I carried rigs around like a dumbass. So spank me. Now, I know where they are, that they are safe, and when she is or isn't using them. I also know she gets a safe place to sleep at night. I like my peace of mind. I'll regret it when I'm older and wiser or something.

Crappy Nurse Man comes to take my blood. My veins are tiny. I'm aware of this. But, I still manage to donate blood (or did when I was healthier) and give vials and vials of blood tests. And I've only ever been poked more than once one time and then it was for an IV with another incompetent nurse. Nurse Man pokes me twice and gets nothing. KL warned me about this. He stuck her 18 times and complained it was her fault from her drug use. I'm irritated. He gives up and another nurse comes and does it from the exact spot all my other doctors and nurses have taken from (I know this spot because it has a scar from so many pokes) on the first try. She takes six tubes of blood.

I didn't really eat so I'm feeling light headed from all of it when I go back outside.#1 has banned KL for three days for taking a plate outside to eat. Stupid people man, stupid people. On top of that her clinic told her she can no longer dose unless she sees her parole officer today. Lastly, a nurse inside the clinic gave her something to put on her face where she is scratched. She did and got a chemical burn as a result. She is not having a good day.

We decide to go to Fred Meyer to buy candy then watch movies all day somewhere. As we're walking KL tells me she got stuck with Drama Girl in the morning. "I don't like hanging out with her. She's boring. All she does is fish for compliments and talk about Dreadlocks." I know this from experience to be true. We end up sitting and using the Fred Meyer internet for over an hour watching videos of people popping giant zits and cysts. Houdini finds us there. We go to sit by the Dollar Store across from shelter. I'm not feeling well; I have a headache and I'm light headed so I lay on the ground.

I go over to McDonalds to pee. I'm in the stall when Drama Girl comes in with another street kid. I don't want to deal with her so I hold my breath and hope she doesn't notice me. She talks to the girl about her butt begging for compliments like usual. I'm rolling my eyes and praying she'll leave when she says,

"You know that white girl KL?"

 I stop. Hold my breath. Listen.
"Yeah." says the other girl.
"God, I'm so sick of seeing her boobs." Drama Girl says complaining about KL not having a bra.
I grit my teeth willing myself not to say something.
"I know right?" the girl says, "I hate that stupid cat she brings into shelter."

They walk out of the bathroom still talking shit. I wait a few minutes then leave too. Drama Girl is sitting at a table and asks me where KL is at.
"Showing her boobs to everybody." I say.

Her mouth falls open and she literally chases me across the street in fear I will tell KL the bullshit she said about her behind her back. I can't shake her even though I almost get her hit by a car. She sits down and starts kissing KL's ass saying she bought her a bra. KL takes the bra awkwardly. I finally can't take anymore and tell her I need to talk to KL about personal stuff.

"It's fine you can talk shit about me," Drama Girl says.
"She doesn't talk shit." KL retorts.
I give her a look that says look who's talking.

When she finally leaves I tell KL what I heard her saying in the bathroom. "God," KL says, "It's not my fault my clothes got stolen. You really can't trust anyone out here."

Drama Girl comes back out with laffy taffy for KL. I find this overly sweet act nauseating. A woman walks by and touches Drama Girl's shoulder. "I had a suggestion for that cat you were talking about," she says then goes on some Dr. Google medical advice rant. Now, I'm the one with my mouth hanging open. KL didn't notice though as she was talking with Houdini.

We walk to shelter where Drama Girl sticks to KL like glue. She desperately does not want me to get to KL alone. I finally do though and tell her quietly about the woman giving Drama Girl information for the cat; It can't help but feel skivvy. Obviously, KL isn't happy. She has not had a good day at all. She goes upstairs and Houdini and I stand outside smoking cigarettes other people have been kind enough to give us. I tell him what I heard in the bathroom and he shakes his head, "You really don't know who your friends are out here."

We go upstairs where I read and write until it is time to do dishes. Those kids ate a ton and fill almost four trays. Nerdboy Wonder comes down with upstair's dishes to wash. He sets them on the stove and leaves. I look over my shoulder and check to make sure he's not coming back then take a giant stack of my dishes and put them in his tray to wash. I then leave my dishes un-dried and the sink still a mess and go upstairs to take a shower and go to bed.

--mm

Day Thirty-Eight

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

Fuck Sundays. I really hate Sundays. There is nothing to do. Everything is closed and #1 doesn't open until 1pm. Half the day is spent just trying to kill time. When I wake up in the morning I down three oatmeal packets then head down to find Kitten Lady and figure out what we are going to do to keep ourselves sane.

"Let's do something different today," I say while we scan the cookie dough options for the day at Fred Meyer.
"Like what?" KL asks. 
"I don't know just something different. We do the same thing every day. Let's think of something new."
"Okay."
We both try to think of something. Finally KL says, "Let's get sandwiches and have a picnic at water front. That's new."
"I love that idea."

The picnic proposal is so new and exciting it wakes us up better than a cup of coffee. Crochet Buddy calls me so I invite him along. He comes up to Fred Meyer to meet us. We run up and down the aisles looking for snacks and finger foods, making several trips back and forth from the opposite sides of the store. I use my cart like a scooter, running with it then jumping on it and wheeling down the aisles. Doing so I barely advert a crash into an innocent bystander, slamming my feet down just in time to stop it. "Want to race?" I ask him then speed away. When I look back he's laughing.

I go to the bulk food aisle to get some granola for my yogurt. I slip and drop the bag and the granola rains down from the container on top of me and a little old lady who was standing innocently by me. "Oops, sorry. No one saw that." I whisper to her. She laughs and tells me I should probably tell someone though. I kick the granola under the bins and then scooter myself away on the cart. I pass an employee so I stop and say, "I heard a rumor that someone had a granola accident."

We are obviously not efficient at grocery shopping. It takes almost three hours. We walk to the $1 Tree where I buy playing cards, sidewalk chalk, and a table cloth to sit on. We take the max to the water front where we grab a spot under the first large tree we can find. I lay down the table cloth and we spread out the $60 worth of food. We eat like pigs and offer passersby sandwiches. Two take us up on the offer.

I socialize with the dogs that pass by while KL asks Crochet Buddy how he ended up homeless. He tells the saga of how his parents kicked him out at sixteen for being gay. He lost his job and moved in with an ex-boyfriend and you can guess the rest from there.

"God, Houdini and I always used to say at least we are homeless with a drug addiction then I met M."

I smile in nocently and shrug. I rip the crust off my sandwich and throw it in the dirt next to me. CB has to go to #1 for something so he ditches us. We stay for another half hour or so, bullshitting. I decide to push KL to go to #1 so I can sneak in in time to get oatmeal.

"How can you be hungry after all that?" She asks.
"I'm not I just like my oatmeal."
She laughs at me.

Much to my dismay we don't make it in time for me to snag oatmeal. There aren't even any cool people hanging out. I sit in the corner and read while KL does her thing in the bathroom. To be honest, I'm not sure what it is that KL does in the bathroom that takes so damn long. Shooting heroin takes up a big chunk of it as does constipation caused by her Methodone. Even so that girl can hold up a bathroom. Staff has threatened to unlock the door on her and go in more than once. Once they did so despite KL telling them if they did they'd see her ass. Mother Goose opened the door and saw her spoon, not her ass. So, I know when she goes in it'll be awhile before I see her again. Getting lost in a book sounds wonderful anyways.

When she does come out Beard Man hands her her mail. The majority of the envelopes refer to a phone bill she can't pay. She's talking to Beard Man when I find an envelope from the court system. "You may want to open this one," I say.

When she does she starts to cry. It's a statement from a judge waiving her bail fee from a previous arrest. Attached is a letter she wrote to a judge talking about getting clean, getting her GED, and going to cosmetology school.

"I was doing so good," She bawls, "And I threw it all away."
"It's not thrown away," I say, "Relapse is part of recovery, you said so yourself. It's not over yet."
She sniffles.

I tell her about my uncle who was the biggest addict I can think of. He did every drug in the book. He used to write on the back of his photos about taking acid and going down water slides. Today he is clean and sober and a damn good uncle. He was addicted for years; the ultimate lost cause but he made it out okay.
"How'd he do it?" She asks.
I stop and realize for the first time I have no idea how or even when it was my uncle stopped using. You would think that would be pertinent information but I've never even asked, "I don't know," I say, "I honestly have no clue."

Somehow I get to telling her my family history; how we're all crazy except for grandma who somehow manages to stay sane despite dealing with all of us. I tell her how my brother sells drugs, my mother is addicted to prescription drugs, my father is an addict, and I've heard rumors about how his sister and brother-in-law snort coke. I tell her my mother's sister was banned from my life but a very good aunt when she was allowed to be.

"Who do you look like your mom or your dad?" she asks me.
"Neither." I say.
"Do you have any picture?"
"Online."

We say we are going to go to Starbucks to use wifi but KL starts popping my face bumps. "Ooo!" She squeaks when the pus comes out, "You have such nice skin you don't have a lot of bumps."
"I apologize about my lack of bumps."

She says she's going to the bathroom then we'll leave. Forty minutes later I find her with Drama Girl bent over the washer the washing machine popping the bumps on her back. No, I don't find this weird. I know we're going to be awhile so I decide to sleep on the bench in the hall. Beard Man comes through saying, "Okay M, you're approved to sleep out here." Haha, he's so funny trying to call me out for not asking permission to sleep. (Technically we can't lay down on the bench unless approved by a case manager.) "I'm about to go take a dump now," Beard Man says.

I mumble something half asleep.

Ten minutes later Gauges Guy asks where Beard Man is.
"Taking a shit."
"Usually he sends me a picture," GG says.
"Co-dependent much?" I say.
"Look who's talking," he says referencing to KL. 
Beard Man comes back out and GG asks, "Where's my picture."
"That one  wasn't even worth a picture."
"Gross." I mutter.

I fall asleep hard after trying to get KL to leave again. I dream but it's not pleasant. Gauges Guy bangs on the wall behind me, startling me to wake me up. I hate when people do that. Who wants to wake up that way? Staff is hustling us to get us out the door as they are closing up. As is to be expecting KL is taking her time. Staff yells at me about it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to think of a way to pick up KL's rig off the floor without anybody noticing. Staff is bitching at me telling me to leave so I say, "I was trying to leave two hours ago." I'm worried about them finding that stupid rig. I'm liable for it too, I knew it was there.

We finally get out the door and I'm feeling bitchy. I'm pissed I got rushed out. I'm pissed I was rudely woken up. I'm pissed I'm the one who packed everything up while KL popped bumps. I'm pissed I was the one to worry about the rig. I'm snappy with KL and she's offended saying, "You've never talked to me this way? What's wrong?"

I can't stop being snappy so I go to Whole Foods for an attempt to get caught up with the internet. I know somewhere deep inside I should feel bad for my snappiness but right now all I can think of is internet and sleep. I have less than thirty minutes but it's a reprieve. I go to McDonalds to meet up with KL and Houdini. I splash cold water on my face. I don't feel good; I feel nauseated and drained. KL feels my head, "Are you sure that was cold water?"
"Yes."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"You're burning up."

A few minutes later I'm sitting down and KL runs out of the bathroom yelling for me. The kitten has spewed out nasty, running poop, and KL doesn't know what to do with it.
"Make her finish pooping; you're the only one who knows how."
"I don't know how; I was totally winging it when I did it before."

I try but no more poop comes so I give her a bath to get the poop off instead. We start towards shelter but my wallet is missing. I go back to McDonalds and ask the girl if it has been turned in. She automatically says no without looking.
"Well could you at least actually check please? It's the least you could do for some fucking customer service." I snap.
"You tell 'em girl," a guy says behind me.

In the end Houdini finds it in my bag. By this point though I'm damn near crying. I just want to go to bed. I make it to shelter just before 9:30pm. One minute more and I would have been considered late and had an extra chore. There's only morning chores so I grumble and take what I can get. I shower and go straight to bed with the help of Amitriptiline, Clodine, Hydroxizine, and Zertec.

--mm

Day Thirty-Seven

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

In the morning Kitten Lady desperately wants to see her mom. This is something that for once I understand. I know this is against her better judgement. I also know there is no stopping her. On top of all that I know that this isn't the safest idea and not one that should be done alone. I don't try to talk her out of it. I know from my own experience you never come between mothers and daughters; even if the mother is about to rip the daughter's soul into shreds. KL will deal with this the rest of her life; finding her mother, getting hurt, and doing the cycle over and over again until there is nothing left. She will have to do it until she's ready to cut the cord herself.

I know because I've done it dozens of times myself. I will probably do it 100 times more. So will Kitten Lady. Right now the ache for her mother calls and she can't help but answer it.

She tells me that she doesn't want me to come with, that it probably wouldn't make any difference if I do; if someone wants to hurt her how can I stop them? I know I can't prevent anything terrible from happening but I need to go for the sake of my own sanity if nothing else. If I don't I'll worry.

We go to Fred Meyer to get our breakfast of cookie dough and rice pudding. We take over the bathroom while she does her hair and make up. When we're done we take the max to the water front. We try to cut through the blue's festival but some lady won't let us through.

"Let's spit on it then." KL suggests.
"Yes!" I say, "I'm working up some spit now."
KL looks over and starts to laugh, "Damn you really are."

We walk around the festival to the bridge. When we get up we look down and some lady is screeching in a way does not even begin to qualify as music. We work up our spit and shoot it down on the festival. Our mouths are so dry it doesn't really do much but we laugh and feel better.

We walk across the bridge mentally preparing ourselves. I'm not sure what to expect, which is probably better than KL knowing and dreading it. I ask her what she wants to say to her mother if and when we find her. She says she doesn't know so I say, "Practice on me."

KL has told me before that her mother twitches involuntarily all the time as a result from way too many years of drug use. I start shaking myself and fake seizures saying, "You're boring do more drugs." KL is laughing so hard she can't even try to think of anything to say.

We get to the other side of the bridge and start down to where the camp is. It's off to the side and I've never seen it before. I'm actually really impressed with it. It's a lot more than I expect. It's a city of homeless drug addicts.They have mattresses on the ground, tarps, stolen shopping carts, dogs, radios, everything. I'm overly impressed with their resourcefulness and creativity.

 Each group manages to keep their own space, belongings (mostly) dry, and for the most part they have their needs met from what I can see; though I've started to learn you don't need as much as you think. I admire the community that has been created but it's damn filthy. Everything looks grungy and covered with dirt. The mattresses aren't covered with anything besides overflowing bags of junk. There is trash everywhere.

KL goes and asks various people if they've seen her mom. I stand back watching people, taking in the scenery but never letting my eyes leave KL. I'm afraid if I blink she will disappear. She doesn't introduce me to any of the people she talks to. I imagine this is actually a safe place for those in the crowd. There's enough people to protect you but I imagine it would be easy to step on the wrong person's toes and have it all come crumbling down on top of you. 

It looks like everyone is covered in scabs from bed bugs or drugs or both. KL asks a guy if he's seen her mom. He says he was with her in the morning when they beat a guy up for stealing from them. Nobody knows where she is at the moment though. We take a break and walk to Andy and Bax, the army surplus store where we buy some weapons then resume the hunt.

"I wasn't being rude by not introducing you to anyone," KL tells me, "I don't want those people to know you."
"I didn't want to be introduced," I reassure her.

At Andy and Bax I buy pepper spray while KL throws up in the bathroom. We know we need to get to #2 where we can be inside and by bathrooms but it's hot and we are dragging our feet. We are both sick as hell. We've had coughs for weeks, been throwing up off and on, and I've started waking up with huge welts and bruises on my skin. Add heat exhaustion and we are both (quite literally) a hot mess.

We make a detour to a skate park  that KL's mother tends to frequent. We see a boy blow chunks into a street drain. The vomit ruptures out of his mouth like a volcano of orange hot lava with chunky marshmallow bits. At the velocity it came rushing out I'm surprised he made it into the drain. I offer him some anti-nausea pills but someone tells me that the kid isn't sick, he just wiped out on his skate board.

We don't find KL's mom but we find a small girl sleeping in the dumpster. She is wearing only a bra and some sweat pants. She has blond curly hair and her stomach has the undeniable stretch marks and scars that come with child birth. She is barely taller than I am. She's dirty and smelly and scarred up but there's no denying she's beautiful.

She tells us she is fifteen. Her baby is with her parents who kicked her out. She doesn't go to services because she's not sure she can get them because she is under eighteen and a runaway. Some guys want to take her to Eugene but she's not sure she wants to go. She looks like she's itching to get help but unsure if she can trust us or the services offered through Jaunas youth.

The kitten pees all over KL so the girl gives her an extra shirt. I'm practically begging her to come with us when a train comes by and a boy grabs her by the elbow.

"That's our train, let's go." He says.
The girl looks at him; looks at us. I don't know what to say. "Alright, I'm coming," she says then runs after the boys to jump on the train. All I can think of to say is, "Stay safe," as they all disappear.

I am heart broken for that girl. I wish I could have kidnapped her and taken her somewhere safe. I can't imagine being fifteen and sleeping in a dumpster after your parents take your baby away and kick you to the curb. There's nothing I can do though so KL and I walk the rest of the way to the day program. 

On the way she tells me her story. KL has a life that not even the most creative novelist could dream up. When she was six years old her father died of an overdose while she was sitting on his lap watching cartoons. She was then taken away from her mother and went through fifty-seven foster homes before being adopted by a wealthy attorney. Her new family changed her last name and refused to let her talk about her biological family.

She did well in the family though. She played tennis and competed in speech and debate. She was an A average student. Then one day when she was twelve the family sent her away to a treatment center. She says to this day she still does not know why. She spent several years going in and out of treatment centers where she was beat up, raped, and god only knows what else. She ran away many times but usually got caught.

The time she was gone for the longest she was picked up by a pimp and was forced to prostitute herself. During this time she was on milk cartons, billboards, and newspaper fliers. She was 13-16 during this. In the end she was found by the FBI and the people she was with were charged with child prostitution.

Last year her mother told her that she had a big house in Portland with extra room for KL and her boyfriend. Her mother claimed to be clean. KL believed her and came to Portland. The first night she came she slept under a bridge with her mom. On July 4, 2011 her mother convinced her to shoot up heroin for the first time. Now here she is at eighteen, living in shelter and fighting an addiction. She's still a kid but she has no one to help her. She's been in the "Busted" newspaper that shows the mug shots of all the various felons.

To any that do not believe this story she showed me the missing person's poster and newspaper articles about being caught as a prostitute by the FBI. And what does she have to gain by lying to me about any of it?

To me it seems blatantly obvious that if her foster parents would have let her go to counseling and talk about her biological family from a safe and nurturing home she would have never ended up here. "I don't get it," she says, "Why adopt kids if you're just going to send them away?"

When we get to #2 KL disappears in the bathroom while a girl shows me her new dog named Roxy. She had taken the dog from owners who were starving and abusing her. You could never tell by her demeanor though. She knocks me over with kisses and affection. She sits, lays, high fives, on command. She's only a year but she's half my size. She is sitting on my lap and my arms are wrapped around her neck, my face in her fur when KL calls for me from the bathroom.

I untangle myself to see what KL needs. She has puked all over the bathroom. I'm not sure how a person so small could have that much vomit in their system. I try to flush the toilet but it's clogged. I can't get staff's attention either to get help or at least cleaning supplies.

"What should we do? Should I try and walk away?" KL asks me.

I don't know what else to do so we slip out of the bathroom and pretend nothing happened and let it be someone else's problem. Don't worry though, karma immediately bites us in the asses for it.

Jamie starts running her mouth about the kitten. She gives KL medicine that she has stolen but it can't even be used on a kitten that small. I'm convinced she's going to kill the kitten she has. I had already told KL I don't want to deal with Jamie so I'm losing patience fast.

"What's your problem?" Jamie asks when I snap and call her a dumbass.
"You fucking gave her a sick kitten after we both said we didn't want to get another kitten."
"I didn't know she was sick!" Jamie shrieks.
"Look at her," I'm screaming now, "She's half dead. How stupid can you be?"
I turn to KL, "I told you I didn't want to deal with her today." I take the kitten and go outside to get away.

Some little Mexican kid I don't know starts asking why the kitten is sick. Before I can even answer he says, "That girl, her boyfriend beats her and heroin comes out of her veins she shoots up so much that's why the cat is sick."
"That is not true." I try to keep my voice even, "She is my friend. She is clean right now. Her boyfriend does not hit her. The kitten came to us sick. So please, do not talk shit about my friend."
He gets an inch away from my face and says, "If I was talking shit I'd call her a pussy junkie."

A little girl he is friends with comes up beside me and takes the kitten out of my hands. The boy starts pushing me and they are both threatening me. I duck under his arms and yell inside for help from staff. People come running out but no one helps. Staff just watches more than anything. I'm trying to get the kitten back. They threaten to beat the shit out of me. "Then do it." I say.

I will never throw the first punch but swear to god if someone hits me I'll go down swinging. I've only ever been in one fight in my life and that was against someone my height who weighed 240 pounds. She grabbed me. I bruised her ribs, broke her finger, her wrist, and may have accidentally aborted a baby I didn't know she had. She left a few bruises and gave me a bloody nose.

I'm not afraid of the kids that are trying to fight me. I'm really not. The boy starts speaking to a staff in Spanish which really pisses me off. I think it's immature of staff to talk about someone in front of them in another language and I remind myself to file a complaint about it later.

KL is outside trying to figure out what is going on. It gets crazy again and there's yelling and screaming. The kids are trying to steal the kitten and I'm running my mouth right back at them.

"M, please stop you're going to get me jumped. Houdini is not here we can't talk shit." KL pleads with me but I can't help it I'm stubborn and if someone calls my friend a junkie I'm going to get the last word. I don't know what else to do. I'm even getting in staff's face for talking in Spanish about me while I'm standing there.  Someone asks where the cat came from in the first place.

"That girl in there got it when we both said no. And it's fucking sick and hell. It might die."
"I'm a guy!" Jamie yells. The next thing I know she is slamming me against the brick wall and digging her nails into my skin.
"I am a man!" She screams, "I will beat your ass. I'm a man."
"You have a vagina," is what I wish I would have said but  have to be honest and say I did not in fact say this. Instead I laughed hysterically in her face. It was so funny even KL was laughing which probably pissed Jamie off even more but it was pretty fucking funny. She was so close to my face her nose was touching mine. She threatened to kill me and I said, "Fine then do it and I'll have you arrested for assault."

In the end KL pulls her off of me while staff spectates. I remember all too late we bought pepper spray earlier. "Damnit!" I yell, "I should have just pepper sprayed your ass."

I know I probably look stupid but I can't help but laugh at this whole mess. KL grabs my arm and drags me away. The Mexican boy starts yelling that he will kick Houdini's ass when he sees him. That KL's mother told him that Houdini beats her. Another one of her friends Squirtile joins with us and they both ask me what happened. KL starts crying saying, "I hate my mom man. I hate my mom." She says her mom started this by telling people lies about her and Houdini.

As we're walking she keeps looking over her shoulder saying, "We need to find Houdini. We need to find Houdini." In the end we find him trying to catch up to us. The Mexican kid is saying, "Oh, what's up bro?" I'm laughing again.

KL is bawling and hysterical. She needs space with Houdini so Squirtile and I walk ahead for a little while so they can talk. We go to Fred Meyer to get sodas and sit and calm down. I pull KL outside to talk to her one on one while we drink our Cokes.

"I want you to know I wasn't trying to speak for you or anything. I just wasn't going to let them say your boyfriend beats you or that you sweat heroin. I just wasn't." I say.
"I know, I know. I wasn't mad at you," KL says, "You just talk so much shit! I look like the one who should talk shit but no, it's totally you."
I shrug and smile.
"God, just wait until Houdini is around before you talk that much shit."

I then proceed to tell her the story of my own relationship I have with my mother. How I've spent the last 21 years of my life running to her and trying to win her affection when it always ends up leaving me burned. I tell her I don't know what it's like to have your mother get you addicted to drugs but I know what it's like to always be chasing the person who hurts you the most, when that person is half of you. I tell her it doesn't get easier but I'm here for her.

"You're the only person in my life who actually cares," KL says, "And I don't even know why. Houdini was asking me the other day why I hang out with you when we have nothing in common. I just don't know why you're friends with me."
I shrug, "I don't know either. I honestly don't. I just care and I don't know why I do but I do so I go with it."
She laughs.

It's partially true that I do not know why I do this but I also see a lot of myself in her. And I think she is so young she just needs someone to care enough to try and help her because she has no one else. She and Houdini go off to talk and I find them standing in the bank parking lot. I stay back to give them space but hold my thumb out and shake it up and down to make sure everything is okay. Houdini smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

We go to McDonalds where I buy each of us a miniature sundae. We examine the scratches I got from Jamie. They look pretty gnarly so I say, "I'm going to die. They're going to have to amputate my arm. I've caught Mangina." We laugh and eat and play online until it's time for shelter. We get KL and Squiritle up safely then Houdini and I go up together. I read until it is time for me to do dishes then I take a shower and go to bed.

It's another sleepless night but I make it through the night just like I do every other night.

--mm

Day Thirty-Six

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

I wake up before first wake up call. Downstairs they wake you up at 7:45. Upstairs first wake up call is 8:15. Apparently my body doesn't know what to do with an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I try to fall back asleep but I can't so I roll out of bed. I get dressed and throw my hair up. I try to kill time talking to people but I don't particularly want to be there so I leave.

I wait across the street for Kitten Lady but when she doesn't show by 8:50 I assume she got kicked out in the night. I'm pretty ticked off at Jamie for bringing this stupid kitten to us and putting KL at risk of getting kicked out again without even showing.

I go to breakfast where the cook seriously asks me for advice on the oatmeal. This cracks me up. I don't even know the lady's name but she knows that oatmeal is my favorite dietary supplement. I eat two bowls of it before I leave OI and head to the library. I figure KL will show up at lunch.

I end up passing her on my way to the library. She didn't get kicked out like I thought. Instead staff forgot to wake her up. The kitten wasn't a problem all night. She holds the kitten out and its shaking from the cold. I put it between my boobs until we get to the block #1 is on; we don't want people knowing we have her so we put her in KL's backpack. She looks up at us pitifully and sticks her paw up to touch KL's finger like saying, "Hey guys don't forget about me." KL and I cannot help but laugh at this. "She really is the most pathetic kitten I've ever seen." I say.

I go upstairs to get a hoodie for the kitten so we can wrap her up and keep her warm. The counselor lady is up there and corners me by the locker to ask to set up an appointment. I do so begrudgingly. I'm really doubting that counseling is going to be beneficial right now but I lack the ability to say no.

I wrap the kitten up like a burrito for KL and she lays down on the outside bench with it while I go to the library. An hour and a half later KL comes to the library and asks if I want to buy snacks and sit around and watch movies. This sounds fabulous. We also need to get the kitten some food she will eat because she has refused everything we have offered thus far.

We go to Fred Meyer and get cookie dough, Pringles, and candy. I make a mixture of Karo syrup, egg, and milk for the kitten. This is what my vet had taught me long ago to give to cats that need fatting up. The kitten doesn't look thin because she is so fluffy but she is incredibly malnourished. I'm honestly not sure if she will even live. Her gums are white. She sneezes and coughs. I look at her and say, "I don't know what to do about you. We can't afford another unhealthy kitten."

The truth is we can't afford any kitten. But, I also cannot look at the pathetic kitten face and say that she must go. The male-fem transgender kid has already offered to take her but KL and I both immediately said no. We don't even know what she did with the last cat she got. Out of all the homeless kids we are probably the best ones to take care of her. But, the kitten doesn't exactly deserve to be homeless either.

That's why I don't like what Jamie is doing. She is taking kittens away from potential being adopted into homes to be homeless kittens instead. Yet, I don't know about putting the kitten up on Craiglist seeing as she's so timid and...lifeless.

After we get the snacks from Fred Meyer we go to the parking garage across from Fred Meyer to sit and snack. I make a mixture out of the Karo syrup, egg, and milk for the kitten. I grab the eye dropper to feed her and she opens her mouth for it and laps it up excitedly. Yet, when I set her down to eat on her own she simply stares at it.

KL falls asleep sitting up so I move everything behind a wall so we can sleep there. We both fall asleep despite the fact that we are laying on a wood floor that smells like piss. One of the other street kids comes up to try and sleep and jumps over the wall to sleep in a little cubby between the wall and the ceiling. I scream when he comes up waking us up. KL laughs at me, "You really need to chill out."

We both fall back asleep and about an hour or two later I wake back up. The kitten needs feeding again so I look for the bowl with the mixture. When I finally find it KL has fallen asleep with her leg on top of it. I pick up her leg and move it and the girl doesn't even budge. Then I can't find the kitten but I realize she is sleeping inside KL's shirt. I feed the kitten until I hear someone climbing up the stairs. I pinch KL to wake her up.

The steps turn out to belong to another street kid we don't know. I feel bad for waking her but oh well. The guy leaves and I sneeze so loud it echoes. "You are not good at hiding." KL tells me.
"Yeah, if there's ever a genocide of street kids I'm fucked."

She eats a tub of rice pudding while I play with the kitten. The guy comes back and says someone called the police on us. I start picking our belongings up.
"No one called the police on us," KL says, "He just wants to sleep here."
"I know," I say, "But we should probably move anyways."

We catch the max and get off at the next stop. I decide to go to the library but KL wants to sleep outside of #1. We separate and I head into the library to hang out until dinner. I run into Houdini while I'm there and tell him KL is sleeping at #1. When I get there I don't see her though and figure she has gone off with him.

He comes upstairs looking for her and when I say I thought she was with him he gets frustrated. "Please keep her with you," he says, and I know he's probably right after she got kidnapped and all. I don't forget what happened the last time we left her alone. He leaves then comes back up laughing. She was sleeping outside she was just tucked in the corner where we missed her.

In shelter I read until it's time to do dishes. I pick dishes because I've never minded doing them before, it counts for two chores, and you can use the radio. I blast the radio so loud I'm sure the whole shelter can hear it. Once I'm done, which is about 15 minutes later since apparently downstairs wasn't very hungry I go and take a hot shower and go to bed.

--mm

Day Thirty-Five

    ****NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT PORTLAND'S STREET KIDS***** 

I wake up early and unable to fall back asleep. It's no later than 6am. I reach for a Clododine and a Zertec in hopes that they'll knock me back out. I read until they kick in then fall back asleep for a little over an hour. When it's time to leave I make my bed in hopes that I will be allowed to stay downstairs for another night.

I tell Kitten Lady I will meet her back at OI after she gets her dose and spends time with Houdini. She doesn't show up at all for breakfast which means that she had to go to a group session. I decide to go to Cricket to get my phone fixed. This takes over an hour. The manager gets in my face and is nasty to me. He tells me I made a "bad decision" by not buying insurance or coming in sooner to get my phone fixed and he has the audacity to call me a liar. I'm not having this. You do not treat customers that way. I don't care that I look young and homeless. I am a paying customer and deserve to be treated as such. I get the number to flag that store at corporate and tell the guy to his face I will be reporting him. "You obviously haven't worked in customer service very long." I say to him.
"I'm old enough to be your dad." He yells.
"Really? Why don't you act like it?"

Obviously, my phone issues do not get resolved. I go to the library until lunch where I go to meet up with KL. Lunch is again lasagna and spaghetti. I'm hungry so I suck it up and eat the herb and butter spaghetti by putting it on buttered bread to make it more tolerable. I ask Beard Man which shelter I am sleeping in now. He says that because of some regulations or whatever I have to go upstairs or start sleeping outside. As lame as it is I know my jig is up and that I need to stop fighting to not be promoted up to the big kids and instead focus on the perks of the higher up level. 

Jamie comes up and asks me, "Did she show you the kitten yet?"
I drop my fork, "Kitten?" I stare at KL. She is not smiling about it either.
"Yeah I got her a new kitten," Jamie says, "She's so cute she looks exactly like Tailia."
"Yeah," KL says blandly, "I haven't told her yet I thought it'd be a surprise."
Jamie walks off and I look at KL waiting for an explanation. "She does not look like Tailia. Not at all."
"Do you even want the kitten?" I ask her.
"No." She says, "She just came and handed her to me. She did it when you weren't around on purpose. She knows I can't say no."
"We need to get rid of it," I say, "We can't go through this. Not again."

We go outside to look at the kitten and KL is right. It doesn't look like Tailia. In fact she is the exact opposite. Gray with long hair. She is the most pathetic kitten I've ever seen. She is completely limp when you pick her up. She doesn't move. There is poop on her back legs. She has obviously not been taken care of. And it is her pathetic-ness that makes it impossible to turn her away. The way she flinches when we grab her  makes us think she has been abused. Jamie is keeping her brother. I sigh and say, "Well at least she's quiet."

We go outside of #1 to sit and hang out. KL lays down on the big bench outside. I decide to call Playdate PDX to see what's going on with the job. The manager guy answers and gives that bullshit jargon about too many qualified applicants. This does not make sense with everything else leading up to the interview. The fact that he only gave my interview 5 minutes. All I could conclude was what I already thought. He found out I'm homeless. Kitten Lady is livid when I tell her but I'm not. I really don't have the energy to feel mad. I don't know what to feel. I just want to sleep. That's all I want.

I lay down by KL on the bench. Jamie says her kitten is breathing hard. I look at him and say, "He's overheating he needs water. Cats do that when they are too hot." Jamie doesn't move to get the water though. She keeps talking to the kitten telling it to breathe normal. I tell her four times to get water before I give up and tell myself it's not my problem. I feel terrible thinking that but Jamie needs to learn to be responsible for her animals. She constantly goes and picks up kittens then sells them to street kids when they could have perfectly respectful homes. Furthermore, she keeps the kittens until they get big and she's bored of them. When she's done with them she either gives them to a street kid or lets them loose. I have serious issues with this and I don't want to help her with her kitten shenanigans even in something as small as getting the cat water.

I fall asleep hard which is a surprise. We nap until dinner. I'm hungry when I wake up so I go up to get  food but when I see the spaghetti and lasagna I want to cry. It's just cruel to serve it for both lunch and dinner. I go back dinner and tell KL it's lasagna once again and she groans too. We decide to go to Fred Meyer to get a decent dinner that is not lasagna. Our "decent" dinner ends up being cookie dough.

We sit in Fred Meyer for a little while then head down closer to shelter. We go into the dollar tree to get candy and pops. KL fingers one of those little magic wash cloths with cartoon characters on it that they sell for little kids. I know she wants to steal it but I say, "No. Don't do it. You know I hate it when you steal." She puts it back down and we head out.

As we are walking I say, "See, isn't it nice not to steal?"
"Sometimes you just have to though," She says and empties her pockets that are overflowing with stolen candies.
"You bitch." I say.
"You know when I'm not using I don't really steal. I just have an addictive personality. I always have to be doing something naughty."
I roll my eyes.

I sit on the bench by the store. She isn't feeling well still so she lays down on the concrete to sleep. People stare but I hardly notice. Some guy brings out a dog that runs to kiss us. I pet him and rub his belly when he rolls over. The dog owner laughs and says, "God he's such a slut." I'm happy that someone from the ritzy expensive apartments can be kind enough to let us pet his slutty dog and still treat us like people despite KL laying on the concrete and my dirty clothes spilling out of my bag.

Jamie is supposed to sneak the kitten in for KL but of course she doesn't show up in shelter. KL and I are both feeling pretty rage-y at this. She purposely left us responsible for a kitten we didn't want. Then she bails. I can't sneak the kitten in either since I have to move into the upstairs. I'm pissed.

KL says she thinks she can get her up regardless and we hug goodnight and she goes up. I wait with Houdini and Crochet Buddy to get let in for upstairs. They tell Crochet Buddy they screwed up his paper work and he has to go back downstairs. This rather pisses me off.

It doesn't get better when I realize I have to do orientation with Nerdboy Wonder. This makes it take ten times longer than any normal orientation would. I learn all sorts of things about him that I don't want to know including all about bowel movements and transfusions. Finally the staff lady has mercy on the two of us that do not want to know all about Nerdboy go and she deals with him. I don't think I've ever been so happy to get away from somebody.

When you stay in upstairs you have to do a chore. I pick cleaning the kitchen area because that means you can use the radio and have music. I accidentally bleach my shirt which makes me rather unhappy but besides that it's incredible to have radio. It's an attachment to the world outside of street life.

Upstairs Houdini tells everyone I am his sister. I joke saying, "Can't you see the relation?" People look at  his dark chocolate skin and my pale white and laugh. I want to take a shower and go to bed but they are out of bedding. I find a pink fitted sheet but no blankets. Staff tells me I can take a shower and lay down and they'll bring me in a blanket when one dries.

I shower then find Rocky playing Nintendo 64. I watch him play for a little bit finding a bit of happiness in the vintage game system. I share a room with Vampire Girl and Ginger Kid's girlfriend. Vampire Girl seems happy to see me again and I'm sort of indifferent. I am not thrilled about Ginger Girlfriend though. I really despise her self righteous boyfriend. It's a quality that peeves me almost as much as people who chew gum too loud. She has no identity outside of him from what I can tell.

She asks me to play rummy with her which surprises me. She deals them out but Vampire Girl comes in wanting to sleep so it ends up being a rain check. I decide to try and sleep without a blanket even though I am one of those people who have to have a blanket to sleep.  The beds are much more comfortable than in downstairs. They are softer and the part that's supposed to be a pillow is much larger. I actually dislike the big pseudo pillow. It's too high and firm in my opinion. The softer bed comes as a surprise to me. It actually takes me awhile to adjust to it.

I end up falling asleep without the blanket. When I wake up in the middle of the night I sit up and a blanket falls off of me. One of the staff covered me while I was asleep. I think that it's sweet before I pass back out.

--mm