God, I have a lot to fill you in on. I'm in between classes and really should be working on homework as I'm almost a full term behind in most of my classes but I just can't even think straight so I'm going to dump everything in a blog post before I head to class.
Last night Gru and I signed a lease on a beautiful two bedroom townhouse. It has a nice patio and huge living space. I'm thrilled we got it. The hotel we've been staying in is a nightmare. It had fleas and a few nights ago it started leaking quite dramatically at 4am. (We had to run buckets back and forth so it wouldn't flood.) We don't have any furniture or beds yet but it's a vast improvement from what we were dealing with. And we don't have to worry about homeless kid drama or the staff.
I'm worried that we won't be able to find jobs soon enough to make ends meet. We can carry ourselves for awhile with FASFA but there's not as much wiggle room as I would like. Bernard is going to help me get my theft charge off of my record so that I will have better chances finding a job.
This morning he helped me move my belongings into the new place. He picked up my stuff from the housing program then picked me up with the rest of my shit and drove me to the apartment. He was happy with the place I picked out and just plain thrilled I'm out of housing. He is furious with what has been done to me since I went to the other case manager. He's not allowed to say so but a few days ago he accidentally slipped and said he was upset and this whole thing was complete and total bullshit.
After we dropped my stuff off he drove me to school. He told me he used to be a cop which was surprising at first but made sense after I thought about it. He just asked, "How do you think I knew so much about your legal stuff?" I shrugged. I guess I figured that was part of the job description for working with homeless kids. He was a cop for ten years before getting into social work. He told me to keep that information quiet, that he doesn't tell many people that. My guess is because homeless kids rather hate police.
No matter how hard I try I find it impossible to imagine the lives of the people who work at the homeless organizations outside of their job. This is unusual for me because I'm that person who imagines lives for people I've never met but anytime I try to imagine anyone from our organizations I just come up blank. The extent of my ability is only when we see doppelgangers. Which means now I can imagine Director Lady as a bartender but nothing else.
It's hard to imagine Bernard as a cop. Mostly because he's not an asshole. I googled him out of curiosity trying to figure out why he stopped being a cop. Found other random stuff instead. It's weird to think of people having lives outside of homeless kids.
He asked about the mother figure today. I've been talking to her because of Megan dying. She actually really liked Megan. I asked if I could still use the address of the program to have my mother send packages because I don't want her to have my address. He said he would take care of any packages that came for me.
He asked about Megan and I told him it was just like her to not tell everyone so they wouldn't worry. I told him how weird it was to talk to the old crew again. My first boyfriend is now divorced. To me that's the weirdest thing. (Although to find out his ex-wife cheated on him is actually almost funny if you knew her.)I feel so old.
I should be estatic and relieved that I found a place. In reality though everything is overshadowed by the loss of my friend. I feel like I have a knot in my stomach all day everyday. I have to remember to eat. I don't think I've even grasped the fact that she has cancer yet--let alone the fact that she's dead. I just can't believe it. I've seen a lot of death in my life but this one is just so awful. I'm really struggling with this.
--mm
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Technology Eclipse
DISCLAIMER: I don't expect anyone to read the entirety of this post. I'm really just purging right now. For the shortened version here are the bullet points:
*I've been having a lot of problems with technology lately, hence the lack of posts.
*I'm living in a hotel room that has fleas, waiting to hear back on apartments.
*I'm having case manager issues.
*A dear, dear, dear friend of mine just died of lung cancer.
*I'm really having a hard time right now.
Sorry I have fallen off the face of the earth. My laptop blew up (literally. My roommate made it explode) and we've been having a difficult time with the internet. There's also just been a lot going on. It's really quite overwhelming. I don't even know what to say or what format to write this in. I'm just staring at the computer listening to Missy Higgins and waiting for the words to magically appear on their own.
I guess we can start with Christmas. For Christmas it was just Gru and me. Everyone else went to stay with their significant others and friends. We exchanged presents. I got him porn and he got me a zippo lighter that is secretly a pipe. We had seen it together at the porn shop by shelter and he had me picked out but under the assumption that it was for him. Gru and I ended up encouraging everyone who was in housing for the day to join us in our dorm. We built a blanket fort and played cards until staff shut us down.
Gru confessed after a night of dancing that staff consistently ask him what his "intentions" are with me. He asked if staff ever ask me similar questions and I said no. He confessed that being asked this had made him question what his intentions were exactly and found that he does want more from the relationship. I had never even considered it. He is my friend's ex and we are roommates, those are two rules I have always been set upon.
The next day I met his dad. His dad is a truck driver and got a route to Portland with just enough time to visit. We insisted upon taking him on a quick tour of Portland. We forced him to walk, jaywalk, eat at food carts, befriend homeless people, and get a cock-n-balls from Voodoo doughnuts. I liked him. He reminded me of my best friend's dad. He insisted on taking pictures of me for his wife and when he talked to her on the phone he said, "She's liiiiitle". Pfft. Before he left he hugged me three times. It occurred to me then that Gru and I have never hugged once. I really hate hugs. A few nights ago he told Gru on the phone that he thinks I'm his future daughter-in-law. Oy.
Fast forward to last weekish and that's where the real drama begins. Zelda informed me that housing is indeed kicking me out and I had nine days to find a place. I can't say I was surprised. I was surprised that I've been left hanging without a case manager or any support for almost three months. And that they would do the kicking out in a way that provided me no options. My case manager has been MIA for the last month (not just for me, for everybody) and no one was going to step up until I went to Zelda and demanded to know what the hell is going.
She said she and Bernard were going to work on finding me a place but no one can find a place in nine days. When I told Gru what was going on he would not speak. Not a word. Lips tight, staring, no reaction. If I didn't know him as well as I do it would have been unnerving. But this is something Gru and I share. We aren't much of talkers when there's little to say.
We ended up gambling all night. I had science labs that desperately needed to be done but we went to safeway and bought scratch tickets until we just couldn't buy them anymore. We would buy the tickets at Safeway, scratch them there, then walk to Plaid Pantry to cash them out so we could walk to Safeway to buy more scratch tickets. And so the cycle continued for three hours.
While we were chain smoking and scratching tickets Gru made a proposal (well, he made several but one in particular is on my mind). Now, my plan for this inevitability was to get institutionalized, kill myself, or go to jail. I honestly don't know what else to do.
Gru proposed we get an apartment together.
My knee-jerk reaction was absolutely not. Then I thought about it more carefully. Getting an apartment together is a viable option. The money from school could potentially carry us until we could find jobs or get jobs from the temp agencies in the area. We also have our food stamps and food banks in the area. I'd be able to have Spencer again which would help me quite a bit. We'd be away from drama, homeless kids, and all of that nonsense.
So we've spent the last week and a half searching for a place. We've put in two applications and are waiting to hear back from them. One in particular we are aiming for that's 920sqft townhouse and $670. We don't know what's going to happen though.
Right now we are living in a cheap motel for $200 a week. Zelda turned on me a week or so ago. I caught her in a lie. I no longer talk with her at all. I'm angry with Bernard too, for other reasons, but I think I'll get over those real fast. The truth is I do still need him despite me saying I don't.
Today, I learned that my friend lost her battle with lung cancer. She was only 22 years old and leaves behind a 2 year old daughter. I'm completely heart broken. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff I hadn't talked to her for awhile. I didn't get to say goodbye. I really thought she'd win out over the cancer. I really thought we'd have more time, that I could get my shit together and then be there for her. I hate myself for thinking that way.
I've connected with our old friends from high school. One of them told me that she had talked to her boyfriend and he informed her that Penny had been lying about her health. When I had talked to her last she said they were trying new treatments and they were working. I thought they'd buy me enough time to go visit her. The truth is that they weren't working at all. She was lying to all of us because she didn't want people to be sad.
I'm heartbroken and furious with myself that I didn't take more time to put my issues aside to spend time with her. She was very important to me. I'm going to miss her so much.
I'm going through a lot on top of that. Things with housing really broke me. As ridiculous as that sounds. But walking into a place everyday and being told everyone there hates you, is really hard. I can't even stand to go by the building anymore. I don't trust Bernard, or anyone there, at all anymore which makes things even harder because I need to be able to trust Bernard.
I'm really, really depressed. I'm barely holding on anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me if we don't get this apartment. I'm devastated by the loss of my friend. I'm really struggling. I really don't know what to do.
Please, just keep me in your thoughts.
--mm
*I've been having a lot of problems with technology lately, hence the lack of posts.
*I'm living in a hotel room that has fleas, waiting to hear back on apartments.
*I'm having case manager issues.
*A dear, dear, dear friend of mine just died of lung cancer.
*I'm really having a hard time right now.
Sorry I have fallen off the face of the earth. My laptop blew up (literally. My roommate made it explode) and we've been having a difficult time with the internet. There's also just been a lot going on. It's really quite overwhelming. I don't even know what to say or what format to write this in. I'm just staring at the computer listening to Missy Higgins and waiting for the words to magically appear on their own.
I guess we can start with Christmas. For Christmas it was just Gru and me. Everyone else went to stay with their significant others and friends. We exchanged presents. I got him porn and he got me a zippo lighter that is secretly a pipe. We had seen it together at the porn shop by shelter and he had me picked out but under the assumption that it was for him. Gru and I ended up encouraging everyone who was in housing for the day to join us in our dorm. We built a blanket fort and played cards until staff shut us down.
Gru confessed after a night of dancing that staff consistently ask him what his "intentions" are with me. He asked if staff ever ask me similar questions and I said no. He confessed that being asked this had made him question what his intentions were exactly and found that he does want more from the relationship. I had never even considered it. He is my friend's ex and we are roommates, those are two rules I have always been set upon.
The next day I met his dad. His dad is a truck driver and got a route to Portland with just enough time to visit. We insisted upon taking him on a quick tour of Portland. We forced him to walk, jaywalk, eat at food carts, befriend homeless people, and get a cock-n-balls from Voodoo doughnuts. I liked him. He reminded me of my best friend's dad. He insisted on taking pictures of me for his wife and when he talked to her on the phone he said, "She's liiiiitle". Pfft. Before he left he hugged me three times. It occurred to me then that Gru and I have never hugged once. I really hate hugs. A few nights ago he told Gru on the phone that he thinks I'm his future daughter-in-law. Oy.
Fast forward to last weekish and that's where the real drama begins. Zelda informed me that housing is indeed kicking me out and I had nine days to find a place. I can't say I was surprised. I was surprised that I've been left hanging without a case manager or any support for almost three months. And that they would do the kicking out in a way that provided me no options. My case manager has been MIA for the last month (not just for me, for everybody) and no one was going to step up until I went to Zelda and demanded to know what the hell is going.
She said she and Bernard were going to work on finding me a place but no one can find a place in nine days. When I told Gru what was going on he would not speak. Not a word. Lips tight, staring, no reaction. If I didn't know him as well as I do it would have been unnerving. But this is something Gru and I share. We aren't much of talkers when there's little to say.
We ended up gambling all night. I had science labs that desperately needed to be done but we went to safeway and bought scratch tickets until we just couldn't buy them anymore. We would buy the tickets at Safeway, scratch them there, then walk to Plaid Pantry to cash them out so we could walk to Safeway to buy more scratch tickets. And so the cycle continued for three hours.
While we were chain smoking and scratching tickets Gru made a proposal (well, he made several but one in particular is on my mind). Now, my plan for this inevitability was to get institutionalized, kill myself, or go to jail. I honestly don't know what else to do.
Gru proposed we get an apartment together.
My knee-jerk reaction was absolutely not. Then I thought about it more carefully. Getting an apartment together is a viable option. The money from school could potentially carry us until we could find jobs or get jobs from the temp agencies in the area. We also have our food stamps and food banks in the area. I'd be able to have Spencer again which would help me quite a bit. We'd be away from drama, homeless kids, and all of that nonsense.
So we've spent the last week and a half searching for a place. We've put in two applications and are waiting to hear back from them. One in particular we are aiming for that's 920sqft townhouse and $670. We don't know what's going to happen though.
Right now we are living in a cheap motel for $200 a week. Zelda turned on me a week or so ago. I caught her in a lie. I no longer talk with her at all. I'm angry with Bernard too, for other reasons, but I think I'll get over those real fast. The truth is I do still need him despite me saying I don't.
Today, I learned that my friend lost her battle with lung cancer. She was only 22 years old and leaves behind a 2 year old daughter. I'm completely heart broken. I was so wrapped up in my own stuff I hadn't talked to her for awhile. I didn't get to say goodbye. I really thought she'd win out over the cancer. I really thought we'd have more time, that I could get my shit together and then be there for her. I hate myself for thinking that way.
I've connected with our old friends from high school. One of them told me that she had talked to her boyfriend and he informed her that Penny had been lying about her health. When I had talked to her last she said they were trying new treatments and they were working. I thought they'd buy me enough time to go visit her. The truth is that they weren't working at all. She was lying to all of us because she didn't want people to be sad.
I'm heartbroken and furious with myself that I didn't take more time to put my issues aside to spend time with her. She was very important to me. I'm going to miss her so much.
I'm going through a lot on top of that. Things with housing really broke me. As ridiculous as that sounds. But walking into a place everyday and being told everyone there hates you, is really hard. I can't even stand to go by the building anymore. I don't trust Bernard, or anyone there, at all anymore which makes things even harder because I need to be able to trust Bernard.
I'm really, really depressed. I'm barely holding on anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me if we don't get this apartment. I'm devastated by the loss of my friend. I'm really struggling. I really don't know what to do.
Please, just keep me in your thoughts.
--mm
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