Drug Deal Gone Wrong

I left my dorm tonight to find some food. I usually go to Safeway but since I'm out of food stamps anyways I decided to see if any of the food carts were open. (It's really hit and miss after 5pm). On my way I saw crime scene tape and several fire trucks, police cars (marked and unmarked), and ambulances in the parking lot of the Unitarian church. Naturally, I was drawn to wanting to know what was going on. I thought maybe it was a car fire but didn't see smoke. I decided to walk past and make sure it wasn't any of the street kids who were hurt.

A bunch of street kids were standing across the street behind a news camera. I ran up to them and asked who was injured. They told me that it was a drug deal that had gone wrong and a police officer had been stabbed. When I saw it was a female on the stretcher being loaded into an ambulance my worries were not calmed. I didn't know where they got their information from. And drug deal? That could easily mean it was Kitten Lady or Houdini. I stereotyped wondering is that really a female cop on the stretcher? (Logically I assumed her male partners wouldn't have let her get stabbed.) I really thought I'd faint.

One of the kids claimed it was his brother, so I guess I figured it was likely he was accurate. He and his brother are street kids but I don't really know them. "But, all of our people are okay right?" I asked.
"No, my brother got tasered in the neck."
Well, he did just stab a cop... I mean, our cops are ridiculous and abusive but I'm not sure if you can argue them using force when you just stabbed them.

I felt a lot better when I ran into Kitten Lady next to the food carts. I hugged her and asked her how she was. She was with Pocohantis and a boy I don't know.  I feel a lot better having seen her and talked to her. Sunday I had seen her briefly in the day program. I had to get to work so I walked away after a meek hello. In the end I felt guilty because friends are more important than work and I had more than enough time so I turned around and walked back. When I got there though, she was in the shower. And I got a week ban for calling Beatles Lady a bitch but that's another story.

She said she's doing okay but she looked away when she said it, as if she didn't have the heart to even try to lie about how she's doing. She's really thin. She had bits of toothpaste on her face drying out zits. I wanted to tell her about the black head I popped that brought out a record amount of pus and about how worried I've been and how I want to help her even though I can't. There was a lot I wanted to say. There wasn't time though. The boy said something crude and she cut him off saying, "Don't say that to her. She's my good, good, innocent friend."

She got a call on her cell phone and told me, "Go away for this." She gave me her number and walked away, not wanting me to get caught up in her drug deal or whatever she was doing. I watched her as I walked in the opposite direction and sent her a message warning about the stabbing and drug deal gone wrong, asking her to be safe.

She told me tonight that Houdini got arrested. Nerboy called the cops on him which makes no sense. Houdini was the only one that was ever nice to Nerdboy. Because he was technically on the run he (according to Kitten Lady) will be getting a one year sentence. The really shitty part is he was working, clean, and getting his stuff together to go back home. :( I'm really saddened by this.

It's hard knowing that at any point I may lose people I care about. In the last twenty-four hours thirteen street kids have died, somewhere in this nation. They won't be on the news, like the street kid who just stabbed a police officer. They won't have memorial services. They'll just be gone.

I think out of all the statistics I've researched on homelessness this is the hardest to swallow. Not at first. At first it was just a number. Thirteen homeless kids die a day? Okay. Sure. But, already, in the four months I've been here two people that I know of in our program have died. And Kitten Lady is wavering so close to the edge right now. I don't know those two kids that died. Their deaths impacted me all the same because they brought that statistic to life. Kitten Lady almost overdosed in the bathroom at McDonalds a month or two ago, not long after the first boy died.

I dread the day I walk into the day program and there's a notice posted saying it's someone I know. That it's Kitten Lady. Sometimes, if I really think about it I won't be able to sleep or concentrate. Because I know it's likely to happen. At some point it will be someone I care about. At this rate, one every other month, it will be one of my people.

I guess this could be the case for anyone. You could finish reading this post and get a call from the police saying there's been a bad accident and someone you love is dead. You could go to the doctor tomorrow and  some routine tests could come back not so routine.

I know this. We all know this. It's just that most of us ignore this reality and live our lives blissfully unaware. Streetkids, we daily face the reality that all of this life is temporary. And tomorrow we could wake up and find it gone or worse, lacking the people we care deeply about.

--mm

(A side note: for those of you that remember Gang Banger who I bonded with but disappeared shortly after I arrived? He reappeared today. We didn't really talk just said hi where the stabbing happened. He had been in jail all this time. He looked embarrassed so I didn't press it on talking to him. I was still happy to see him. It's good to know he's okay.)

Work, Work, Work

My life is so busy now! I wish I could update more regularly but at best I'm sporadic right now. I do want to give you an impression of what my crazy life is looking like now. I'm going to split it up into categories work/school/home/whatever as sitting down writing/reading a long blog post just doesn't appeal to me right now. (Though I do acknowledge my blog posts are absurdly long.)

I love my job. I really, really do. The store sponsors my housing program so I feel like work is in a way paying for my housing. All of my managers and supervisors (besides one supervisor no one is fond of) are all fabulous people I feel like I can look up to. Everyone at work gets along, there's no drama (besides people worrying about layoffs), and it's just a happy place to be. Our customers love us. The day after the store opened I had an older lady tell me that she worked for our company when she was in college and it was the best job she ever had. So yay!

It's also super nice that I can walk to work in ten minutes. What's not nice is I love our products so I have spent the majority of my checks back to the store. Stupid discounts.

I don't know what happened but one of our supervisor positions opened up. Our managers posted the opening in the staff break room. I decided to just throw myself out there and see what happened. My manager interviewed me today and when I answered his questions he said more than once, "That's the right answer." I mostly talked about how much I loved the job and wanted to stay and grow there. I also talked about managing people when I worked on the newspaper. My main goal was to talk myself up so that when it came time to decide who to lay off after the holidays I wouldn't be on the chopping block list. When we ended the interview my manager said, "I'm really glad we talked."

I don't know if I'll get that supervisor position. I don't really care. If I do that's awesome; a larger clothes budget! If not at least I know without a doubt I'm on the managers' radar in a good way. At least they know I'm here, ready and willing to help and learn anything and everything.

I still can't say for sure what the future has for me. Who really ever does? I'm tired and drained from all the hours I've been putting in with work and school but I have no complaints. I know where my head is sleeping at night, and now it even has two pillows to support it!

--mm

This is how work makes me feel sometimes (forward to 25 sec if you're impatient)

Why Staff Almost Saw Me Naked

So it's after 1am. I'm sick as hell and I have to work tomorrow. Why am I awake? Some idiot set off the fire alarm in the building and we had to rush out to evacuate. I was in bed totally asleep and totally naked when this happened.

I leaped out of bed and threw my six blankets a good four feet. I couldn't see as I obviously didn't have my contacts in and I don't have back up glasses. I scrambled to find my robe and pants. Staff started to unlock my door to see if I was inside and needed to help exiting. Still naked I slammed the door shut before they got it all the way open and tried to scream (mind you I have no voice) "I'm not dressed".

I almost had to walk out in just my robe but I managed to find pajama pants which I put on backwards. Finding my slippers or my keys just didn't happen. I ran out as I was, pressing my arms against my boobs to hide my lack of bra. I had to wait outside in the cold while sick.

Nobody was happy about this as most of us had been sleeping. Even if we are naked we have to go outside if the alarms go off. Not evacuating your rooms when the fire alarm goes off, even if there is no fire, can get you in major trouble as staff will get in even worse trouble if they leave youth behind in the building when the fire department is called. It never goes off when we are dressed and awake. NEVER.

We joked this time Ginger set it off with the steam coming out of his ears.

We are contemplating putting a sign on our pod door saying, "Everyone in here sleeps naked" in hopes that would make staff more cautious about walking in on us. I think that's imperative information.

God help the person who set off the alarm tonight. If their identity is ever revealed they will have an angry mob after them.; Now, to try and fall back asleep. More NyQuil!

Transfer Meeting

I wanted to take a quick minute to let you guys know how my transfer meeting went. For those of you that didn't read my last post I have to change case managers now that I'm in housing which I don't think anyone is thrilled with because Bernard and I are so close.

Bernard and I ended up having to wait on Bianca, as I have decided to call her (assuming I haven't named her in past entries). [Curious where her name comes from? Same place as Bernard's the Disney movie "The Rescuers". No, I'm not hinting at a romance between the two of them, it just seemed to make sense that both their names would come from the same place as they are both my case managers. I digress]. When I walked in he asked, "So what is this about a pumpkin patch?"
I started laughing because I forgot I sent him a text last night about wanting to go to the pumpkin patch. My roommate and I had ended up talking about how we wanted to go to one last night and I just sent a text asking. Couldn't hurt right?

[[Two side notes about the pumpkin patch. The director of housing is going to try and get one of the staff to coordinate a trip for me. Also, later after the meeting had started Bernard mentioned this and I made a sly comment about 'needing to carve some gingers'. At first he started laughing then he just said, "Don't go there. Just don't go there." Bianca was highly confused. When I talked to the director of housing about it Bernard was like, "Not sure if we should trust her with a knife but we could give her a spoon" LMAO. Carving gingers may have gone a little far though.]]

Anywho after the pumpkin patch conversation he asked me, "What's going on?"
I shrugged, "Nothing."
"Something is going on."
"Nope."
"What's wrong? I can tell something's up."
"Nothing. I'm fine." I was getting terse.
He reached over and shut the office door, "We can play this game all day or you can just tell me."
So I tell him about how the kids at school put my mug shot up on the computers.
"That sucks."
"That's the world of internet."
"It's still pretty bad."
I shrugged, "Journalists know how to use Google."
"Yeah, but that charge isn't you. Its's what you had to do and some not-so-good decisions you made."
I shrugged, "It's whatever."
"You should really be upset about this. It's okay to get upset."
He started trying to do the whole convincing me to cry thing again. I kind of don't get this. I've had my fair share of mental break downs in the last four months. I mean, really what do you want me to do? Cry every time something doesn't go my way? Psh, that's what yelling is for.

So Bianca came in, and we started the meeting. It was well, rocky. We went over the goals that Bernard and I originally set when I first started with him: school, employment, housing, legal stuff. For the most part all of them were finished which is quite surprising since I worked with Bernard for what? Two months at best.

The only goal left was the legal stuff. For the most part the theft charge is over with. The court called Bernard and he left them a message saying I fulfilled my expectations but they haven't called back so he assumed it was over. Bianca said it'd be good to follow up to be sure. On this, I agreed with her. What I didn't agree with was her saying, "Forward me the information and I'll get in touch with them."

Uh, lady, I gave the release of information to Bernard, not you. He already knows what went down. He was the one I called when I got arrested. Not you. So uh, let him follow up please. I was even squeamish talking about the theft charge with her there. Especially after yesterday.

She also decided she would take over the Trimet violation which to me made no sense because Bernard was the one who had all the information for that. She said, "Well maybe we can go when you're done with classes this term."

No, I was planning on him taking me.

I intended to at least finish what we started you know?

When I mentioned my psychotic literature teacher who assigns an asinine amount of homework for a 100 level class Bianca went on this tangent of trying to tell me how to do my homework and how I should get used to it because that's what college teachers do. No bitch, that is not what is supposed to happen in a 100 level class. Those are classes you take for fun, not torture. And one thing you don't want to do is try to tell me how to do my homework. I don't have a 4.0 for nothing. It was in her best interest to shut up. When she didn't I rolled my eyes quite dramatically.
"I saw that outrageous eye roll," Bernard said laughing.
At that point she realized it was probably wise to let the issue go.

She didn't have this wisdom when she decided to bring up the whole key card drama AGAIN. Now, this was Sunday when the housing staff got a little big for their britches and interrupted my homework to shut off my key card when I didn't do exactly what they wanted me to do when they wanted me to do it. Had I wanted to go out and party I would have possibly been able to understand where they were coming from but my HOMEWORK? No, that's not what you want to interrupt. I will go for blood.

This whole thing has been beaten to death ten times over. I talked to the director of housing and Bernard about it. My contact person and I were also on the same page on this. It should have ended the night I told him I wouldn't be doing the chore they wanted me to do because I hadn't known about it in advance. The other housing staff dragged it out by shutting my key card off. Even the director of housing agreed that dumping something on me last minute and then carrying it out the way they did was unacceptable. Bernard was just like, "Dude, can you not call people bitches to their faces?" To which I said, "Well, I won't call them names behind their back." And then he shook his head and dropped it.

So why, Bianca are you dragging out this old shit? It's not helping me accept her as my case manager. And she wouldn't drop it either. Finally I was just like, "I'm done with this conversation. Done. Done. I'm so sick of this. Get over it. We're not talking about it again."

The office got this heavy silence and she just awkwardly said, "Well okay." I'm debating going and talking to the director of housing about this whole thing being carried on the way it is. It's a ridiculous power trip and all they want is to feel like they had power over the situation. Really guys? I already won.

-sigh- So we'll see how everything plays out. Bernard was careful with his wording saying, "I'm not your main case manager anymore..."

Part of me wonders if they'll just give up on moving me around and just let me stay where I'm comfortable. Clearly, it takes special talent to handle me and these people are lacking in that talent.

--mm

My Day Today

This morning Bernard walked me to the bus stop before the day program opened. It was the only way we could carve out time with each other between my work and school schedule. Bernard has also been leaving early at 4pm most days. I suspect something is up. A few weeks ago I walked in on him on the phone in his office. I overheard him on his phone trying to set up an appointment somewhere. In the end he said, "Well, I need to go so I'll take the day off." Before he ended the call he said, "And that's at the Cancer Institute correct?" He takes a lot of days off. A few days ago I called to see if he could meet up after I got off work and he said he couldn't because he had to leave at four; he couldn't stay late to talk to me he had somewhere to be.

I'm pretending I haven't noticed these things. As far as anyone knows I'm completely oblivious. Maybe it's just that I have a friend battling lung cancer but it's definitely on my radar. I'm worried about this. I try to tell myself I'm reading too much into it all. It's horrible but at times I find myself hoping that it's his wife that's sick and not him. But, I digress. I hadn't meant to post anything about any of that, it just came barreling out. Bear with me, I'm not in a good place right now.

Anywho, so he walked me to the bus. There has been continued drama with the ginger clan. The director of housing has encouraged me to seek a restraining order. If I'm successful with it Ginger will lose housing. I went to shelter last night to get every note I turned into Director Lady about the Ginger Clan.

Another tangent, I had a lovely time talking to her. We were laughing about the fact that I managed to get a BLA after getting into housing. (That's talent!)
"I had to do a triple take when I saw that." she said.
"Did you laugh?"
She put her finger to her lips, smiled slyly and said, "I don't laugh when youth get BLAs."
"You totally laughed."
"Maybe a little."

The BLA happened when I went back to get my food and the lady refused to give it to me. It was a new staff, one to replace the four that got fired. When she refused to give me my stuff I argued with her over the buzzer (classic!) and asked, "What are you smoking?" I then buzzed up to the downstairs shelter hoping someone sensible was working. Gauges Guy was so I told him the lady was refusing me my belongings. Somehow I ended up interacting with the new staff again and asked for her to send GG down.

"He's in a meeting," she had said.
"Are you stupid?" I asked, "Because I'm sure as hell not. There aren't meetings at shelter during hours and I just talked to him five minutes ago."
She gave me a BLA for all that which made me and my friend with me laugh hysterically. "I'm in housing idiot."

Director Lady said two years after I get out of services she'll have a job for me. (You can work inside the youth program after being out of services for two years.) I think when I'm done in housing I'll mark that date on my calendar and on that two year anniversary I'll take in that application for the job if for no other reason than to drive Director Lady crazy. :P But, in all honesty I think I might be good at that job.

Anywho, so this morning Bernard walked me to the bus stop. He said when I'm ready he'll go with me to the police to file that restraining order. It's nice to know that I have his support even though the problem is with another youth that he was working with. It helps me feel validated.

On the way he asked me, "So why did you call the housing staff stupid ass bitches?"
I rolled my eyes, "Because they were being stupid ass bitches."
So far I haven't gotten along with housing staff. I find them to be petty. I made it pretty clear when I got into housing that work and school were my number one priorities and that they could not get in my way when it came to these things. Well, they did by turning off my key card for not cleaning the bathroom WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO. I threw a fit and got the card turned back on. At this point I called them, as stated above, stupid bitches because clearly, they were.
"I get that. But don't call them stupid ass bitches to their face." Bernard said.
"Well, I certainly wouldn't call them that behind their back."
Bernard shakes his head and laughs, clearly he has no idea what to do with me.
"If they don't want to be called stupid bitches they shouldn't be stupid bitches. Problem solved."
Bernard gave up.

Houdini has pretty much ended things with Kitten Lady. I don't know if they're actually broken up but every time I see him I ask about her and he says, "I haven't seen her in weeks." He's clean now. He's going to go back to St. Louis so he can be with his family and his son. Every time I see him he says he's going that week but Kitten Lady seems to be holding him back. I know how hard it is to walk away. I told Bernard this on our walk.
"Well, what do you think?" he asked.
"She must be bad if even he is leaving. Everyone thought she was going to leave him and get clean. She was always the one that had a future. Not him. How bad must she be for it to be the other way around?"
I always thought that if I could just get her away from him she would be okay. In the end, I was severely wrong. Bernard agreed, it was always supposed to be the other way around.
"I've accepted that she is going to die."
"How do you feel about that?"
"No one is going to do anything and she's going to die. And that's all there really is."

I leave out that I will have to live with the fact I walked away knowing this. I leave out that I think if they would have really tried when she and I first started to hang out she would have made it. She had stopped using. Part of me believes she only started again because no one had any faith in her to stop. I leave out that I don't recognize her. Tonight at Safeway I saw someone wearing a face mask that had the same color hair but I wasn't even sure if that was her or not. The last time I saw her she was so thin, her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was a mess. The only reason I recognized her was by the way her bad foot turned.

A few days ago there was a memorial service for a youth. I heard about it riding in the elevator with Beard Man. "Another one?" I had asked. Each time there's any form of posting of another death I pray it's not her. I may be at a distance now but I'm still watching my friend die. It's not any easier this way. She still matters to me. There are nights I'm up worrying about her. But what can I do? She purposefully made it so that I couldn't help her anymore. If something doesn't change she will die. And there's nothing I can do.

Tomorrow is my "transfer" meeting. Since I'm now in the housing program I have to switch from Bernard to a new case manager. It was supposed to be done weeks ago but with my schedule it just hasn't happened. Tomorrow Bernard will officially not be my case manager anymore. I will be with the artsy lady I've befriended.

She has always been my second pick when it came to a case manager but everyone knows switching me from Bernard is going to be, well, not ideal. Most people don't get to pick their case managers like I have. I've really been given special treatment in this area. The boss of case managers came to me right before I got into housing and asked quietly, for me to pick between the two housing case managers. When I answered the crafty lady she said that's what she thought I wanted. Even though it was a two minute conversation she was very somber when she asked, as if she didn't really want to have to switch me.

I had my first meeting with my new case manager on Sunday. Even though I adore her for her crafty abilities when we had to talk about case management stuff it felt incredibly forced. She asked me how I felt about the switch and I answered, simply, "I'm not thrilled."
"I know you and Bernard are very close." she said, "You guys had a really special bond."
Going to Bernard was just natural for me. I told him I wanted xyz, left, came back a few hours later and there it was. He knew how to deal with me. Which, let's admit takes talent.

When they turned off my key card the new case manager did not know how to deal with me. It was Sunday, Bernard's day off. I was screaming and calling people bitches and crafty lady was like "wow, don't know what to do with you" and thus it took two hours. Bernard would have just been able to be like, "Okay, let's deal with these bitches so you can do your homework." Granted, he wouldn't call them bitches but he definitely would have known how to deal with me and them when I was on rampage mode. He would have been a little more aggressive about it (though not as aggressive as me).

The good news is no one is going to look down at me for continuing to work with Bernard despite the case manager change. Every time I've seen him since this whole shenanaghan began he's said I can still call/text/walk downstairs any time. Both case managers have said they are willing to work together on issues that I want Bernard in on. The director of housing has encouraged me to continue with Bernard, especially when discussing the issues with the ginger clan. Today Bernard put both his hands on my shoulders (which is unusual. I usually have a strict no-touchy policy). He said, "You are not going to get kicked out of housing. We [case managers] know you aren't who people are painting you up to be. You still have me. I believe in you. You are going to go far in life."

So, I'm trying to look at it as having two case managers instead of switching. Who knows how anything will really play out though?

I didn't really intend to talk about the case management stuff for so long. I meant for this to be a short post actually about school today, not any of this. This mess just kind of spilled out. What I had intended to talk about was what happened to me in the newspaper room today.

I was doing homework. I'm really behind. I got the flu bad and missed classes, and to be honest ditched a few too. I still have no voice. I'm so squeaky that the chief editor was like, "I'm going to walk away because I'm going to start laughing and you're going to slap me." Wise man.

So anyways, I already feel like shit and he comes back in and sits next to me. He says, "Your mugshot was up on one of the computers."
"My mug shot? You mean from last year's column?"
"No, your actual mug shot."
He pulled up the tab and there I was, smirking at the camera. My jaw dropped to the floor. The only person who knew I was arrested was Savior Man. I just don't understand how this could have gotten out without Savior Man telling people. It dawns on me that this means that the editors were sitting around looking for my mug shot and laughing about it behind my back. Furthermore, they left it up for a full day, for everyone to see.

I'm so completely mortified. I couldn't even get through my classes despite one of my classes today was PhotoJournalism which I NEVER miss because I adore my little old Asian buddy. (He's a whole nother blog post). I confronted Savior Man. He insists that the editors just stumbled onto it while they were goofing around in production class. I don't know if I can really believe that. It seems a little far fetched that they just started typing my name into Busted.

Putting that up on computers for everyone to see is something you'd see in the movie Mean Girls. It's not what I would expect from people I consider my friends. I'm now questioning my friendships with everyone and anyone on the paper. I called that place my home.

I left my lit class to go to the dean. It's the same dean who made the call to get me back into school. I feel horrible because I kept intending to go by to see him to thank him for doing that. Instead, when I finally go to see him it's because of high school like bullying. After meeting him I went to see my teacher for my next class and find the bus schedule. My teacher sent me home, saying he will mark me present for the class. I left without saying a word to Savior Man even though he said bye to me.

Not only does it suck to have my "friends" broadcast something so personal it's left me wondering how long I will have to deal with this. I did what I had to do to survive. Am I proud of all of the decisions I made? No. I'm proud that I survived. Do I regret any of it? No. I did what I had to.

Even though I've done my best to laugh off everything that happened on the infamous blog post I don't want that mugshot to follow me everywhere I go. Will I be denied jobs because I'm listed as a criminal online? Will I walk into classrooms to relive this in the future? Will I forever be judged by my homeless stint even after I am no longer homeless?

I don't want to live my life forever defined by these last four months. I don't want people to see me as a homeless criminal. I don't want people telling me I should be ashamed. I don't want this.

Ughn, so that's where I'm at in life right now. Just got in from smoking three cigarettes with my roomie. Trying to remind myself that everything is only going up from here, even though I'm not 100% sure.

--mm

Quick Hello

I've been working on a longer post to update everyone on how life is going. I've been swamped with school and work; I'm tired beyond belief. Still, I'm okay. Being tired from school and work is normal, unlike being exhausted from sleeping in shelter/outside. I'm loving work even though it has been stressful, mostly due to rumors both founded and unfounded that there is going to be a mass lay off. I think I'm okay even if there are going to be lay offs. My managers seem to like me. School is a bit more troublesome. I still have no financial aid information. I'm falling behind in my classes and I'm less and less motivated to go. So far the only classes I haven't ditched are my journalism ones. It's still good to be back on campus. I feel more like me at school. I'm okay. Tired, stressed, overwhelmed, but okay. It's hard adjusting from homelessness to all of this but I know it is a good adjustment.

Housing

Just wanted to let everyone know I moved into transitional housing last night. =]

Survivor

I feel like an update is necessary  I don't know where I'm going to go with this blog. Obviously, a daily blog with school and work just isn't realistic anymore. I don't have the hours between homework and retail. I've been thinking about what direction to take this now. I've decided I'll update as much as I can whenever I can but instead of focusing on the daily account of events I'll try to give you snap shots of what I think shows this experience best. The little moments that make and break me, and my homeless friends.

Currently, I'm hunkered down on my bunk in shelter, using the wifi from the bar below us. Even though the penalty for doing this is being kicked out of shelter I don't ever worry about it. I do a lot of things that would kick me out of shelter if I was caught like eating candy in my dorm and keeping my medications on me instead of turned in.

Even if I did get caught it'd be a moot point. I should be in transitional housing by the end of the week. I interviewed on my lunch break on Sunday. They go to deliberation to discuss me tomorrow but every staff member has come to me and said that they heard the interview went well. Even though I was supposed to keep it a secret the youth know and are happy for me which feels good. The bullies in shelter have finally been kicked out so the atmosphere has been a million times nicer. People were smiling and high-fiving when the BLA was given. I will miss being with everybody once I'm in housing. This place really does have its moments sometimes.

I'm in a lot of physical pain from work. Between Thursday and Sunday I worked thirty-nine hours, all of which were on my feet doing physical labor. My body really isn't cut out for that and I think I sprained my ankle. I went to see a doctor in the clinic but my special doctor lady wasn't working. The guy in her place kept trying to get me to say I'm depressed and asked about the scars on my arms, which made me rather uncomfortable. I don't need to justify my past when I'm coming in for a sprained ankle. You can see I visit the doctor on a regular basis; there's no need for you to pry. If something was wrong my doctor would know and help me.

My days are all kind of a blur. I'm either at work or at school or trying to juggle both. On Saturday I overdosed on 5 hour energy shots and coffee, making myself sick. I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold myself up but I pushed through and worked my shift. Sunday I worked thirteen hours, going to my housing interview on my lunch break. Since I start work at 7am I am dependent on staff wake up calls to get to work on time. This is usually fine. Some of the staff have had a lot of fun with it, waking me up with my energy boost drinks. On Sunday though the guy whispered my wake up call so I rolled over and went back to sleep and had to run to get the bus. I still made it on time but I complained about it to Director Lady. Wake up calls are kind of a big deal for staff to half ass.

I do homework on my work breaks. Wednesday I work before I go to class. I'm managing to keep it all together by squeezing in studying and sleeping when I can. I sleep on the bus, in Savior Man's car, and even under the tables at school. Going to shelter after work isn't all that bad; I'm so focused on shower and bed I don't care. After school though it's really depressing. School is my old life, my old friends, my old family. I still haven't quite figured out how to adjust from the old life to this new shelter one. The little tastes of the life I used to live are overwhelming because I know even when I do achieve that again it won't be the same. I'm not as naive as I once was. Not that this is an entirely bad thing. I've learned who my real friends are and other hard life lessons I'm glad I know.

The best part is that my new job sponsors the program where I will be living. So while I'm getting a pay check every week (weekly pay is also really cool) I'm also sending money back to an organization that has helped me through this stage in my life.

I don't know where I'm going to end up right now or what's going to happen. All I know is that even though this is hard and I'm in pain and I'm tired, in the end everything will be okay. When I was sixteen someone told me I was unstoppable; that I could do anything because I was a survivor. Five years later; I still am.

uh oh

I'm having some difficulties. I feel like it is imperative I show the difficulties of how hard it is to go to school and work while being homeless. All I can say it is VERY hard. I have been working fifteen hour shifts, trying to juggle homework and classes, and trying to stay in one piece. My entire body hurts. My tremors are so bad I could hardly hold myself up and together at work. I'm stressed beyond words. I'm in a lot of physical pain and I'm worried about the fact that my financial aid hasn't come through yet, my housing interview is Sunday, everything is just piling up. My friend that has cancer is going to be in our hometown next week and asked me to come visit her. I don't know how to tell her that won't be possible, even though I know there might not be another chance.

This hard, so hard I just don't know how I can even attempt to keep a blog at the same time. I'm sorry, bear with me while I try to get this all together.